Wednesday 20th December
This morning I was keeping a low profile from my wife, as I am sure she will find out what I did very soon. Captain Chaos was junk modelling, and had corned the world market on junk, and sellotape, and anything not moving was lashed up with sellotape. Everything was wonderful, with smiles all round until he run out of paper. Now what do you do? You have no paper and suddenly smiles have turned upside down, and the bottom lip was starting to move like a sixties rock star. Panicking I started to scour the house and found cereal boxes. Yes people I emptied the cereal and split the boxes to make paper. Trouble is when my wife finds the cereal in a plastic food bag on the side someone is going to have a size six knee high boot rammed so far up their bottom it is going to take a trained surgeon days to retrieve it! Forgive me for wearing a few extra pairs of pants to soften the blow. I’m currently walking on egg shells, cowering down the side of the kitchen, at least until tomorrow Diary, then I cannot hide it any longer. It’s been fun, Diary.
In the afternoon my wife went out, and I think I can sum up the last four hours by saying tantrum, punch up followed by “I want a snaaaaaack”. Apparently when my wife came home Captain Chaos said he needed a snack and “could not wait any longer!” As you can tell clearly he is malnourished and underfed at around a hundred snacks a day. Ok that’s an exaggeration, buts it’s what it feels like, and I know, I know be strong and stand your ground man, are you a man or a mouse . . . . Squeeeeeeeeek.
It’s only just gone five thirty and I have closed the curtains, and sat in a dark place and there is a damp patch. Whoa tiger, that’s where I am dribbling, not having a little accident, cheeky!
Later in the evening we were going out, and left our niece in charge. Well you say left our niece in charge, but it was more the kids who were in charge, as they demonstrated how the television switched on, and how the kids programmes could come on, and their favourite film magically started, so we left the kids ‘helping’ our niece with the television. We had a great evening with friends and when we came back I received the biggest kick in the pants of my life. I know I can confide in you Diary, but I was a little sad tonight when our baby sitter said the kids could not sleep “because they miss Mummy so much.” I did wonder if I was just the snack fetcher, and drinks bearer or if they remembered I am around, but tomorrow is a new day, and I will withhold snacks until Daddy is back on the top of the tree. Night, night, Diary.
Thursday 21st December
Woke up this morning and I suddnely realised I had not put the bins out. I quickly dressed like someone who had just woken up ten seconds ago, and walked like a person sleepwalking. I am so sorry neighbours for that, but I really was half asleep. It was only when I went to go back in I noticed a small door with a padlock. Upon investigation it turned out my son had put an elves door up! I was starting to panic we would be full of the blighters, but upon second glance, the door was around two foot up the wall, so unless they could jump, our house was safe from elves.
I went downstairs to make my wife a cup of tea and earn brownie points, but as I got downstairs my son asked if we could make a treasure chest. There was me half naked, lashing up junk with sellotape and then he announced “Oh course I do need money, Daddy!” I pulled out the old classic “Don’t worry son, there are some plastic coins in your toy box.” That went down as well as telling our kids the biscuit tin just ran out. My son said “No Daddy, real coins!” In a panic my wife came down and gave him some, so I was about to pull that stunt myself to see if I could get enough for a coffee, when my wife said they were loose change from a foreign country. Smooth, my foreign currency exchange wife, smooth.
My son was having a melt down of nucular proportion so suggested some play dough time, to which he calmed down to a serene chilled out individual, with my wife as excited as a rat with a food bin. My wife seemed to be enjoying her play dough time, so who was I to disturb her, and left her to it. Shortly after my wife said she was going to the supermarket, so I sat down and played a board game with my son. Now to say my son likes to win is an understatement but man, there was some serious cheating going on.
As I watched carefully Captain Chaos would count how many steps he needed first, then move the dice on the physical board to the correct side. Don’t worry about my son becoming a magician, because his slide of hand was terrible! We moved onto building little cities and his side of the board was like a housing estate that you see put up in seconds. I admitted to myself he was going to win, and no surprise when he announced “All I have to do is get to the middle, watch Daddy!” Captain Chaos needed a five to win, and surprise, surprise the dice magically rolled over to a five. I pretended to be shocked, then congratulated him on a really bad slide of hand, cheating little house builder, and suggested a film to while away the time. The afternoon went rapidly and my wife came back and produced a meal. Now when we say meal, that’s all the kids could say, because it had mushrooms and peppers, and no cheese, so in their eyes this was the kids equivalent of road kill. My wife pacified the kids with some grated cheese which helped, until Captain Chaos had a few morsels and claimed he was full, but we were not to worry he had just enough room for desserts. Nice try Mister Magician, but that trick is so old I am fairly sure Adam and Eve pulled it. We explained that Mummy and Daddy were his age once, and had pulled the same stunt, so if they wanted anything out of the special tin, then we needed a few more mouthfuls. Well the faces Captain Chaos was pulling you would have thought we went through the neighbours bins, and made sure it was warm!
