There is a very famous film where a guy wakes up to the same stuff each day, and I am sure he was writing about my weekday mornings. As chief butler to my two children, I am expected to shower and shave without making a fuss, wake them, make a snack, juice, breakfast, find school shoes, brush hair, and turn television onto the correct channel. Being the chief butler I just stay in the background until my name is called which, in case you did not know, is “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!” I would tell you my full name but it’s the same as my current name but twice as long and is most effective if you keep repeating it whilst I am in the bathroom sobbing “Why me?”
Today as I ensured everyone was happy and took my lovely wife her morning cup of tea, I came downstairs and watched the television with the kids. Every single advert had a child’s toy. I ended up sitting there with my son asking “Can I have one of those?”, “Ooooo, can I have one of those?” I didn’t want to point out that contrary to popular belief I wasn’t a multi millionaire and did not have the money readily to hand. I realised the money conversation was a waste of time when my son simply asked me to get some more then! Just popping outside to the money tree again son to pick some more money, back in a minute!
Even if I had the money, some of the toys were a joke! The first one was a toy dog where the object of the game was to pump poo out of his bottom! Seriously someone invented this? My in-laws have two dogs who can poo on demand, no pumping needed, in fact the real version is better, as it has real smells too, and depending on what toy they ate the previous night, the dogs can squeal too!
Advert two was not getting any better. For this game you had a toy head and you picked bogies, yes sorry guys I know that is gross, but was that what the kids of today wanted? Hang on a minute doesn’t every under 5 year old do that anyway? In fact to save money son, I will give you a box of wet wipes to clean yourself, and you can pick a winner for free.
Advert number three was the best I thought, and my kids thought it was brilliant. A toy doll that had multiple diseases, and illnesses, and just by shoving a spoon, or fake needle the doll immediately announced she felt much better now. So lets recap we are encouraging them to play with a hypochondriac doll who she believes is virtually dying, and by showing a fake spoon, or needle so large I would question if it is being used on the right end, she gets better. At the end you are expected to used your imagination for the medicine. Well this month is so financially tight, that I propose we wait till Mummy is asleep, bandage her up, use the new tomato ketchup bottle for blood, which is already better than the £50 doll, and my ‘piece de resistance’, the fizzy pop 2 litre bottle as a syringe, and see if Mummy can guess what end we are using it for. Time to wince Mummy!
Yes guys I am on a money saving mission this month, and I suspect money will be saved hand over fist, why did I not think of this before? Oh kids, I have a new game for you!!