Dorset Dad Diary – Part 1

October Half Term

Saturday 20th of October

Don’t you just hate it when you wake up at 6am on a Saturday, for no reason diary? I was thinking I was the only one up, until I heard my graceful ballerina downstairs, with what can only be described as running a cinema downstairs with sound at stadium level. Everyone else woke up and went downstairs for breakfast, to find out Goldilocks and her three pigging bears had already picked the cupboards clean, but at least we had coffee. Sorry people, but no fresh ground coffee on the weekend, no Dorset Dad.

We were due to go to my father-in-laws for a birthday celebration, and I asked the kids to tidy the mess they had made in the front room. Having watched one of my children move Lego one piece at a time, I read the riot act. One child claimed they were tidying at full speed, whilst the other said they were ‘on it’. I left the front room, and no more than two minutes later I came back to find a front room that had the freshly burgled look, with no sign of human life anywhere! Upon investigation, I went upstairs to find two children holding a pillowcase, claiming to be putting it on the pillow. Seriously you need four hands to put a tiny pillow together? At this I was now ‘officially’ cranky, and frog marched them downstairs, and left them to it. Upon coming back, the front room was gleaming, nope just kidding, it looked worse than when we first started. I announced not only was I cranky, but also upset, which upset one child who said they were doing their best. Okay so that’s one child’s day ruined; after helping clean up their mess we left for the party.

Upon arrival, my kids took one look at the mountain of food and claimed emaciation, and they were given a small snack bowl to keep them going. I personally witnessed this refilled twice, with Captain Chaos filling cocktail sticks with as many desserts as he could stab with the stick! Following their snack they went into the garden, whilst guests arrived, and one came in with some old medicine packets, that the kids had dug up! Seriously why could you not find gold treasure under the ground, why old packets? After asking them to go easy on Daddy, they claimed to have found a decomposing bird, so I put a stop to ‘Treasure Trove Terry’, and claimed any more treasure found, and no sweets until they were forty.

Okay, so I could relax now and kick back as the party was now in full swing. All the guests said to relax and why was I so on edge, oh you know . . . “oh Dorset Dad, one of your children is screaming they are on top of the swings, and cannot get down.” I rest my case people, disaster never seems to be very far, and as I got outside there was one child at the top of the swings clinging to dear life. I did ask that maybe, just maybe they could sit on the swing, and not on the top of metal bars. I had fits of laughter as I came back, and was not sure why, until it was revealed that my other child was now repairing the freshly laid patio with a stick.

The party had started to end, so we said goodbyes and left, before I had to ring my credit card company and ask for an extension on my policy, to pay for a new patio. Surely the half term gets easier diary, it will won’t it? Night, night diary.

Sunday 21st October

Go on diary, ask, how did it go Dorset Dad? Well not good, I should have guessed when Captain Chaos came out of his pit, thundered down the stairs like a wrecking ball, and opened the door so fast, it crashed into the wall like a cowboy at a saloon bar, in readiness for a fight. What followed was many, many hours of arguments and stress, cumulating in my wife agreeing to tie dye with the kids. Seriously we have had punch ups that we could have charged ring side seats for, and you want to use dyes that stain? This ended with raised voices, and the kids emptying their wardrobe to find more clothes to tie dye. I have a feeling by Monday we will have two kids dressed for many days, looking like they time travelled from the 1970’s, from a music festival and arrived in present day.

As the arguments carried on, my wife lovingly prepared Sunday roast, spending a lot of time putting her heart and soul into the meal, until Captain Chaos sat down and asked “what is this?” Normally you know son I would back you up, but I’m afraid after stress levels just rose to a new high, you’re on your own!

Now I know what your thinking, you put two kids to bed, relaxed and everything was okay? Nope, the tumble dryer packed up. Well when I say packed up, I should say it stopped mid cycle, we opened the door thinking it was done to find our clothes near cremated, enough steam came out the door to start a sauna, and it now fails to keep going. Wait, wait, wait Dorset Dad it got better though didn’t it. No, it didn’t, then the plug socket packed up on the wall. Now it got better right? Yes of course, we all went to bed. Night, night diary.