Holiday Mark IV – Smell This Daddy

After yesterday’s rant about a lie in, my kids must have heard me as 7.30am was a peaceful affair and the birds woke us up. This was short lived however, and by 7.35am I was on my hands and knees muttering half dressed looking for missing Lego. I did ask my son whether he was sure it was in the bedroom to which he horrified me by announcing it was a small fire extinguisher and was last seen last night somewhere in the house. That’s good son, for a second there I was panicking you had no idea, but here I am on all fours with the prospect of being here for at least another few days at least!

Lego found, two breakfasts and a picnic later we were off for the day and arrived at an ancient castle where sheets were given, and you had to find clues. I am sure many children had been round but upon reaching the first clue on a mini chalkboard, I turned around to find my son handing me the different bits of the chalkboard. We quickly pieced it together and moved on into the castle itself where Captain Breakages wandered round like a reformed child, well that was until he saw the light switch and turned the ancient castle into a nightclub by turning the lights on and off to a whole new beat.

As we headed for home after a full day my wife volunteered to drive, and I relaxed in the passenger seat to the smell of rotting cheese, which was emanating from a lone sock on my seat. I turned around to look at Captain Destruction. The moment he saw me he brought on the tears will all the soap star acting skills he could muster. I truly believed his feet were cold, so I contorted myself into some strange shape, had the seat belt digging in, reached the sock and put it in his hands. The moment I sat back to greet my airways again, he threw it over my head, and the second sock followed. I realised he just wanted me to smell them, and decided that two socks thrown at Daddy was much better than one!

As we sat at the dinner table I did wonder if I could make my fortune by inventing a chair you can strap your child to, so they could not get down from the table at will. My son had a new excuse for getting down each time, and we were loosing the will to live. Tell me it’s not just me that’s counts down to bed time? As we got to dessert we asked my son if he would like some cake. He wasn’t sure if he would like it, so we offered him a small nibble to try. Boy did that not go down well! He made it known very clearly that this was an infringement on his rights and demanded a “big bit” and was not backing down. Big bit given, we served the other family members their cake. My kids inhaled their cake and were chomping at the bit to get down. The question was asked every few seconds “Is Daddy done yet?” As I felt guilty to holding him up I agreed to play hide and seek, and started counting. I hadn’t yet covered my eyes when I was informed that it was cheating! Sorry son, clearly not moving my hands quick enough. I found my son really easily, well it was not difficult as I got to the stairs and entered his bedroom, and he announced “Ok you found me,” My turn and I forgot I am not as agile as I used to be. I got under the bed, which was the easy part, but felt like a baby still in the womb, and emerged with severe cramp!

My wife announced it was bedtime, and my little girl asked me to mark her new toys she had received today with a permanent marker. I explained that I had many things in my emergency toolkit, but no breakdown service has ever recommended a permanent marker so I had to let my little girl down. Now my little girl was upset and claiming her brother would pinch her toy. I said she could put it in my bedside cabinet. She just looked at me and said “Daddy I know what will happen, you will forget!” Whoa tiger, I am forty one, not four hundred and one, and I will remember, as Daddy is not in the habit of stashing toys and forgetting it.

I sat down at the end of the day, recounting how the day went, and realised through all of the tantrums and pain, I survived! Ok, I am a cheating forgetful dinosaur who is rubbish at finding Lego, but I had survived. Alright, take that ‘survived’ back, my son is now at the bottom of the stairs grinning at me. I’m wondering if I could borrow a sheep dog to herd him back to bed? So back again and I today am claiming victory, oh yes I’m . . . I don’t believe it, totally unbelievable!! As I write this I have two kids standing by me with my little girl, who was asleep, claiming her brother woke her up! Right, stair gate it is son! One stair gate fitted so tight you could use it to build an extension to the house, so now surely I must be able to claim victory . . . . Ok now my son is shouting downstairs he wants a cuddle. That’s it, I am officially claiming failure and defeat, permission to sob in the corner!