Dorset Dad’s Diary Part 2

Wednesday the 26th of Forever

Today Diary, we drove to see Nanny and as it takes three hours, we were prepared with more snacks and drinks than our local supermarket! No sooner had the handbrake gone down, and I started to pull away both of my kids started to claim that they were emaciated, and the light was fading. My wife had packed an entire pack of iced biscuit rings. The moment the lid came off the biscuit tin, the kids were dribbling over the back-seat with more slobber than a bull mastiff dog. My wife reinforced “Just take two!” and pushed the box to the back of the car, whilst she made a comment that Captain Chaos was smiling. What followed was like the arcade game with a crane that you manoeuvre down, and just grab as many toys and sweets as you can. My son grabbed as many as his hands could manage, and gave the tin back. By the time my little girl had her fair share, as Captain Chaos had has too many, the tin came back looking like a plague of locusts had come to town.

Around an hour into the journey my little girl kept on repeating like a pirate’s parrot every few minutes “Are we nearly at the services?” After twenty minutes I was ready to rock in my seat and burble. Thirty minutes later I was a burbling wreck but I saw the services coming up so duly announced to the parrot in the back we are nearly there when she came out with a statement that left me speechless. My little girl announced “Oh that’s good, it’s tiring in the back.” Sorry my little blue feathered parrot, I am currently driving and avoiding the drivers trying to play dodgems with us, whilst Mummy is feeding food and drink faster that the feeding of the 5,000, sorry for the inconvenience your Highness.

I would love to say I got out of the car gracefully, but my legs had gone to sleep, so I almost planted my face on the tarmac. I got the coffees to go, whilst my wife got the kids a comic. In reality what happens is that the piece of paper on the rack with the cheapest toy designed on a Friday on the back of a cigarette packet, and built on a Saturday is chosen, and the comic is dumped on the floor, and the toy will be broken by the time we exit the services, and repaired by me for weeks with my endless supply of super-glue and sellotape.

As we started the second half of the journey, Captain Chaos announced he had a sore throat, and what could we do, as it was so bad. At this point I was wondering if we had enough of the pink wonder drug that makes children magically well again, when my wife announced I have some bacon crisps. I was scratching my heard ready to ask “Did you hear what he said?” when he replied “Thank you Mummy, that will make it much better!” Sorry what just happened? I don’t understand the healing properties of bacon crisps. Maybe I should have paid more attention during my first aid course, because I swear bacon crisps were not mentioned.

During the afternoon the kids had a great time with my mum, and after playing the kids came in virtually on all fours, panting like an Olympian whilst Nanny waltzed in grinning and not out of breath at all! Ok, now that’s a mum with years of experience, and it proved I have a lot to learn, because either I am totally unfit, or my mum knew a secret. As we settled down for the evening meal, my mum’s legendary sausage rolls came out, and Captain Chaos kept on picking one up and examining it, and then putting it down. In fact the sausage roll was handled so much that medical science would love to have had a pop at it first. When they were handed round I made sure Captain Chaos got his bacteria laden specimen first, and only then could I rest easy.

As the lights went down, we set off for home, and around two hours in the kids fell asleep until my son woke up screaming louder than a world war nine siren and promptly woke up the entire Dorset county. We screeched up to our driveway like a scene from an 80’s action series mounting the drive like a stuntman and got them both into bed, after all my little girl has had a tiring day in the back watching the world go by. Her Highness will need her beauty sleep for tomorrow. Night, night, Diary.

Thursday the 28th of Forever

As we woke up today, Diary, we quickly realised Captain Chaos swimming lesson started very soon. In fact so soon we showered and dressed in record time, and I went downstairs to dress Captain Chaos. My son was on comedy patrol and announced “I don’t feel like wearing that top today.” Sorry son, can we discuss this later, but he reaffirmed “Daddy, I really don’t want to wear this today!” I then came up with an argument no-one challenges! “Mummy will start to get cranky!” at which point he volunteered to put the top on. As my wife tells me I may wear the trousers, but she is the belt that holds them up. As I unlocked the car in the cold light of day it looked like someone had held a music festival in the back of the car, and left in a hurry. I belted the kids in, and we flew down the road like a fighter jet.

At the swimming lesson you could easily spot my son, as he was the one who had secretly pinched a rubber duck from the instructor, but we were behind what looked like bullet proof glass, so we only watched in horror, as he filled it with water ready to squirt his swimming instructor. Fortunately Tea Leaf Tom got busted, so we just hung our heads in shame, and left swimming rapidly. In fact if you see the swimming pool car park with tire trails that was not teenagers last night racing in the car park, it was a beat up people carrier with shamed parents in the front.

Bedtime was the usual bungee rope affair, where we put the kids to bed, and they come back down with a raft of excuses as to why it is perilous to stay in bed. Who would have thought going to bed could be so dangerous? Oh well Diary, the moon is out, and my body is yawning, so I am going to take my chances in bed. Night, night Diary, talk tomorrow.