Christmas 2018 Diary – Part Three

Sunday 24th December

Yesterday the kids were given a monster type egg cup, complete with monster type hair, so yes you can imagine what they wanted for breakfast this morning. Never before had I seen so many eggs cooking, and then the punch up began. We only had one monster egg cup and hair, and so began five minutes of arguing despite my plea that eggs taste exactly the same even without monster type hair. My wife settled it, held onto the hair and said we would find another set.

We got showered and changed and went to church. When we came back we had a spot of lunch, then began the search for dessert. The kids and my wife all love chocolate, so they had chocolate, but as I do not really like chocolate I was stuck. My wife said “Oh, I have a yogurt that’s only a month out of date.” Thank you so much my little food bin chef, but I rejected it on health and safety grounds. My wife then produced another yogurt, this time only two days out of date but announced I was safe because the lid was not blown. Are we seriously tried to kill me off ready for some insurance money, or is it ok to admit I do not fancy yogurt with more bacteria than our food bin? In the end I was given a biscuit and kept very quiet in case the yogurts came walking back like a horror movie.

My son was given his foil wrapped reindeer chocolate and announced to the world “I knew it was a reindeer, because my brain is very good”. Really son, the foil in the shape of the reindeer did not give the game away, or the red nose on the front did not surprise you? But no, he has a “…very good brain!” My kids then asked at one o’clock in the afternoon whether it was nearly bed time, and could they put their pyjamas on ready. Typical, every other day of the year I cannot get the kids near bedtime, and when you do, you’re the mean old man, and “It’s so unfair!”

We had to pop out to our friends house briefly and it was then I noticed the elf door had moved again onto the floor. I am guessing it was too high originally for the elves and ‘elf and safety’ were not impressed. Sorry bad joke, but I fear tomorrow we will be inundated with elves now they can reach the door, but as long as they do not think they are sharing my Christmas dinner then they will be fine. For the rest of the afternoon the kids were begging to get home and go to bed. We came home and cooked dinner. Currently the kids are now begging, yes begging to go to bed. We are going to do baths first, but I think the moment they get out of the bath it’s safe to assume they will be straight into their pyjamas and into bed. Could this evening be a husband and wife chatting for two hours? Wait, scrub that, could this evening be husband and wife gaze into each other’s eyes whilst eating mince pies with full butter pastry, saturated with brandy and filled with sumptuous fruit? Bring on the mince pies! Alas it was not meant to be! Following bedtime, the kids went up and down the stairs like we had installed an escalator until we lost the plot, and then my wife brought up the big guns. My wife grabbed her phone and said she was calling Father Christmas. Never before have I seen such fear, and two kids ran like they had saw an ice cream van in the distance.

Just case any kids are reading this, Father Christmas was just in the process of retrieving the presents out of the secret hiding place, when Mrs Christmas revealed their whereabouts. They were hidden in my little girls room! Let’s just say the cupboard door had metals springs that make an awful noise like something from a horror film as you open the door. It’s is safe to assume my wife will not make a cat burglar, as even my little girl who could sleep through a marching band in her bed room stirred at the sound.

Night, night Diary, talk to you tomorrow.


Monday 25th December

It felt like every ten minutes our kids were shouting “Can we get up yet?” When questioned my little girl was up at 4am and Captain Chaos was up at 5am. We finally gave in at 6am, and trotted downstairs bleary eyed, which I smiled at because I remember doing the same to my parents, and now the boot is on the other foot. There was an almighty blizzard of wrapping paper, and the squeals of delight, but none would reach the dizzy heights of Granny and Grandpa’s present, but more on that later. My wife, ever on the encouragement front, announced at 6.45am, “Well that’s it Christmas is over!” Hang on a minute tiger, before you start to hand out gems of encouragement, could we wait until I have had Christmas dinner at least?

I did not let on but I was feeling terrible, and I left my presents downstairs and went back to bed to recover for half an hour, when my son trotted upstairs and asked if he could have one of my chocolate coins I was given. Now I was feeling so rough that I had not thought this through, so when my little girl came up, she also wanted one. By the time I realised what had happened I went back downstairs to find all of my chocolate coins had gone. My two hungry gannets has polished off the lot, and it was then I realised they had their own chocolate coins, and proudly displayed they had plenty, but poor old Dads’ were polished off cleaner than a toothpick!

