I Need It Daddy

A few nights ago I put Captain Chaos and my little girl to bed, kissed them goodnight, only to hear my wife giving Captain Chaos piano lessons, and by now it was virtually my bedtime. I trotted downstairs to ask which one of them had lost their grip on reality, for my wife to look and announce he had entered himself into a talent show, playing my wife’s guitar. I did point out that ‘One Man Band Bob’ could not play a note, and my wife said that was the problem, as the talent show was in a few days. Captain Chaos then agreed to have a quick tutorial, and he would ‘wing it’ on the piano. I pinched myself, to check I was alive and not dreaming, and my wife said his piano skills were, how can I put it, suspect at best. Before the piano got thrown out of the window, I wrote a quick poem about life at school, and Captain Chaos agreed it was better than his one man band system.

The next evening I realised new technology does not always mean better. Take digital music, in my book this was a big mistake, and we need to go back to tapes and vinyl. Hear me out before you start shouting at your screen. We have a smart speaker in our house, and tonight at dinner the kids took it in turns to play the same song over, and over, and over again. I begged with the kids to stop, but no we had to play the song over, and over again. Back in the days of tapes it would have stretched by now, and broke. Now we have digital music it plays over and over again, without wearing out. By bedtime I was ready to throw the speaker out of the window, and I promptly edited by usual play list to remove the said song. If the musical artist wonders why her royalty fees for an old song are through the roof, then you can thank my kids. Music industry please can you invent digital music that wears out, please?

Considering it was only a year ago he ripped the indicators off my wife’s car, they may also still be in his room as well.

Saturday morning arrived, and Captain Chaos requested pancakes after seeing them on television the previous night. My wife duly got up and started creating the batter. I am guessing the first one was a trial run, as the air was filled with “Stupid pancakes!” Meantime at the breakfast table, the weapons were being handed out, with spoons now littering the kitchen floor, and a brand new bottle of golden syrup duly placed in front of the kids. I came back to see Captain Chaos with his face planted in his plate, licking the golden syrup, so I knew the pancakes would be arriving soon. I had porridge, and as I finished mine, the kids were just about finishing their pancakes, and the kitchen table had so much golden syrup, it looked like someone had carried out an engine oil change on the kitchen table. Now if that was not bad enough, I sat at a different table and my arms and hands started sticking to a seat that had not been used, so yes the devastation was bad. As if that was not bad enough, Saturday afternoon I grabbed a can of cream soda from a different cupboard, and that too was covered in golden syrup. Good grief, does this stuff multiply? I wondered if by Sunday morning it will make its way upstairs?

Sunday morning and I made myself some toast, and my biggest mistake was sitting at the breakfast table. I had forgotten the golden syrup incident, and stuck to every thing I touched, making eating my toast a very long process. Oh well, onwards and upwards we visited church, and had a great time. After church we visited a family member, and you know who you are! On trying to leave, Captain Chaos went through their shed and found a number of car number plates from their trailers. Captain Chaos was made over and asked to keep them, to which our so called loving family member said “Of course, take them home.” Oh fantastic, is it not bad enough that both of my kids are collecting junk at an alarming rate, now we have old car registration plates. If you look in Captain Chaos room now, it looks like he’s either running an illegal car chop shop, or a car spares website from his bedroom. Considering it was only a year ago he ripped the indicators off my wife’s car, they may also still be in his room as well.

I went to bed asking my wife how on earth did we add a quantity of car registration plates to our ever growing pile of ‘I need it Daddy’ material? I estimate a few more weeks and we will need a local council license, for holding a large quantity of waste. In fact I may have to keep a yellow digger just to tidy my kids rooms.

If anyone needs Dorset Dad this week, I’m the one sobbing in our recycling bin. Night, night, see you all next week, bright eyed and bushy tailed.