Dorset Dad Christmas Diary 2019 – Part Four

Tuesday 25th December

Last night the kids left biscuits and a note for Father Christmas, while us parents also left a note for my little girl who gets up too early. We hoped the biscuits and note would buy us an extra hour! The note contained the instruction not to wake anyone until at least seven am. To be fair though, she had woken at 4.30am, but had stayed in her bedroom, and just before seven am Captain Chaos had joined her. Together they were squealing like an animal with a size twelve boot rammed up their bottom. The clock struck seven, and no mouse ran down a clock, but two kids joined us in our bedroom. Captain Chaos decided to wake us up with a new style alarm clock. A violent clap of thunder and Captain Chaos announced he had just passed wind, and it smelt of eggs. The stench must have been bad as my wife was wheezing and struggling for air. There we go, the new Christmas alarm was violent egg flavoured wind.

The television went with a bang, and so did my bum!

My wife and I showed our age needing the toilet, whereas the kids shot downstairs like rats down a drainpipe. As we joined them, a blizzard of wrapping paper filled the room and presents that supposedly needed batteries costing me most of my wages, came with batteries. What?! Come on people, if you are going to supply toys with batteries, could you at least say, so us poor parents are not fleeced? I was thinking of running down our street and selling the batteries for double the price, as there was bound to be some poor parents who needed them. I still remember sending my Dad out on Christmas Day to find batteries, and to be fair he always did.

I had some great presents and sat in the front room charging batteries for toys. I also video called my family. I was a little sad seeing their faces, but knew I would see them soon. My wife announced she was moving her stuff over to her new handbag, and could she start storing some of her electronics in my cupboard. Hang on a minute Princess, how come you get a larger handbag, and suddenly anything not used pre 1945 needs to be offloaded into my cupboard? Not that I’m precious you understand, but it’s my little storage area.

We went to church, and as usual allowed the kids to bring a present each to play with. My son bought his new spy kit, and I have to say it kept both of them quiet cracking codes, and sending secret messages for nearly an hour. It was only toward the end that they both decided they were bored, until a great friend of ours gave them sweets. Oh yes, to us you’re a great friend, to my kids you were a hero. You know who you were, but you truly saved my bacon!

After church we were at my in laws and as I opened the front door my kids jumped up and down on the spot with excitement, like a kangaroo. I did think to myself should I ask them to calm down, but went on the theory it might wear them out and make it a quiet Christmas Day. Okay, okay don’t laugh, I am an optimist and realised things were going to be bad when Captain Chaos booted a rock hard ball for dogs that lit up… as it met the television! The television went with a bang, and so did my bum at the thought of a replacement television for my in-laws. Fortunately the television somehow survived, so we asked Captain Chaos to go easy on the furniture. This was translated into I will find a random dinner knife, jump at the sofa and almost take my wife’s eye out. My wife aged a few years, whilst I calmed my wife and Captain Chaos down. It was decided to hand out a single present to my little girl and Captain Chaos to calm them down. My son received a bionic hand that had to be constructed, so guess who landed the task! I knew things were not going to go well when the instructions were produced. They were written on thin paper with writing so small I kept rubbing the paper to work out if it was dirt or instructions. Whilst others joked, ate and played, I built the bionic hand for over an hour.

It was only at dinner time that we found out my little girl had actually woken up Captain Chaos early. Remember, she had been up since 4.30am. This meant both children were now grumpy. Captain Chaos decided to boycott the meal, until I changed places with him so he could sit near his Mum. I sat on the other side of the dinner table like a ‘Billy No Mates’. I fumigated Captain Chaos seat, which only had a few second of use, but definitely had some very suspect stains. Following the chair change, Captain Chaos started using a metal ruler to engrave onto my in-laws ‘highly polished’ dinner table. Spiffing, just spiffing! Not content with Daddy almost buying a new television, here I was on the verge of finding a new dinner table, or a French polisher who could repair the table.