We visited church and headed onto my in-laws, where I consider myself blessed because I love Christmas dinner, and my mother in law could make any TV chef look like an amateur. I lapped up the Christmas meal, well tried anyway. Captain Chaos sat beside me and, what felt like every ten seconds, announced he had to get down to tell Mummy something important. What could be that important you ask? I was feeling so ill I lost the will to live and just said “Crack on.” Every ten seconds he got down on this vital mission, but I was on a vital mission too, and second helpings were moving round the table faster than a fighter jet, and as this was ‘the meal of the year’, I wasn’t going to miss out, sorry son.

After dinner presents were handed round, and my in-laws got my son a whoopie cushion, as part of a presents sack, and initially he clapped his hands like a chimpanzee with symbols. Grandpa and his uncle with the cool van explained what it really was. “You mean this produces toots on demand?” Well the squeals were so loud they almost pierced our ear drums, and we were blowing it up like a hot air balloon. This was so popular, and the louder the toot the better. Talking of loud, Captain Chaos was preparing himself for the toot of the century, and having blown this cushion up to maximum capacity, he ran and launched his bottom down, like heavy machinery on a mission, and oh yes there was a bang alright, but this was the bang that said every side of this cushion was exploding, and bits of rubber exploded everywhere. Now I consider myself an optimist, but my son was certainly on a mission, and asked for sellotape to fix it. We explained it would not work, but tears starting falling, and so did our pleas and we found some sellotape. Now to be fair, he was lashing up this cushion to within an inch of his life, and it seemed no piece of rubber was escaping, and towards the end it looks like a library book that had been laminated, and it worked, so toots carried on, and everyone had to had a Christmas toot.

The next present that my son produced was some money, and no sooner had he announced “Look what I got!” than my wife’s paws reached out and snatched it faster than an SAS recovery team. She said “I’ll look after that!” Both my son and I looked at each other with total shock. You see Mummy does not have the quickest reaction, but boy, announce money, and the ever alert banker will seize the money faster than your mortgage company on pay day! I was a little concerned the paper note would go up in flames she moved so fast, and where it went no one knows, but man, can my wife can move fast.

As the day drew to a close the kids were flagging, and we said we would take them home or so we thought! As they were very vocal about fading with hunger pains, Granny fed them a quick tea, and then we said we would take them home. Again, so we thought, until the kids asked had we forgot anything? Much racking of our brains later they announced “What about pudding?” Their cousin saved the day with a box of chocolates longer than our car, with an expensive menu, and like locusts they made it their mission to work though the menu. They are very good at eating chocolate, especially coins but I am not bitter at all. They finally agreed we could go home, and they claimed they were ‘very tired’, which lasted until we got through the door, and then all the toys had to be unpacked, and installed into their bedroom.

Finally we kissed them goodnight, and I went downstairs slumped onto the sofa and… wait hang on a minute my son just shot past with a toolbox, claiming he needed to “fix something”. Just before I ring our insurance company I’m off to investigate.

Talk tomorrow Diary, night, night.


Tuesday 26th December

Been up since 4am feeling like a clapped out classic car with only one cylinder working, and covered in rust. My little girl was sweet and came into our bedroom with a get well card she had made, and this blew me away. My little girl appeared a little later and said some of her new figures were also as sick as a dog and they could stay with me. Great let’s all share diseases together and be merry.

My wife announced the kitchen sink was blocked, and went out to her parents, so I put gloves on and worked on the kitchen sink and drains. By this you may think I am some sort of expert, but I was just following my chemistry class, and mixed kitchen ingredients that could clear most blockages, and after a short pop, bang and fizz, the drains were running like a charm.

I spent the day feeling sorry for myself, when the kids came back and had a punch up over a plastic mat, yes people a plastic mat. If we are going to have a mass punch up, could we at least fight over something worth while?

