Dorset Dad Diary – Part V

October Half Term

Friday 26th October

I was awoken this morning to a slime fight of all things, although I could not complain, as it was past eight am, so apart from slime on the hotel walls, it was a successful alarm clock. We were heading into a very big town today with my mum, so I said we would head in by train, and save the stress. In my generation we are always told to save money by using the Internet, and how much you can save in train fares by using an app. The Internet app said the cheapest train tickets were £18, but something in me said try the train station, which when I arrived said £13, thank you very much, I took the tickets and rushed to the waiting train.

As it was near lunchtime we headed to a famous burger chain where we queued and picked the children’s meals from the menu board, and of course which cheap toy they wanted, and my kids both built up excitement at their toy. We ordered our meals, to which my mum said she only wanted a cheese burger. The assistant announced “if you order chips and a drink it’s called a meal.” No sorry Sweetie Pie, when my mum wraps her hands around the burger on its own, she calls it a meal, no need for the unwanted chips or drink. We then ordered the kids meals to be told the toys were not available, but we could have a toy rabbit with a flip flop that goes to it’s ear for a phone! What sick and twisted world are we in, when a rabbit holding a flip flop is considered a great toy. Both my kids had sad faces and said they would give the toy away, and in their eyes, Daddy had let them down after promising them a toy from the board.

Sorry people, I swear it was bigger in this day!

I was personally starving and ordered a double burger with bacon, chips and a coffee, and licked my lips ready for the meat sweats, with my double portion burger. When I sat down I pushed my chips aside to see a folded wax napkin, with a ‘little bulge’, and upon unwrapping I found my burger. Comments around the table were that it was bigger in our days as a child. No sorry people, I swear it was bigger in this day! I just paid almost five whole pounds for a burger that even a hamster would look at as ‘snack time.’ I wrapped my two fingers around the bap, I would say hands but it was too small and took a bite, and I have to say, after a couple of bites I finished it and opened the chips. Are you kidding me, there could not have been more than a large potato and I was now starving. I washed the meal down with the coffee, which I think was sold as an alternative to brake fluid cleaner. I was told the coffee beans were ground fresh, I am sure they were, but fresh from which year, as I am sure it was not this year!

We headed back to my sisters for dinner, and it’s funny I miss my sister so much, not that I would tell her, but loved spending time with her. As I don’t see her that often, a few hours felt like a few minutes, and after both my kids finished dinner, they both started yawning, so we headed back to the hotel for the final night.

We got the kids ready for bed when my wife, ever on comedy patrol said “what way do I go if there is a fire?” Funny, but most people have a positive outlook on life, but here was ‘Firefighter Freddie’ studying the hotel door for a fire exit. Did my wife know something I don’t know? If you’re reading this blog, then we made it through the night, but I did say to my wife, follow the Dorset Dad, because I would be the first out of the door following the fire exits.

We ended the night reading stories with full tummies, and big smiles. Sorry people but I have the best family in the world. Night, night diary.

Saturday 27th October

Four am, yes people four am, I was awoken by my wife and little girl to tell me my little girls tablet was not working. Funny that, I’m not working at four am either, but upon getting the look from my wife who was not best pleased I cracked on. It was eight am before I cracked the case, and by that time everyone was up saying how refreshed they were! I showered and changed and headed to the local supermarket for a walk, before returning to the hotel to see a hotel room that looked like a rock and roll band from the seventies had had a punch up.

Having packed up the room and straightened it, we handed back the hotel key, and opened my car doors where a sea of rubbish and toys flowed out into the car park. When I packed Captain Chaos into the car, his legs were between so many toys and bags, his legs were now in different post codes. We arrived at my sisters and spent a great time with her, my mum and my nephew, where time passed so fast. They say time is precious, and they were not kidding, although keep it quiet people, we’re going back in a few weeks for a secret birthday party.

We headed onto the motorway for home, and after two hours I pulled into the services low on fuel, no sorry not for the car, but me, I needed caffeine in a cup. My wife took over, and I relaxed into the passenger seat, ready to close my eyes, when my wife suddenly started ranting and raving about a driver beside us fast asleep. I was worried we were going to be on the headlines upside down in a hedge, so I looked out of the window, almost spraying coffee over the dash, to see the car had foreign plates and was left hand drive. Here in the United Kingdom we drive on the right hand side, so yes the person was asleep, but they were not the driver. Funny, but after that I could not relax, especially as the kids were having another punch up, this time over some cards.

At the moment the latest craze is to collect special cards and swap them, trouble was, one was swapped but it was not meant to be swapped, so an almost ‘pay per view’ fight broke out in the rear. Fearing blood was about to be spilt I offered food to the chimps in the rear and it calmed the situation down. Probably not the best parenting method I know, what can I say I never said I was a perfect parent, I’m just choosing my fights.

Peace resumed in the rear until we got home and cooked mountains of pizzas and dessert, and all floated to bed, where I refuse to see four pigging am.

Night, night diary