One of the other things I love doing is writing children’s stories, so I read a story I had written to Captain Chaos about people finding their talents. Imagine my surprise when Captain Chaos asked “Would you like to see my talent?” Love to son, fire away! Suddenly he announced “My talent is karate!” and put his hands together and bowed. The start was impressive and left me wondering if he had been taking secret lessons at school. Then it began apparent that he had been watching television, but clearly got bored after the initial bow. Suddenly what was demonstrated can only be described as someone being electrocuted and thrown to the floor violently. I did wonder if he was in pain, but he got up with a proud smile and asked what I thought? Impressive son, if we are ever attacked down a dark street you can use your electrocution style self defence and baffle them. I’m pretty sure they will leave us alone out of pity! I tucked my son into bed, gave him a hug and left. This is where those that don’t know me would think he lay down and stayed in his bedroom. Those that have read this blog regularly know he never stays in his bedroom, so it was only a short while before his bat like senses smelt our secret biscuits and heard the rattle of the biscuit tin. Oh well people, Saturday is a new day, surely Saturday would be peaceful?
Sorry did I forget to say it was Captain Chaos’ first ever proper ’invite your friends from school’ birthday party? No, sorry must have slipped my mind. Well it certainly slipped mine! My wife arose at 7am Saturday morning and told me to come on we have to get going! Whoa tiger, it’s Saturday morning, I don’t move for anyone or anything unless they are holding a latte with my name on it! It was then she informed me that it was Captain Chaos’ birthday party today. Now I never thought I was that slow, but by the time I got downstairs my wife had baked chocolate brownies from scratch, and was making a mountain of sandwiches. It was at this point I realised men and woman really are different, or maybe it’s just me, because my wife announced we needed more food for the parents waiting for their children. As a man I would have gone with ‘there is a mountain of packets of crisps, what more could anyone want?’ I got the look that said could I go harass someone else, and was given a new job outside of the kitchen blowing up balloons. I did not get further than the first balloon before two children squealing and clapping their hands like chimpanzees appeared asking for balloons. I handed them over and starting puffing the rest of the balloons. Once I had completed that task I made the mistake of stating that I had completed my part in the birthday party preparations, at least I thought I had, when my wife announced job two to help sweep the floor. Hang on my little clean bean, I thought it was a kids birthday party, since when did kids come and inspect the floor and announce sorry I can’t stay I see a speak of dust on the floor? Next thing you know they will want to see our food hygiene certificates! Fearing a bop on the nose I kept quiet and started washing and drying the plates and dishes, because a fellow parent might see we actually use plates and cups, and that would be a shock, so I cracked on to earn brownie points.
Having finished we rushed upstairs to get dressed and ready. My wife made me chuckle when the kids announced they had broken a toy again, and believe me people this has been sellotaped, superglued and had the lick and spit treatment and was broken yet again. My wife announced we would fix it properly tonight with gaffer tape. Yes people, you have been fixing toys wrong for years according to my wife. Sales of gaffer tape will balloon today when people find out, and this left me wondering where did my wife go to school that taught her ‘to fix things properly you need gaffer tape!’. No offence my little bodge jobber but is it ok if I look after the gaffer tape while I am at work and you are unsupervised?
I had to go out, but by the time I got back the party was in full swing, and by full swing I mean we were on the verge of a swat team bursting in! As for me, I was already on the first disaster with kids screaming the door’s fallen off. Brilliant! Downstairs is like a nightclub, and upstairs the music was pumping so hard my son’s bedroom door fell off, I kid you not. There were three boys all looking at Captain Chaos’ door which had ‘fallen’ down. I was going to see if I could fix it properly with gaffer tape, but decided to go old school with screws and a screwdriver. For the next hour I hid, and came out when everyone had gone, and the coast was clear. I went downstairs ready to relax, and flop on the victory sofa when a little voice said “Daddy, I got boxes of Lego, can you start building them for me?” I sat my beat body on the floor and opened page one of the manual with pages so thin yes you could see daylight through them. After thirty minutes I had finished my first Lego, and although I had lost feeling in both legs I had a happy boy. We both knew it would be dismantled within the hour, but I had made my boy happy. Captain Chaos then produced another box. This time I liked to call it ‘the box of punishment’, as you could make three items out of the one box of Lego. Why punishment? Well after Captain Chaos had chosen which model to build, I built it and after thirty long, hard, lonely minutes I stood up with a “Tada!” to be told he made a mistake and could I destroy it and build the car. Sorry son, later in life you will understand the phrase ‘kick in the pants’ but for now I will give my best ‘giving up on life’ look and sit back on the floor.
As we headed towards dinner, my wife said we would get fish and chips as a family. So we shot in my wife’s baked bean tin car with stabilisers and as we got near, my wife said and warning this may shock you “I’m parking on these yellow lines, everyone out.” My wife loves shocking me, and today she pulled out all of the stops when the kids pointed out “Look Mummy, double yellow lines, what do they mean?” Well kids, it means Mummy is parking on the colourful side of the street, and Daddy pretends to shake like a leaf at the thought of a parking fine. I was standing in the chip shop half wondering if we had already been nicked, but my wife took care of that worry for me, when she announced that when we get home, it’s dinner, everyone into pyjamas and into bed. Hang on a minute Sleeping Beauty, can I stay up a little bit to at least enjoy some of my evening, before we write it off?
As we got home, thankfully with no parking ticket, we sat in the front room watching a movie with fish and chips and watched two kids yawning. We tucked the kids into bed, and Captain Chaos announced he would play in his room for a while before bed. I saw the yawns earlier and truly believed he would go straight to sleep. Lets just say he went up and down the stairs so often it would have been easier to put an escalator in. Night, night everyone, see you all next week bright eyed and bushy tailed!