This week it’s half term, so I thought I would let you in on my secret diary. Have a peek at a week in the life of the Dorset Dad.
Monday the 24th of Forever
Dear Diary, today I woke up with the usual hope and optimism, which did not leave the building a few minutes after I opened my eyes. In fact, dare I say it, things were calm and serene and both kids were playing together, yes I did say playing together. Usually this is like putting a lamb inside a lion cage, stepping back and saying “Go and play nicely.” As a general rule, both kids will come back holding broken furniture, both crying and claiming the other person did it!
My wife announced she was going out with the kids for a few hours this morning, and as the door shut I almost heard the house breathe that sigh of relief that only happens at bedtime when both kids are asleep and the house goes quiet after a stressful day. I had a really relaxing time, and felt like a new man with renewed energy, until the front door swung open and crashed into the side of the house like a gun fight at a western saloon bar. No sooner had two kids hoovered the contents of the fridge for lunch, than my wife announced she had to go to the supermarket for a “…few essential items!” Diary, you and I both know this means she will be gone for a minimum of two hours, and it’s raining, so this means we are all locked inside brick walls like a maximum security prison.
The afternoon was long, with myself playing card games with both kids who were cheating like professionals and interspersing this with random punch-ups. By the time my wife came back, I had to ask for ID as I was not sure who the stranger was! She came back with goodies though, so I let the strange lady in.
Following dinner we had bedtime, which was not going very well as Captain Chaos was refusing to do a wee. He then managed to produce a wee that could have powered a watermill for a small town. Captain Chaos then washed his hands with more soap than a department store, and consumed enough water to ensure that the local water company, who are currently camped outside our house investigating a massive water leak, stay put, mystified over the amount of water our house is using. After all, its mandatory to use around 100 litres of water to wash our hands after the loo, oh and our clothes, our shoes, the bathroom floor, the bathroom towels, and then leave the tap running until someone finds it. Makes me laugh as someone usually shouts at the top of the stairs “Someone’s left the tap on, shall I turn it off?” No, no, leave it running I am just watching the tide going out as we speak!
Bedtime pyjamas on, and onto a stand-off over how long bedtime should be extended by, as its the holidays. I am thinking diary I should go on a hostage negotiation course, as I lost, and as I write this my precious diary, my eye lids are taking very long blinks, my wife is still upstairs covering security patrol, and my little girl is on the sofa watching cartoons. Please tell me things get better my dear Diary. Ok diary, if you cannot give me optimism then just go for bare face lies, I am ok with that tonight.
Night, night Diary.
Tuesday the 25th of Forever
Dear Diary I am loving the lie ins, and my body definitely agrees with them. During the morning both kids played well together, and were super quiet. I think my kids have been cloned and an alien life-form is going through hell right now. Both kids should be back tonight, and the clones can go back, they were not as exciting as my kids. Lunch time was the usual monkeys tea party with my son deciding he did not like the flooring, so was covering it with sandwiches, cake and crisps, which made a much better flooring.
My wife announced she was going out again, and could I look after the kids. Diary, we both know that the minute the door closes, the first punch-ups begin, and no sooner had the key turned in the lock the first fight began, and tears started rolling. I got myself into more trouble by bribing my son down with chocolate, and television, then my little girl was upset because where was her chocolate? This parenting thing is much harder that it looks Diary, and as I speak the kids are beating seven bells out of the saucepans, but as they are upstairs and happy I am prepared to admit defeat and am downstairs with a white flag and coffee!
Dinner was more like a worldwide negotiation shown on the news, with how many bites do I really need to eat, and followed up with encouraging words that show how good my cooking is, like “What is it?”
Bath time should have been a subdued affair, but as I was washing my son’s hair, he announced he had lost his miniature toy dogs which are around 1.5cm in length by 1cm tall. As you can imagine I was going through the bathwater for ages! It was not until much later that my son remembered he had posted them in the soap dispenser bottle. Apart from my knees feeling like they had been through ten rounds of fighting, and fingers wading through objects medical science would love to see, I was now onto how do you get the dogs back out. One pair of precision pliers later, the dogs were safe and ready for bed, trouble is Diary, so was I.
Night, night Diary, sleep tight, we are on a long car journey tomorrow!