I Don’t Like Spicy Chicken Daddy

Everyone has a little luxury, you know that little something that brightens your day. Mine? Well that’s good coffee, freshly ground little granules of heaven. This lunchtime we were sitting in church and I was dreaming of fresh coffee hugging blue top milk, and a very crispy bacon sandwich with runny egg in doorstop fresh bread. Okay, who’s with me? Well the moment we got out of church we shot to our local food store, and I told everyone to stay in the car, I will be the hunter gatherer, beat my chest and arrive back with food. Now we always have eggs, so I got a fresh loaf, bacon and some chicken goujons for the kids as I know they love them. This was to be lunch fit for kings and queens, and I was going to impress the kids.

As I sat in the car my wife said “Oh by the way, we have no eggs, I used the last yesterday.” Slowly my lunch dream was leaving the building, but don’t worry people, it will speed up and leave the building faster than you think. “Oh well,” I thought “No eggs, we can still make this work.” I rushed into the kitchen, washed and wiped up while the oven heated and made that fresh coffee. Now remember, this was not your instant floor scraping coffee with green top, but blue top milk and fresh coffee drenched in sunshine and flavour.

I served lunch. Captain Chaos arrived and announced “I want a snack”. Thank you for that statement, but lunch is all ready, up the table please. Captain Chaos had a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp and asked again for a snack, as he was not ready for lunch. I do apologise, your humble servant has tried to please you, sit up the table and prepare yourself for a lunch fit for royalty. I pulled out the fresh loaf looking at his face, then the chicken goujons and still he looked like he was sucking on a lemon. Meantime my wife asked “Would you like me to bring over your coffee?” I will never allow her to do so in the future because when she arrived the coffee cup was considerably lacking in coffee, and she said “Oh I could not carry it all over, in case I spilt it, so I tipped some down the sink!” What?! How many times do you think servants have served half filled champagne flutes to the Queen and said “Sorry your Majesty, I could not carry it all over so I poured half your expensive vintage champagne down the sink.” My lunch was going down the toilet faster than ever now, and accelerating!

It’s okay, here you go family, chicken goujons with a very crispy outer, to which Captain Chaos took one bite and announced they were too spicy! Oh well, let’s recap, the family scoffed the eggs yesterday, my good coffee I have been dreaming off was tipped down the sink, and the chicken was too spicy. I did examine the packaging, and the chicken was strips of chicken in breadcrumbs, not a spice to be found anywhere. I was so down beat that I sipped my half cup of coffee and nibbled the bread while my wife asked what Captain Chaos did in Sunday School. “Oh you know Mummy, all about baptism where you fill up a container with vinegar, put a little salt in it, and then pop a 2p coin in it.” Sorry son, were you in the right class, or was there a DIY science experiment going on, because I have never seen anyone baptised in vinegar and a 2p coin with a sprinkling of salt. My wife suddenly realised what had gone on and I saw the funny side when she explained. It was funny as he had clearly been looking out of the window when they explained what the science experiment was truly about. Never the less if Captain Chaos ever becomes a pastor or a vicar and asks anyone for a baptism you have my permission to refuse if he whips out a 2p coin, salt and vinegar.

After dinner my wife said she needed a rest so I washed up while she rested and I saved my ‘pièce de résistance’ until now. I popped out a famous Easter chocolate egg filled with a sweet sticky goo. Surly nothing could go wrong, until a few seconds later when Captain Chaos complained the egg was too large. Sorry son, I let you down, I will phone the chocolate company and complain first thing in the morning, but let me have the unwanted chocolate and I will put it into the fridge. “Oh no Daddy I have eaten the lot, but I just wanted to tell you it was too large.” If anyone needs me this afternoon, I am under the stairs rocking backwards and forwards.

See you all next week people, bright eyed and bushy tailed. Have a fantastic week!