Following a punch up worthy of pay per view tv, the kids put on a film and sat on one sofa, while my wife and I sat on the other sofa. This was fine until they both decided to move onto our two seater sofa. Yes that’s right two seater, which was converted into a four seater, with toolbox and snacks. Did you ever see that joke where someone gets stuck in automatic doors, and they are squashed like sardines? Because that’s how we felt. Just to get a banana to your mouth took negotiation on the other three peoples parts!

As we put the kids to bed, we whispered sweet dreams, read a story, and crept downstairs like ninjas, followed by Captain Chaos. I was tucking into a mince pie, so decided to show the love, and offered it to him, which my human dustbin rejected. I immediately began to panic! Our human dustbin never rejects food, so the mince pie must be terrible, and we packed him back off upstairs. We said goodnight, sweet dreams, and sat on the sofa for a lovely evening, filled with . . . footsteps coming down the stairs. “I cannot walk” as he walked over to the sofa and sat down. We did ask for proof, which he immediately jumped up and said “I will show you.” He walked round and came back. Now we did not like to call him a liar, but had to question his medical knowledge. After negotiations of peace keeping level, he settled on a snack of cucumber and went to bed. Amazing, who knew cucumber had some an amazing healing property?


Wednesday 27th December

We woke up today to snow, and the moment the kids found out it was like Christmas mark 2, with squeals and excitement. They volunteered to get dressed and shot outside to start building a snowman. Captain Chaos must have got confused because he thought it was a mass dessert and started eating snow like it’s going out of fashion. My wife and I looked at each other and said as long as it was not yellow snow then we did not mind too much.

Both kids came in as soon as they lost feeling in their body and my wife ran them a bath, which again brought excitement as they had a Christmas present of packets of gel that turned the bath into gunge type jelly. I would have thought that meant you cannot get bath water over the side and flood the kitchen ceiling so I was excited as they were, but for different reasons. Turns out my excitement was short lived when I heard the screams from downstairs to stop getting bathwater on the floor. Yippee, our house is like the fourth road bridge, as soon as you paint a ceiling, one bathtime later and it needs painting again. Oh I do love a good bathtime!

My wife was making a cake later in the day, and Captain Chaos was the trainee baker, complete with his baking apron watching the tv. Now I was very impressed as he was making a cake and watching tv, but I quickly realised he is going to be a company director one day. The reason being is that when I got into the kitchen my wife was measuring out the ingredients and adding them to a food mixer, and shouted into the lounge “Ok, I’m ready.” Captain Chaos shot into the room like his pants were on fire, pressed the food mixer on, and shot back to the tv. Me, I was stunned like I was frozen because I could not believe my eyes, and I’m expecting tomorrow he will tell the world about his ‘homemade’ cake.

I was so stunned I decided to go out for a coffee and check someone’s house who we were taking care of for them. As soon as I got back I needed the toilet and shot upstairs, to see most of Captain Chaos’ bedroom in the bathroom. I wondered if he had sublet the toilet and was pocketing the cash. I was so desperate I made a path and did my business, and as I went to go downstairs I saw a two man tent in our bedroom. Good grief son, how many rooms are you subletting, and should I be worried I have no room to sleep? I was wondering if it was too late to negotiate a room to sleep tonight, or if the garden was also full tonight. As I got downstairs my wife said “I know what you’re thinking and they are happy!” Of course the kids are happy, Princess of Happiness, our son is subletting the rooms on a large scale basis, and could become a multi-millionaire by dawn.

I sat on the sofa and got side tracked, and before I knew where I was the kids shot past me announcing dinner, don’t miss it. I too was now running as I did not know how much would be left before I got there. As soon as the kids sat down they gave thanks, and were grabbing tortillas like they were the last in the world. I grabbed the plate and shot it forward before the locusts finished the lot, and panicked when I saw the arcade grabbing arms machine going for the cheese. I quickly realised the cheese was in short supply and wondered how fast could I get the tortillas? I managed it just in the nick of time, and enjoyed possibly my last meal in the house before I was booted out, with nowhere to sleep due to mass subletting.

I was still feeling rotten so I had a hot bath at near nuclear level and felt like a new man.

Night, night Diary, talk to you tomorrow.