Recently it was Captain Chaos’ birthday and we bought him a brand new bike. Granted, it came in a million bits, with an instructions manual I mistook for cigarette wrapping paper that contained millions of pages. My wife went to have her eyes tested and left me with the kids. They proceeded to beat each other, and when she arrived back my kids announced they were emaciated and could lunch be served. My wife did point out it was not even 12 o’clock and I pointed out the many snacks I had given them to remain sane. Captain Chaos helped my wife make some soup, and said it was to be super tasty and was making the best soup ever!
Imagine my horror when lunch was served and I had a large, I say again LARGE bowl served to me only for my junior chef to say he was not having any and refused to even taste it! My little girl said thanks and even my little girl had refused it, and was having sandwiches likes Captain Chaos whilst my wife encouraged me to tuck in. Let’s just recap this princess, the chef refuses to taste it, his best friend, his dearest sister also refused it, and I have a super large helping? Imagine going into a restaurant for the chef to prepare the meal that you cannot see, only to hear the chef would not eat it, and would not even taste it! Yes, I was very hesitant, and a little panicky that this soup was worse than I thought, and how many times had he been to the loo and not washed his hands because he could not see the germs, or even cleaned the interior of his nose?
I drew my spoon slowly waiting for my wife to take the first taste, just reading that back it sounds like I am more of a mouse than man, so forgive me if I squeak for a few paragraphs. As my wife tasted the soup she did not keel over, or start pulling weird facial expressions so I took my life in my own hands and risked it. As it turns out the soup was good, and my wife announced after lunch we would be taking the kids for a bike ride. What?!! Had that time of year really come about so soon? We finished up lunch, and I adjusted the bike stabilisers and saddles, and hunted out the helmets. Two bikes were put past my car gingerly! As my little girl mounted her bike and we realised it was way too small. It became very obvious when she had her knees round her ears and if she peddled any faster would give herself burns on her knees and ears!
As we got further down the road Captain Chaos shot past my little girl like she was standing still, and slammed the brakes on. I did wonder if I would be seeing the brakes light up red hot, as he was intent on braking the sound barrier on his bicycle, and what was worrying was that this was his first time on the bicycle! We did not get very far until he realised he could run faster, so I ended up carrying the bicycle home, whilst he ran in the helmet.
The moment we got home, the kids announced they were dying of thirst so I made drinks and came back into the living room to my wife playing her electric piano, wearing two different sets of headphones and watching a mobile phone whilst playing. Now I was fairly sure she could multitask, but now she was taking the mickey. In the interest of sanity I waved at my wife and she stopped playing and asked what was wrong. I asked why she had two different sets of headphones on and she simply said “I am listening to a song on my phone, and listening to myself playing along to it on the piano.” I was not sure what to say to this so I simply handed her a drink and said “Away you go, tiger.” The kids carried on killing each other so I went into the conservatory and sat among the mess pretending I was the king of the castle and had a perfectly quiet hour.
After a perfectly quiet hour I decided to have a bath, and if it was not bad enough stabbing my feet in the dark with Lego, I had to avoid the toys on the floor, and avoid a submarine! Now how many people can say they avoided a submarine in the bathroom! I sat in the bath and realised I probably had twenty minutes top end before someone wanted to the loo, or decided to empty half their body weight so I made the most of it and washed away hours of stress.
Bedtime could not come quickly enough and I checked the floor for Lego before the lights went out and I stabbed my feet yet again during the night. In fact I give it a few more nights and if you check my feet I will have a Lego imprint on my feet. Night Night Dorset Dad, tomorrow is a new day!