After dessert we did baths, where the kids put the bath water on the bathroom floor, we got cranky, and they claimed someone else had done it, and then put them to bed. Ok, ok who am I kidding? We all know my little girl went to bed, but as for Captain Chaos well he is still ‘busy’ turfing his room upside down! I reckon by midnight he should conk out. Who wants to tell him Diary, we are up at six o’clock in the morning, as we are heading out on a long journey?
Friday 22nd December
Normally you get a newsflash on your phone that shocks you and shakes your very being. This time I found out a shock, but in the form of a four year old Captain Chaos. It turns out that he has been using my toothbrush! I know what you’re thinking Diary, what’s so shocking about that? Trust me, some of the things he eats, and some of the places he takes his toothbrushes I fear I am having nightmares for weeks! I have a new toothbrush now, but am keeping it very secret, and still have the old one in the pot to give the illusion I am still using it. Quite why he loves using my toothbrush I don’t know as I eat onion and mushrooms which are considered “…’gusting!”
Today we set off for a three hour journey in the car to see my family and have a mini Christmas with my family. The roads were clear and the only sound was in the back seat when the tablet turned itself off. I managed to talk my wife through fixing it, with a few bits in my car, and now who is mocking me for having mini tools inside my car? Within minutes the tablet was up and running and peace was resumed.
We stayed at my sister’s and Diary, it was the most wonderful time, and I know this is slushy but as I get older I realise that the best gift anyone can give is time, and spending time with my family made my Christmas into a very special one. Now I know what you’re thinking Diary, what happened? What went wrong? Truthfully nothing really, apart from my kids getting a mini bow and rubber sucker arrow set and shooting the Christmas tree until it looked bald, shooting the back door until even my family became worried, and my son lobbing my brother-in-law’s weights at the floor. The last crash sent me over the edge as I could not afford a repair bill so we said our goodbyes and went to the overnight hotel.
Man, my kids know how to get free goods! Both turned on the baby blues at the receptionist and managed to gain free sweets, crayons, colouring books, and asking about furniture on the desk, to which I lost the plot and asked them to wait on a chair rather than going home with a desk, chair and the pen used to sign guests in. We encouraged pyjamas and bed. My son announced he was super thirsty, so following a drought and many drinks later, both then claimed a mass crime wave was happening and what if someone sneaked in and stole their toys. Trust me kids, Daddy puffed and panted his way up the stairs, and I am around ten years older, and have hands like a chimpanzee thanks to heavy bags, so am feeling fairly safe. Night, night Diary, talk tomorrow when we are heading off to our next family meal.
Saturday 23rd December
Oh Diary, did you hear the racket from the upstairs room in the hotel room last night? I think they were bouncing bowling balls last night, as it was very noisy but at least I could sleep in. Or so I thought, because at 6.10am the kids woke up, turned the tablet on to ears bleeding mode, and produced bow and arrows and shot anything in the hotel room that did not move. Is it bad at 6.30am I was ready to open the windows and throw the bow and arrow out of the window, followed by the tablet? It was not until I remembered the windows don’t open “for your own safety” that I rolled over and wondered if I had been really bad yesterday. I’m now worried about the air conditioning unit, as the kids just shot it with sucker arrows, I’m nursing my credit card for damages as my credit card is sobbing it’s little heart out and the air conditioning is sounding a little iffy after being shot at.
The hotel room now has air thick with atmosphere and stress when my wife went into the bathroom to relieve herself, and halfway through proceeding Captain Chaos turned the light out, from outside. Blood-curdling screams throughout the hotel were heard, but my wife says she has calmed down. As for me I am using the light of a phone to write this, oh sorry did I say I am hiding? And yes, I am still squeaking like a mouse not a man. I felt reassured to come out of my hiding place when my wife came out of the shower and looked for her hair brush. Suddenly a full scale search last seen by the military began for her hair brush. Things were decidedly frosty when she found it in the bin, with lots of yucky stuff, however despite intense questioning no one claimed responsibility, so I guess the fairies were back. Time to hide again I feel.
We had a great time with relatives, and started the long journey home where it was time for confessions, and apparently my kids were hiding a corker. Apparently the calendar has changed and instead on 31 days in December, now there are only around 5 or 6. Both kinds confessed to have finished their chocolate calendar days ago, and I mean days ago. To be fair though if you’re a chocoholic like Captain Chaos having it in the house with only thin silver foil between you and the next fix was asking for trouble. Having got home we all fell asleep by 9.30pm. I know Diary, that’s bad, but even Captain Night Owl was asleep by 9pm so he must have been tired. Night, night Diary, talk to you tomorrow.