Holiday Mark IV – Wakey, Wakey Daddy!

7am and the first I knew about today was two kids jumping into our bed and Daddy being pushed almost out. No problems, I’ve been in worse situations, I’m a man I can handle it. Then a dog wanders in and touches his wet nose on my face. I’m not a bad man so what is wrong? I’m doing my bit honest, so I was hoping things would get better until the kids jumped on the bed and produced a whistle. Ok, I confess I was thinking very nasty thoughts about the whistle, and things did not get better when Captain Musical decided to give the entire village his musical repertoire. As we arrived downstairs for breakfast my son was given toast, which he loves, to be rejected and said he wanted bread from the yellow bag! So brown bread in the toaster and back again to be rejected and told no the yellow bag. After protesting it was the yellow bag we worked out he wanted untoasted bread. No sooner had I sat down than two whistles appeared again, and it got me thinking, why do the noisiest toys last the longest? Normal toys are usually broken within the hour and the dad first aid kit comes out with superglue, screwdrivers, sellotape, elastic bands and cable ties.

I was still thinking nasty thoughts about the whistle as I got showered and changed ready for the day. I put on some aftershave, to which my little girl commented “You smell nice, Daddy, I want to be near you now.” So the conclusion I drew was that I usually smell so bad that the kids do not want to be near me! Thanks kids, Daddy feels much better now.

We decided to visit a huge museum where there were queues to get into the entrance so good things were expected. I did briefly chuckle however, when I saw they were selling UK road maps at the door. Sorry guys, most of us just spent an hour of our lives we will never get back with kids screaming “Are we there yet?” so I’m fairly sure if we can get there we can get home. Little did I realise this was the start of many money spinning tricks, the fact you had to pay for the car park, then buy a road map which had a warning sign stating cctv was watching you, and I can only imagine road maps were like gold dust. When I got to the till I thought the lady was joking when she said £70 pounds. Seriously princess, I have seen people mugged for less and now you want £70 hard earned pounds.

I paid up whilst holding the railing for support as I felt so weak, whilst I put my card back in my pocket and recovered from the shock. My son then announced he was on the verge of wetting himself. I took him to a nearby toilet which when I opened the door I almost smashed the walls of a cubicle I last saw in my little girl’s doll house. After helping my son I was now so desperate I could not think straight, so could not ask my son to wait outside otherwise he would be miles away so asked him to stand behind me. Imagine my horror when in mid cycle a face appeared around to watch me! To say I was uncomfortable was an understatement! As we entered the museum, to my horror each section of it had chargeable bits like making things, so forgive me if I felt grumpy!

It was no surprise that they had their own bank, so we changed up some money. It then began to burn a hole in my kids pocket. They were so desperate to spend it that I found my little girl quizzing a lady on carbolic soap! Each shop had its own problem with spending money and we turned the corner to find a sweet shop and an ice cream shop. Seriously guys, we have not made it past the entrance and you are cleaning out my bank account! As we joined the queues for the sweet shop the kids were all getting fed up and I could feel parents blood pressure rising until one dad pointed to the tall jars of sweets and said “How many are there?” To that dad he was a hero in every parents eyes, and kept even the children who could not count entertained.

A mug, sorry I meant volunteer, was needed to hike back to the car and collect the picnic from the cars, so I kindly volunteered and between you and me it was peace and quiet for ten minutes. By the time I got back, everyone had gone to see a side attraction so I stayed with my in-laws and grabbed hot drinks. As everything was chargeable I did not expect cheap drinks and handed over a credit card to mortgage, sorry pay for my drinks. What followed next rocked me to the core when the server informed me that everything was behind me. Hang on a minute tiger, you mean I just paid to do my own drinks from a machine that would not look out of place in a filthy car park? I made my own drinks and when I got to a cappuccino there was no chocolate, so my server said he would be back but I should have pinned him down for a time as I lost the will to live when I saw him again and asked how the chocolate was coming. “Oh sorry I forgot.” was his answer. Ok, would you like me to get it myself as you only seem to be interested in money, and I was too scared to ask for food in case I was given a saucepan and apron.

As we wound down for the day my kids still had money to spend and I was dragged into a random shop to spend it. Not sure they cared what it was, but as it turned out it was a stationery shop, and I helped out with the specialist currency which made no sense that you almost needed a tour guide to help with the conversion. My little girl said to me “Daddy, what can I have?” to which I answered “Honestly my little bundle of love, I have no idea!” My kind mother-in-law saved my bacon again.

I personally think the litmus test for any successful family trip is if the kids sleep. Captain Ice Cream was catching flies, and my little girl was drawing our new sat-nav. I think a successful trip all round! Clever Daddy!!