Dorset Dad Diary – Part II

October Half Term

Monday 22nd October

I woke up super early today as I’m at the doctors, and no sooner had I arrived downstairs, than my little girl popped down and placed her order for the cafe I was about to run. Having served my little girl her hearts desire, I headed to the doctors, and shot back to hear arguments from outside the door. I did wonder if I should wave a white flag as I entered, but upon my wife threatening to cancel the cinema with friends, everything remained calm.

We picked up one of my little girls friends, and excitement reached fever pitch, with many shouts and screaming; at one point my little girl shouting captain Chaos had kicked her in the head. Impressive son, whilst strapped into your car seat you managed to bend your feet like rubber bands and boot your sister. After referring, we headed to the cinema where I bought enough sweets to start a government review on sugar. We all sat in our seats as the film started, about someone monster who was scared of humans, yes people two hours of my life that I’m never getting back. What was entertaining was the 4D cinema experience, where captain Chaos jumped up and down on the seats, shaking an entire row violently. We did ask him to calm down, along with the other thirty odd people in our row, and left sharply before the lights came up at the end.

We headed onto the pizza restaurant afterwards as promised, and had a jug of tap water delivered as my wife brought out enough coupon codes to break the restaurant financially. At one point I’m sure I saw the waitress weep with the number of coupons we had. I was weeping too, but for a very different reason. All three kids were scooping their ice cubes out and handling them, trouble was our table now looked like a ship wreck and with the water pouring over the table.

I was worried I would stand up with a damp patch in my trousers, looking like I had wet myself.

My wife paid, and when I saw how much we paid for all the food, I felt super guilty and left a generous tip, especially as the restaurant just made the biggest financial loss in its operating history. I decided to drive home, thinking I would not have to referee any arguments in my beautiful car. I was going sedately down the road, when it was announced captain Chaos was chewing sweets and spitting them out over the car. Suddenly I went from sedate to race car mode, and threatening no treats, or going out until he was in retirement age, unless my car was spotless. This worked until ‘Mr Rubber Band Feet’ manage to kick his sister, who produced more water from her eyes than the ice cube incident.

As we arrived home, I held a large coffee and rocked backwards and forwards until bedtime where the kids announced they had a great time, and when are we doing it again. Again!? I need counselling just to get over today, let’s give it at least a few years people, after all thirty cinema goers are still looking for our blood, and the restaurant staff are probably busking as we speak.

Never mind diary, tomorrow’s a lazy day nothing can go wrong, trust me, nothing. Oh and we are tumble dryer shopping on the Internet, I have my excited face all ready diary. Night, night, see you tomorrow.

Tuesday 23rd October

Oh diary what a day, you will never believe it. Just kidding diary, today was calm, serene, peaceful and bliss. We all drove for an hour to take Captain Chaos winter coat back, as apparently it failed his rigorous stress testing and fell to bits. Even the clothes shop staff where shocked, and claimed they had never seen this before. Sorry ‘Sweetie Pie’, but just how do you test kids clothes, apparently Captain Chaos had not put any effort into the coat and it fell to bits! The kick in the teeth was that after a couple of weeks, they no longer sell that coat, but we could buy another for ten pounds more. Charming, the coat was clearly faulty yet we have to pay the extra. To put everyone back in a good mood, as the day was going so well, I offered to get coffee, and cakes for the kids.

Having arrived at the coffee shop I chose my coffee, and in the end paid and held my coffees while the kids spent ten minutes choosing a sweet. Having watched my burning hot coffee turn stone cold, we headed back home, where the kids raided the recycling and built some impressive items. Not to be outdone I built a Lego plane with working lights that turn on and off, and handed it over to show them whose the boss. Apparently my kids were the boss, as the took one look and said it was okay. Okay!? Just okay!? This was at the cutting edge of technological advancements bordering on prize nomination, and apparently it was ‘okay’.

Having finished dinner, no arguments were heard, and I single handedly managed to fix the tumble dryer, yes people I am single handedly powering all the lights in the house, as the sun is shining brightly out of my bottom tonight. Night, night diary.