Today is the last public holiday of the year, so last night my wife and I sat on the sofa and discussed an early start to make the most of the next day. I suggested that we all get up at 6am as we normally do to get use to the normal schedule, but my wife negotiated no alarm clock. Captain Chaos thundered down the stairs at 9.30pm and tried joining in the discussion, but as his idea of a lay-in is two days in bed with food brought to his lips, his ideas were muted. Captain Chaos then sniffed out our secret sweetie stash and proceeded to roll some of the sweets in his hands before announcing he had not washed his hands since going to the loo earlier. Captain Chaos then dropped the sweets back in the tin and cleared off to bed. Charming, now we had no idea which sweets were salty with a hint of bacteria, and which were coated with sugar and still edible. What better way to start a diet than to have Captain Chaos handle the sweets!!
I woke up at around 8am the next day and found no one beside me, so I guessed my little girl had got my wife up. Soon after I heard Captain Chaos arise out of his ‘cave’, so I guessed he either needed a wee or had smelt food. As I arrived downstairs Captain Chaos was negotiating food, and what drinks should be brought to his lips. I did wonder whether we should drink it for him to save him energy, or if we should place the food in his mouth and move his jaw up and down, after all it’s tiring being four years old!
After an eternity of trying to get two kids ready to go out and checking that they did not need a wee my wife sounded the ‘we need to go now bell’! It’s a bit like the industrial whistle factories blow, which in our case sounds like a wife exploding! I headed for cover in the car giving the usual excuse that I would warm the car heater up. This works wonders in the winter, and claiming I will get the air conditioning going works in summer! Now remember, everyone was given a pre-journey wee opportunity, but no sooner had we got ten minutes down the road than Captain Chaos announced his bladder was ready to explode. I was now driving down a road that I knew didn’t have a lay-by, so I was driving like I had just carried out a bank job and was the sole getaway driver! I got to the roundabout with a cloud of smoke, which is usually my car exhaust showing it was ready to give up on life, but today it was brake dust. I turned the corner like I was doing a handbrake turn at a stunt show. As I pulled into a nearby lay-by you may be wondering why I was being so precious about my car, well I have only just got the sick smell out from the rear from where he had previously projectile vomited into every crevice in the rear of the car on the last journey out. I could not stand the smell of urine as well, and am still fearing that when my car heats up in the summer the smell of fresh vomit will be back.
We set off for our favourite woodland walk. At the start there is a café, which after walking for around 45 minutes, the kids were virtually begging to have lunch as they were ‘emaciated’. Before you feel too sorry for them they had had a ice cream at the half way mark, because we all need ice cream in December in the middle of a heavy frost, where it’s so cold you can see your breath, and almost snap it in two. We finally succumbed and said we would have lunch at the café. We sat down at the seats and I managed to attract a lot of attention, as the queue was so long that my wife volunteered to stand in it whilst I put cartoons on my phone at the table with the kids. You could see fellow parents around me looking with envy as they had not thought of this, and whilst I would claim to be a genius this was a desperate man, and those ten pound cartoons have paid for themselves many times over.
My wife came back with lunch and the kids ripped open their cardboard lunch boxes like they had not seen food for days, and produced cheese sandwiches which had grated cheese. Nothing gets me irate like a sandwich shop that knowingly serves grated cheese sandwiches to children. The moment they both picked it up the cheese fell out, and they were now eating bread and butter. The problem was that now both of my ‘cheese fiend’ kids were now preparing to eat the cheese off the germ infested table. I am pretty sure I saw the germs carting the cheese off on their backs, and before we could scoop the cheese off the table, my wife re-issued strict instructions for Captain Chaos to stop eating off the table. For those people beside me, its ok we are normally better behaved at home, I promise! My son then opened his biscuits, crisps and a block of Red Leicester cheese which completely threw him, and he asked rather loudly “What is this?” That son, is cheese. He almost did not trust us and gave it a lick before putting the entire chunk in his mouth at once after it passed the lick test. We were rather concerned that Captain Chaos had so much in his mouth. He was like a hamster who thought there might be a famine on it’s way, and was putting his paws in the crisp packet to bring out more food. My wife said calmly we had plenty of time, to which he gave the look that said the food would automatically self destruct in a few seconds if not eaten, so we left him to it.
As we prepared to leave we still had half of a cheese factory on the table, which was now totally mashed in, and I could not get it off without many cloths and industrial table top cleaner. Tables were now at a premium and a queue was forming fast, so imagine the look when we stood up, and a lady rushed over like she had won the lottery. Her look changed the moment she saw the state of the table to looking like she had won horse manure for lunch! I apologised whilst Captain Chaos just grinned and turned on the charm. She sat down deflated.
We got back in the car and as we headed onto the open highway with full tummies (well for the grown-ups anyway, as we had grumblings from the kids claiming they needed snacks and drinks,) a punch up started in the rear of the car. When questioning why we had a punch up from the rear, the kids announced they were both fighting over a stuffed toy bat. Seriously?! We are fighting over a stuffed toy bat, and had that been real you could not have opened the windows fast enough to get it out. I ended by timing fives minutes of hugging the stuffed toy each, which started well, and ended badly with one deciding the clock in the car was now lying, and had in fact sped up. I tried to reassure the kids that the clock in the car was very accurate, and had in fact been checked recently so I was sure it was not lying. This was met with the look that only a child gives you when they suspect a grown up is telling porkies. I ended up confiscating the toy bat, which was met with two grumpy children, and after a few minutes of grumpy kids, produced two grumpy adults.
As I climbed out of the car once we had returned home I surveyed the inside of it. Imagine your car stolen, and then returned after some 14 year olds had been joy riding in it and you now have an idea of what my car was like, but yet the house has two happy children. A successful mission I would say!