Boxing Day Ice Cream Daddy?

This morning it’s Boxing Day and after an eventful Christmas Day, where Captain Chaos decided he was a bat and bats do not sleep at night, I awoke refreshed. Captain Chaos however was out cold showing the world the back of his mouth. I was fairly sure you could have taken his tonsils out and he wouldn’t have woken up! In the end it was only my little girl and I awake so she asked to go downstairs. I went down and she then asked if we could play with her new toys. Reluctantly I volunteered after making us both drinks. It just goes to show I still have the Peter Pan in me as I absolutely loved every minute, and this morning we both laughed long and hard as we made up a story for our character and made pretend ice cream.

Many hours passed before my wife and our resident bat arrived downstairs looking like they had been on a heavy drinking session. Captain Chaos then made a request that wiped the smile off of my face, by asking if could I build the Lego aeroplane again. Oh you mean the million part Lego aeroplane I raced against Mummy to build, that took blood, sweat and years of my life I will never recover? Captain Chaos then produced a box of parts and announced “I dropped it Daddy.” What?! Seriously son there was a part of me that we will never get back, but it got worse, oh a lot worse. Not only would I be rebuilding it, but also had to find the parts. Apparently the aeroplane had a bad landing in our conservatory, the floor took the brunt of it and now many essential parts were missing. I did wonder if the wing was really necessary or if I could get away with not including it as part of the model, but looking into his sad eyes I caved and searched the conservatory turned airport.

After a full rebuild of the aeroplane I decided to get dressed and showered so I jumped in the bathroom, which is normally the time when every member of my family needs to use the toilet. I swear something happens to everyone’s bladders and bowels when I get into the shower as there is a sudden urgency for everyone to make use of the toilet. Today was no different. The ‘knock of doom’ sounded on the bathroom door, and before I started shouting at the bathroom door I did check it wasn’t a remote control car again. There before me was my little girl with a hair-band and ribbon and asking if I could make a beautiful hair-band. Sorry my little bundle of eagerness, at what point did you think Daddy wrapped in a towel dripping wet would be a star candidate for creating a hair-band worthy of your beautiful hair? I pleaded that I would be a lot more creative after a shower and not remaining smelly. It must have worked because she left happy in the knowledge that Daddy would be a creative genius after a shower. Now I really had set myself up for a massive fall.

Once clean and restored to some kind of sanity I descended downstairs to discover Captain Chaos with play dough in his ear! Before I began to panic and scream, I just asked “Why, son?” He answered back so calmly “Look Daddy, its my ear!” as he peeled it out of his ear. I am sure he will be famous later in his life and make startling discoveries, but could we do mini discoveries that do not require visiting accident and emergency to prise play dough out of the ear? He seemed to get the message that Daddy did not like play dough and entertained himself by putting it on the floor and making foot imprints. Memo to self, do not start playing with his play dough without wearing thick, very thick rubber gloves!

My wife joined me later and started talking about taking rubbish to our local dump, and to show I was listening I stated she told me this yesterday. My wife, ever the comedian, stated she knew and was just making conversation. So after ten years of marriage people this what you have to look forward to, candle light blown out by your kids, and talk about the local dump. Yes I am living life on the edge now. What could eleven years of marriage bring? I am getting giddy just contemplating it.

We ended this afternoon with a walk. When it was mentioned to my little girl she replied that she was playing with her cousins and too busy in her social calendar at seven years old to come for a Boxing Day walk, so we went with my brother-in-law, two dogs and Captain Chaos. Captain Chaos managed about four minutes before claiming his feet were super tired, and we could carry him now. Sorry, that should read Daddy could carry him now. It reminded me of those cheap batteries that go in the toy full of hope and promise, and fail within a few minutes with the parents looking at each other on Christmas Day thinking “You must be joking!” I put him on my shoulders, and twenty minutes later I went from over six foot to about three to four foot tops, with face covered in mud from his wellies that were dangling around my shoulders. It made me laugh because when we got home, he appeared with no socks! My wife asked him where his socks were, to which he replied “Oh I have hurty feet, so I took them off!” Sorry son, did you just say hurty feet? It’s only that for the last twenty minutes all they have done is rub mud around my face and occasionally boot my ears, whilst I am a lot shorter in height, and I can no longer feel my shoulders! Don’t worry though son, as long as you’re are ok, and nothing stresses you out too much!

As the day was almost over we had a light tea which included chocolate cake and hot drinks. Captain Chaos, being a dedicated chocolate fan, pulled the cake apart, let out a big shout and asked his Granny where the chocolate was. Me? I was taking cover under the table and happy to admit I am a mouse to survive! My wife dismantled the cake even further and grabbing a fork performed a post-mortem on the suspect chocolate cake with it. This ended with Captain Chaos leaving the brown cake covered with something that looked suspiciously like chocolate and my wife begrudgingly licking her lips and finishing the cake. I was about to start the phrase “Little pickers wear bigger knickers” but the only thing I would be wearing would be a bulls eye followed swiftly by me yelling “Ouch!” so I came out from under the table and pretended to be a man.

Even my little girl by this point, was now tired so we made the decision to depart for home. We asked the kids to try and find their coats. It was at this point Captain Chaos announced “Come on everyone, lets go to my house!” Whoa tiger, I have not finished paying for the house yet, and here you are claiming your inheritance! That night I went to bed feeling much shorter, with numb shoulders, in a house now owned by Captain Chaos. I am worried tomorrow morning he may start asking me for rent, so I may have to borrow my in-laws dogs and start busking in the evening for extra cash to pay the rent and the mortgage.

Night, Night everyone!