Dorset Dad Christmas Diary 2019 – Part Three

Saturday 22nd December

Consider me so relaxed I am positively horizontal, after a fantastic lie-in. The kids were already downstairs beating the furniture, however I was upstairs in a warm and cosy bed, with pillows like marshmallows. To top it off my loving wife had fetched a freshly filtered coffee. Having enjoyed the moment, I showered and changed ready to start the day. My little girl suddenly informed she was coming with me to the supermarket. Whoa there princess, this is news to Daddy! Can you whip back and ask Mummy what you’re on about? The message came back “Mummy wants to see you!” This was like being summoned before the headmaster at school, with the walk being the longest, whilst you racked your brains for the crime, and potential reasons why you were not at fault.

As I stood before my wife like a man in the courtroom, I was told “Remember you are getting batteries and a birthday card.” I breathed a sigh of relief and explained of course I remembered! (Diary, only me and you know the real truth, so keep quiet.) My little girl and I got to the door when Captain Chaos asked for a chocolate egg with a toy. He pulled the ‘baby blue eye’ routine, announcing he was my “…little boy.” Man, talk about emotional blackmail. I headed out to the supermarket. As I arrived in the battery aisle I was ready to take the shirt off my back again and stand in my boxer shorts grumping and groaning at being fleeced. We had bought various toys that required batteries, but who knows what size as they were as they were already wrapped! I had to get various sizes to cover all bases. I grabbed the vastly overpriced items, and grabbed a card, when I remembered the chocolate eggs with toys. Would you believe it? For Christmas they don’t have individual ones, only packs with cars or animals. I ended up getting a pack for my little girl who wanted animals, and one pack of cars for my son. That sound you hear is me taking the shirt off my back again.

Cheeky termites had started burgling the house and made toast while they did it.

As I approached the till my debit card was shaking like a leaf. As I swiped it, it melted into two and asked to be put out of its misery. Nope, sorry my little debit card, if I am suffering so are you, remember it’s Christmas. It was worth it though, because when I got back Captain Chaos said I was the best dad ever, which translated means, you’re okay dad. This message is good until the chocolate runs out, and the toy falls to bits.

The afternoon was easy to sum up, as it was one punch up after another. At one point a toy house ownership was called into question. My little girl, despite playing with it, had it repossessed by Captain Chaos who had kicked the door in when we arrived. Having settled that argument, we went on from argument to argument. I was a happy man when bedtime was announced!

Tomorrow will be a better day- lie in, everyone feeling chilled, nothing can go wrong. Talk tomorrow Diary.

Sunday 23rd December

It’s Sunday people, Sunday and no one starts their Sunday at 4.30am, well all except Dorset Dad. I woke up because I could hear someone downstairs. I froze in bed listening to sounds downstairs. You never think it would happen to you. Before I raised the alarm I wanted to be sure, because if the burglar didn’t get a black eye, then I certainly would for waking my wife! Trouble was I now needed a wee, and my bladder was about to burst. After hearing furniture move downstairs again I decided to raise the alarm. Naturally it was for the safety of the family and nothing to do with the fresh sausage rolls I had made downstairs.

I felt like I now had a large balloon between my legs I had been holding on for so long

I whispered to my wife gently “Sorry honey, but I think we’re being burgled.” In my mind one of us would dial the police while the other told them to get out. My wife charged like a bull straight downstairs, and heaven help anyone burgling the house because I was scared for them. I charged on behind trying to catch up, and as I got to the bottom of the stairs I could smell toast. Cheeky termites had started burgling the house and made toast while they did it. As I turned the corner there was my little girl with a drink in her hand announcing “Morning!” We asked her whether she realised it was four thirty am? Apparently not! So we frog marched her back to bed and asked for daylight before pulling that stunt again. Finally, finally I could go for a wee, as I felt like I now had a large balloon between my legs I had been holding on for so long. I hopped into bed with the adrenaline still pumping to find Sleeping Beauty cum nightclub bouncer was sound asleep.

The rest of the day was spent arguing over important things like size of sausage rolls, ownership of broken toys, so you can imagine my excitement at bedtime. Short lived though, very short lived, as Captain Chaos came downstairs not feeling well, so my wife tended to his every need. I waited, and waited, and waited for some time together, but heard gentle purring as I approached Captain Chaos bedroom, to find my wife and Captain Chaos fast asleep!

Oh well, movie streaming service to the rescue. Night, night diary.

Monday 24th December

Six am and even Captain Chaos was up! He promptly hopped into our bed, making a total of three, and the final straw was when it became four! I grumped and groaned my way downstairs like a grumpy old man. I bagged our spare duvet and sat on the sofa to watch television as the kids were doing a take over bid for our bed, only to find two children with two tablets now in the front room drowning out the television. Am I justified to be grumpy now?

Having got showered and dressed I felt like a clapped out classic car that failed it’s MOT and had been declared ready for scrap. No sooner had I opened the bathroom door I was asked, is it nearly bed time? Whoa there a minute my keen bean! I know you want Christmas to come faster but we have a few hours to go. What followed was argument, after argument interspersed with apologies and can we go to bed yet? After losing the will to live we went round my in-laws for coffee, whilst the kids terrorised the nativity scene. Captain Chaos having turned the nativity scene to look like a construction site, sniffed out chocolate coins. Seriously how comes he cannot find his shoes in the morning, but could find a small bag of chocolate coins in a tree?

By the time my kids had road tested the milk, there was an influx of bacteria doing the back stroke in the glass.

Granny and Grandpa obviously have a calming effect as they took computer tablets into the kitchen and we did not hear from them for hours. We did check on them regularly but they looked like they were suffering from rigormortis and did not move, except one finger to operate the computer tablet. After coffee we headed on to home, where my wife claimed, repeat claimed that a good dinner, bath, and some of her special oil and the kids would fall straight to sleep. Let’s take a minute to pause for laughter!

Obviously Father Christmas had to visit, and apparently the kids said they would leave a mince pie, carrots and some milk. Yet again I tried to convince them that Father Christmas only likes blue top or gold top milk, and the rest is fit for cleaning the drains with, but Mummy said green top milk was fine. Thanks my loving wife, I nearly had the good milk, now I am drinking white coloured drain cleaner. As for the carrots, I know they will go down well, but as for the mince pie, I have it on good authority that only Mrs Claus enjoys these, and Mr Claus would rather a sausage roll. As I could not have the good milk, I doubt Father Christmas is getting a yummy sausage roll.

After baths I hate to say my wife was right, but sure enough both kids fell asleep straight away. It’s a shame it happens only once a year, but at least it was all silent. Oh, I nearly forgot before baths they put out a glass of milk, which was licked by Captain Chaos to check it. My little girl then put her fingers in it to see if Captain Chaos had licked it! By the time my kids had road tested the milk, there was an influx of bacteria doing the back stroke in the glass. My little girl also asked if we could leave more carrots out, for each of the reindeers. I secretly put my hands together and shook my head violently. Don’t get me wrong, I like a good carrot, but that many is not doable on Christmas Eve, especially raw. As for the biscuit, well by the time it was man handled by both kids ready for Santa, it was deemed quite valuable! Oh yes, medical science would love to take a peek at it for research purposes! If there are kids reading this then Father Christmas loved the treats. If you’re a grown up I think we both know where the treats went!

Off to bed now Diary, talk tomorrow as we both know it’s going to be early, especially as my little girl has started pulling 4.30am starts!