Do I Need Gloves Daddy?

Today we were going around to visit some friends of ours, and I must admit I was a nervous man. Things seem to fall apart in other people’s homes, and usually I have to do the walk of shame. No sooner had our friends greeted us, than my two ferrets were straight in the house like a racing dog chasing a rabbit. We chatted to our friends and I presumed our kids were playing nicely. Everyone but Captain Chaos arrived in the kitchen. Captain Chaos was silent. I shot round the house on a mission before a loud crash, or shouts of “Oh no!” filled the house. I did find Captain Chaos who was already going through our friend’s games cupboard. I politely asked my resident cat burglar to get out of their cupboard and he gave a cheeky grin. I would find out later why the grin was happening but for now, I asked him to get some lunch.

Our friends were impressed at how far Captain Chaos jaws could open!

As the grown ups sat discussing life and its meaning one person came in and said Captain Chaos was performing a dance that could only be described as only a wife should see. My wife did the walk of shame and asked Disco Dave to pack in the dance moves and eat his lunch. Peace at last and the kids shot out into the snow outside. Our friends sat relaxed by the kitchen window suddenly turned and asked us not to panic, but Captain Chaos was playing with the ice in the pond. I went into panic mode. Apparently though, the pond was very shallow so the only danger would be cold fingers. Sure enough, Captain Chaos came in and asked for gloves because his fingers were like frozen fish fingers due to his pond exploration. Gloves found he shot back out like a ferret into the snow and once more we relaxed.

I’m not kidding you, when our friends brought out chocolate every child in the garden shot in, like homing pigeons. Our friends had made giant sized chocolate crispy cakes. The girls all took dainty bites, Then came Captain Chaos who picked it up, opened his jaw like a snack devouring his pray and dropped it in whole and trotted off! More jaws were open in the room, but that was our friends impressed at how far Captain Chaos jaws could open!

The conversation among the adults continued to discuss life and its meaning while sipping coffee fit for a king, when Captain Chaos shot past carrying dumb bells and shaking them like maracas. Are you curious? Yup, we all were too and asked the obvious question what was he doing with the dumb bells? Captain Chaos looked up grinned and announced that he was “…playing hide and seek of course!” Of course you are son, why else would you have ransacked our friends house and carted dumb bells around to a tune clearly playing very loudly in your head.

The hide and seek game went well, in fact too well, because all of the children were tired after an hour. All except one! We all realised my little girl was missing. A quick interrogation of the children revealed that she was still hiding and they had given up. Before I started a large scale man hunt her brother found her, and having realised my house insurance would not cover any future damage we said a thank you to our friends and headed home.

On the way home my little girl batted her baby blue eyes and asked for hot dogs for tea. I firmly put my foot down announcing I was not a money machine she could manipulate. Okay, okay I cannot lie, I caved immediately like shoes in fresh animal poo. Having reiterated the strict shopping list we passed the drinks aisle and immediately my little girl had a raging thirst, the lights were dimming fast, and we were not sure we could make the journey home. So I went in for hot dog rolls and small sausages and ended up carrying drinks home as well. I picked up some children’s cartons of juice. As we left I tried to opened the vacuum packed cartons of juice. I felt like an old person, because the cartons were sealed with plastic tighter than leather trousers on the dance floor in the eighties. I struggled for an eternity and if you were in Dorset watching an adult wriggling and grunting, then that was me. Seriously, the drinks were a nightmare to open, and at one point my little girl asked me “Shall I open the drinks for you, Daddy?” Sorry princess, but this is a matter of principle and only when I am in my eighties can you help. I am trying to hang onto my youth. The carton nearly exploded but I managed it and my little girl announced I was the best dad in the world. Okay, it was cupboard love, but today I was amazing in my little girls eyes and went to bed a hero.

Tonight I was a hero, tomorrow I will be the baddie. But tonight, if the moon looks bright, that’s the sun shining out of my backside. Enjoy the glow tonight!

Night, night everyone, see you next week bright eyed and bushy tailed.