After dinner, presents were announced and my little girl was in charge of handing out each persons presents. My little girl ran round like an Olympic runner, with cups of tea wobbling and presents being dumped at people’s feet. Trouble was, nobody was really reading the labels. Nor, as we found out, was my little girl! At one point a three part present was found with three different people, none of whom was the intended recipient, so our new parcel delivery person was fired. The most amusing present was someone giving my kids sticks of rock, like you get at an English seaside. My kids were so excited announcing how they always wanted one, and how cool it was, then the little whisper came, “What do you do with it?” We laughed hard and said you eat it, which was true, but more accurately was you suck it! As my little girl tried to put the lot in, she promptly spat it out when she found it tasted of mint.

At almost three in the afternoon, presents were finished and my wife proudly announced “Well that’s Christmas over.” Whoa there ‘Princess Doom and Gloom’, what about Christmas tea, Boxing Day etc? Do you mind if we don’t give up on the festivities, and make it last a little longer? Captain Chaos came over with a 170 part toy and asked “Daddy, can you put this together?” Man, I was shaking like a leaf after the bionic hand! I managed to talked him out of it. Captain Chaos took this well, and brought over an electronic toy dog, with only around fifty parts! So trying to win my best ‘Dad of the day’ award I said yes. Again, whilst people, ate, drank and laughed, I sat in the kitchen like ‘Billy No Mates’ for around two hours putting together this iffy toy dog. I’m not kidding as soon as you connected a wire, it fell out, having to undo the last two thousand steps, to put the wire back in. I was a broken man, and at the end it was so dark, the solar panel would not work! I informed him that I would tackle the dog in the morning, as soon as I had regained feeling in my back side.

This sounds like a job for Daddy.

A little while later the family decided on a nice relaxing board game, to bring together the family and build relationships. Great, let’s pick a game with no instructions that will really try everyone’s patience. We had to research the instructions on the Internet, and by the time my brother-in-law read them out, I had forgotten my own name. I swear you could have explained how governments work, and explained every by-law before we had understood the game. Even during the game we lost the plot, and in the end said to just enjoy the game. Well everyone enjoyed the game, until one our our children were put in charge of the egg timer. The other child, being so tired, exploded and declared war. Having watched sparks fly, and tears and anger flow, I sat there and wondered what had happened to the nice relaxing board game? We made the executive decision to pack the game away, especially as some of the instructions were still being called into question.

After a quick Christmas tea, we went home, where my wife agreed to build a 3D dinosaur, with internal organs. Yes people, I knew having built most of Father Christmas toys earlier in the day, my wife would be there until at least dawn, when I heard the fateful conversation “This sounds like a job for Daddy.” No way cowboy, sorry but Daddy has retired from building toys today, as I felt like an overworked elf. I quickly thought on my feet and announced Daddy was tired, so it was cuddles and everyone into bed.

I may have lost my ‘Dad of the day’ award that night, but regained my patience. Night, night diary talk to you tomorrow. Happy Christmas, diary.

Wednesday 26th December

I woke up this morning to the sound of someone hitching up a caravan to a tow bar in Captain Chaos bedroom. It was such a racket I truly expected to see a caravan in Captain Chaos bedroom. I’m afraid I had a new book and could not put it down, so by the time a few hundred pages had passed, the hero was in control, I showered and changed to find my wife building a robot for Captain Chaos. I floated into the kitchen stress free until my wife saw the time and said we had to go out for a walk in thirty minutes. Imagine the stress of stockbrokers at a stock exchange, double it, and you have an idea how bad it had got. By time time we had got into the car it was silence for a while, then we drove to some woods for a long family walk.

As we arrived, people walked past with mud up their back, and wellies coated in many layers of thick mud. Imagine walking in very thick mud with puddles, two excited children, and you have an idea of how the walk went. By the time we got home, we all had to change our clothes and headed onto my in-laws for a Boxing Day lunch. We spent a relaxing afternoon and had cake for tea, which clearly was not enough for my two food machines, who were begging for tea. We emptied the fridge onto plates, when the bad news was delivered to a sobbing Daddy, who was smacking the table crying “Why me, why me?” The bionic hand already needed repairs, and it took two adults, many tools and twenty minutes to repair. Would anyone like to buy a bionic hand?

By the time bedtime arrived I was ready to sleep. Night, night diary sleep tight.