It’s Called An Image Daddy

I was hoping for a great morning today following last night. Why, I hear you ask? Well, my little girl’s bed fell to bits like most of the furniture in our house after our kids had stress tested it! Years of jumping up and down took their toll, and it collapsed in cloud of dust. My son, on entertainment duty, asked “Do you mean if I jump up and down on the bed, then the wood breaks?” Finally my son had got it, but it was too late for the bed. I sat on the floor a defeated man, in a pile of splinters, wood and dust, when my son came out with “Oh by the way Daddy, now the bed is destroyed could I have the toy underneath over in the corner?” I was seeing this whole bed breaking thing as a bad situation, and was feeling pretty blue but my son, ever the optimist, saw this as a great time to get the toys we were trying to hide, then take down the dump quietly. I went to bed last night blue, but was hoping tomorrow was going to be filled with parental joy, and inspiration on how to fix the bed, otherwise my father in law would be visiting to rescue me again with my adventures in DIY.

I think I have said before that as my kids leave the house they get their baggage checked, like an airport, to ensure nothing inappropriate, like a water pistol, leaves the house. Today we were super late for church and both my kids were dragging their heels. I had to resort to opening the front door, and do the old classic “Bye kids, me and Mummy are leaving” which resulted in screams of “Wait for me!” As I stood by the car door my little girl came out wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses, and moved her hips to the side. Well thanks for the pose my supermodel, but its overcast and dark out here, so I think we can dispense with the sunglasses! Apparently though, it was all about the image. Well what does Daddy know anyway? I have not had ‘an image’ since I left school, but I am as old as the dinosaurs according to my kids.

I waited by the front door for Captain Chaos to arrive, and boy did he arrive. Picture the scene – rucksack, takeaway bamboo calendar from last year, bug hunting kit round the neck, and heaven knows what was in the rucksack. I had to hurry Expedition Eddy along, as the wait of sheer junk, sorry ‘essentials toys’ was weighing him down. It was at that moment as he graced the car I wondered what was going through his mind that needed a calendar and bug hunting kit in church. Unless we have an infestation of bugs looking to plan their holidays for last year he was carrying bonfire material as far as I could see, but what do I know?

We entered church with the explorer and supermodel, who was still wiggling her hips which she tells me is like a supermodel, but I thought it looked more like she was missing a shoe and had put her hip out! Amazingly apart from a punch up as we left church, it went like a dream which is unusual for me as I am usually apologising and nodding my head in shame. We sat down for lunch, and in our house, under the age of eight there is something that causes your bladder to burst the moment food hits the table. Today it was my little girl’s turn who sat on the pan in the bathroom and hammered her feet on the floor until downstairs shook. Now a wise man once told me if you don’t want to know the answer to a question, don’t ask it. My wife did not heed that advice and asked “What were you doing up there?” My little girl just announced “Oh you know, just a few poos!”. Down went my lunch, and funnily enough lunch did not look that appealing after!

Following lunch Captain Chaos came downstairs wearing a neck pillow, looking like he had just been involved in a car crash accident, and was filming a tv commercial for where there’s a blame, there’s an insurance claim. Still as I write this, he is wondering around wearing his insurance claim outfit, but as I said earlier, don’t ask!

Never mind Dorset Dad, as always tomorrow is a new day, full of promise and coffee, nothing can go wrong, or does it? Find out next week what really happened!!