It Took You 25 Minutes, Really?

I can safely say this year Santa loved the blue top milk and mince pies, and if a child is reading this over your shoulder then an elf told me, wink, wink! I woke today, which as I write this, is Christmas Day to two children shouting at the top of the stairs holding each other back as Mummy had said to wait while she used the bathroom, and no-one was allowed to go downstairs. It made me chuckle how they were holding each other back until one of them realised they were holding their sibling’s bottom, and then both let go.

As they got downstairs a blizzard of wrapping paper was flying in the air, and happy voices were squealing how they always wanted one of those, me, I was grumpy. You can tell I am getting old because it took my wife and I 25 slow and painful minutes to painstakingly wrap them, and it was over in 25 seconds with so much rubbish you could film a TV series based on rubbish hoarders in our front room. My wife was tutting about how she only hoovered the carpet yesterday. I was still amazed she could see the carpet, as I could not see any of it.

Captain Chaos got a lot of Lego this year and I sat down to build it which was taking me an age. I swear it was easier back in the 80’s when I was a child, but today it comes with a thick book on how to construct it. My son could not wait for me to finish, so asked Mummy to start on his other Lego set, and it was now a race between man and wife. I was determined not to let the men of this world down and raced through, although no one told me they left spares, so as I looked perplexed on why I had extra bits, my wife had a smug look and announced she had finished long ago, and did I need help! Ok Miss. Smarty Pants, no need to look so smug, but my wife was very gracious and chuckled when she told me I had the 7 – 8 year olds Lego, and she had the 4 – 5 year olds.

I decided to get showered and changed for church, and seek solace in the bathroom following my Lego defeat. No sooner had I got undressed (sorry I know I am painting a very bad picture, so lets gloss over that detail,) but the bathroom door started to open. This would lead to questions I was not ready for on Christmas Day, so I shut the door again and pointed out that Daddy was in the bathroom. What followed was knocking on the door every few seconds. I was getting very cranky and shouting “I am in the bathroom, does anyone need a wee?” What followed was again continuous knocking and I was getting more irate, shouting at the door. I eventually got dressed enough to open the door and found a remote control car trying to enter the bathroom but no child. I felt silly for shouting at a remote control car, and just turned the car around to see it shoot down the hallway. That’s the first time I have had a shouting match with a car, but there’s always a first for everything.

We headed to church for our morning service and the first 50 minutes went well, as I remembered to pack all my chocolate coins and handed them out as bribes when a child started to wander from their seats. The last ten minutes was hell, and I mean hell. The kids were having a full scale squabble over a china cup that had around 3 droplets of water in the bottom, and how they were both ‘dying of thirst’. Seriously you both have more moisture in your mouth already than in the bottom of the cup, and we are prepared to fight over three droplets? What happened to good will to all men? I am guessing they did not have a cup with three droplets otherwise there may be a full scale war!

We headed to my in-laws for dinner, as my mother in law is the world’s best cook in my eyes, and would give all the TV chefs a run for their money, so I was now the excited one, chomping at the bit to arrive. Captain Chaos ever on comedy patrol shot in and started sniffing the flowers. Trouble was he was doing this with gusto, and I was concerned we would need to surgically remove the flowers from crevices I was not prepared to rook around on Christmas day. Both of my kids then started on the “How long until we open presents?” which seemed to be the only words they knew. If this was a robot toy, I would swear they had been switched to the demo mode where the toy only repeats one phrase. My wife and I managed to calm them down, but in Captain Chaos’s mind a little too much as he hid under the coffee table with a face that now scraped the carpet, and a chin that if he said anything would have had carpet burns! No sooner had the presents been announced than he shot out, and another blizzard of wrapping paper appeared that was now as high as the coffee table.

One toy seemed to puzzle him, and this was famous toy dogs from a cartoon that saves the world. It was not until I asked what was wrong when he announced “But how do they talk?” I tried to explain you pretend and talk for them. This was met with a strange look and looking over the toys for the battery hole. Seriously kids I think we lost something in the modern technological age, so I grabbed the toy and started to pretend and talk for the characters, and show him how it was done. What followed was a look of embarrassment and despair. I gave in and realised I am super old, and maybe was born with too much imagination and not enough batteries.

The following toy filled me with terror and I was trying to read who gave it to them to show my fear as my son announced he had been given a tool set! I was ready to grab the duct tape and cable ties to hold my car together, as when I was Captain Chaos’s age, I undid the boot of my dad’s car, and was scared history was coming back for me. It was a short-lived fear though as someone else who was a little panicky announced it was ok, don’t panic, they are chocolate tools.

As someone in our house was unwell, my wife took them to hospital and I took the kids home on my own. I have to say as I write this my little girl went straight to bed no problems. Ok so now you are all wondering but what about Captain Chaos? Well he promised to stay in his room. This promise lasted around 45 – 60 seconds but when he volunteered to go back to bed I knew something was up, and sure enough I heard the loud pop in his bedroom. On investigation I found he had sneaked another Lego set upstairs and open the bag, with the parts exploding over his room. He assures me he needs no help, so I have left him to it, rather than wake his sister trying to get him to go to sleep. Trouble is I am scared he will complete the Lego without Daddy’s help and no longer need me? Is this sad?

Oh well, night night everyone, see you bright eyed and bushy tailed tomorrow, I am off to negotiate with Captain Chaos, wish me luck!