I’m Going To Be A Pop Star

Picture the scene in your mind – you’ve worked hard all day, you come home and put the key in the front door. You’re virtually on your knees, when you hear one of your children singing at the top of their voice wearing headphones. When I heard this racket I realised one of my children will never be attending stage school or appearing in a west end theatre. What would you do? I put my bag down and went to the furthest room in the house, and still had the singing of an angel being horribly tortured in my ear. Heaven heard my prayers, and my wife announced dinner and everyone up the table. Now to get to the seat left for myself at the table, I had to negotiate a sea of charging cables. Apparently we were charging all of our electronic devices tonight, including everyone else’s down our road. Along with every electric gadget charging there were headphone cables. I unplugged all the chargers, moved the cables, and finally sat down for dinner without strangling myself or playing cats cradle in my dinner chair.

The last time I saw her move that fast was Sports Day

Captain Chaos did try and tell us he could not stop the tablet just yet, as it was charging and it was ‘vitally important.’ I broke it to Captain Chaos gently that charging had halted ages ago, so Daddy could sit down. My wife brought over a chilli and a bowl of cheese, and said to dig in. No sooner had the bowls hit the table, than what can only be described as a twenty minute post-mortem began, with the kids picking the meal apart piece by piece. My wife was using every parent trick in the book, such as “What’s this Mummy?” “That’s meat balls all broken up, that’s all.” Smooth, my quick thinking wife! She saved her finest statement to last when the red kidney beans were found. My wife proclaimed they were just “…red baked beans!”

After dinner I needed the bathroom. I had not been in there more than two minutes when the door was pounded down, with the sound of a child needing the loo. I hurried to the door to find my little girl ready to move in with a novel of around 8,000 pages! In fact so large was the book, I was prepared to ring the builders of our house to check the weight limit on the bathroom floor! Some time later she appeared so I went back in again. No more than two minutes had past when the door was pounded down….again! By this time I was a broken man. I hurried out again to almost be knocked out with a tablet thrust in my face asking for it to be repaired. I gave up on the loo and decided to go downstairs and sob on the sofa.

The rest of the day was a blur. Before long we were preparing for the kids first day of term the next day. The next morning my my wife announced in bed that her eyelids had stopped working and she needed a little lie in. I left ‘Sleeping Sally’ to hibernate, showered, changed and went downstairs where my little girl smiled whilst I fished the lunch boxes out of the fridge. You can tell it’s the first day of term as the lunch boxes were all ready. That’s probably the last time they will be ready the night before, until the first day of the next term. As I turned around my little girl was dancing like she was in a nightclub. I did check it was the music and not a wee dance, but apparently I was safe.

I sat down to breakfast whilst my little girl hugged her computer tablet. I had put a lock on it until 7am so she was waiting for the golden hour to commence. To pass the time I went old school and said we could chat. I started things off with “What do you think you will do at school today?” I knew the tablet was still in my little girl’s thoughts when she answered “Probably literacy.” As I was still going old school and chatting, I asked “So what do you do in literacy?” “Oh you know, Daddy, they make us do stuff.” Good grief literacy sounds fun, or is the computer tablet still messing with your brain waves? My little girl announced she would be driving soon. I almost choked on my breakfast and needed medical attention. I said it was a good few years away, but yes she would be driving soon. She then proceeded to show me her driving skills, which looked more like off-roading at a million miles an hour! I did the gentlemanly thing and said having seen her future driving skills, she would now be driving Mummy’s car.

As if the iffy driving skills did not blow my brain cells, my little girl informed me that when she drives she will take her friends to the coffee shop. I did cough to hint maybe she could take her Dad, but this fell on deaf ears! She asked how much a coffee and a doughnut was. I was totally flummoxed so I said about £4.50. She announced “Okay, for two people that’s £9, so you give me a £9 note and I will give you the change.” I was a little worried for a few reasons. One, there isn’t a £9 note. Two, there would be no change, and three, does this mean I’m paying for the petrol as well? Sorry my little con artist, but if I’m paying for the petrol, could you bring back your old Dad a coffee, or maybe a scrap of doughnut?

My little girl checked the clock and it struck seven, so she started watching her tablet, rather than enjoying the old school conversation. I informed my little girl she needed to brush her teeth. When I didn’t get an answer I volunteered to make her tablet turn on at 9am, which would be after she had left for school. The last time I saw her move that fast was Sports Day, so I basked in my coffee and knew I would be victorious today.

See you all next week, have a fantastic week!