I think I have said this before, but dinner time is like feeding time at the zoo, with me just throwing food at the chimps. Tonight I decided to cook a different dinner and knew whatever it was as long as it had cheese and garlic bread, it would be a winner. I could honestly have served leftovers from all the food bins in the street and it would have been fine with cheese and garlic bread, but both ingredients together blew their minds tonight.
Normally garlic bread is eaten first with the kids consuming vast amounts before even a knife or fork is picked up. When I shouted “Dinner time!” the kids came running like Olympians, and were sitting bolt upright like meerkats. I opened the oven door and watched as smiles turned upside down and the grim words were echoed by both kids, “Whatever that is I don’t like it!” Whoa there my little food critics, before you say anything it’s orange cheese on the top of garlic bread. This made little difference and they announced they still did not like the bread and I could eat it on my own, to which I was doing cartwheels in the kitchen and shouting “Whoop, whoop!” all in my mind of course, as at my age I would end up in accident and emergency performing those sort of stunts. All of my excitement came crashing around my ankles when my wife came in and said “It’s only melted cheese.” Suddenly the world and their wife wanted a piece. Hang on I said it was cheese, so how come ‘melted cheese’ makes all the difference?
As we started to tuck into dinner, Captain Chaos asked the question “How do bees poo?” Suddenly my hunger nosedived as images of poo dropping from bees everywhere entered my mind. We managed to gloss over it, or at least so I thought until my little girl announced “Did you know flies are attracted to poo?” Just what are they teaching at primary school these days? I know education has vastly improved, and they probably know more than me these days, but why are they discussing poo? I had gone off of dinner at this point, and politely asked if bee and fly poo could hang on till later, then I realised it was all a ploy to get more garlic bread. In fact as we put them to bed I am convinced if anyone decided to burgle our house tonight, they would pass out at the top of the stairs overcome with garlic fumes.
I helped shuffle the kids upstairs like sheep as my son is particularly crafty and always finds something he just needs to get, then twenty minutes later you go downstairs to find him playing. Tonight I was like a sheep dog on a mission, and there were to be no escapees, not on my watch! As I got to the top of the stairs, I saw a sight which ruined every romantic evening I would ever have with my wife, and one that will as my future counsellor and therapist will testify after our first appointment scar me for life! There before me was my wife sniffing a pair of my sons under crackers, and for sheer entertainment I asked “What are you doing?” I’m sniffing them to tell if they are used or fresh? I screamed like a teenager at a pop concert again, screaming “What?!” My wife very calmly announced that it was ok as it wasn’t the crotch. Well that’s tonight romantic evening just sailed past the window and if anyone needs me tonight, I’m currently googling therapists and counsellors. Oh, and when I’m finished I’m googling how do bees poo because poo in our home is infectious as even I’m curious how bees poo now!
As I finish this blog it’s 8.15 at night and my washing sniffer is playing the piano with headphones on so I could get shot in the front room and no one would ever know, and upstairs my kids are re-enacting a future battle scene, but upon shouting upstairs “Are you all in your own rooms?” they assure me they are, despite heavy footsteps like elephants have moved in. I think all of the talk about poo has ruined our brain cells as my kids are now thinking I was born yesterday. Now to google how bees poo?