It’s Kids Versus Daddy

Friday night and I arrived home on my knees. As I opened the front door I was greeted with the worst possible news. My wife teased me for a bit, asking had I remembered about tonight? My wife was messing with my mind! I was properly squirming as I had no idea. I was fairly sure it was not our wedding anniversary, and we had just celebrated my wife’s birthday, so I had no idea. Finally I gave in and admitted I had forgot whatever it was. My wife said she was out tonight and I was on my own with the kids. Seriously my little ‘Princess of Doom’, why? I’ve been a good boy, and we both know the kids will ‘eat me for dinner’ on my own. It’s like my kids see me on my own, spot weakness, and go in for the kill.

I may never hold a sausage roll with pleasure again.

I waved my wife goodbye at the front door, along with my freedom. I then turned around and informed them that they had ten minutes and then we would be getting ready for bed. Within five minutes there was a punch up worthy of ‘pay per view’ all over a pencil. Yes people, we were fighting over a pencil. I stepped in and ended up announcing an immediate bedtime and everyone upstairs. Having given kisses and cuddles, I left everyone and went for a bath to soak away the stress of the day.

Sitting in the bath I started to panic as everything went quiet, too quiet. I got out early to find my little girl had turned her light out and was out cold. In the meantime Captain Chaos was grinning in his room like an evil villain in a spy film. I went downstairs whilst Captain Chaos grinned. I was to regret that decision for a long time. When I went back to check on Captain Chaos he handed over a toy laptop in a million pieces with parts of the keyboard littering in his bed. Sorry son, but unless you’re running a repair shop at night on the side for extra cash, what happened? Captain Chaos announced it was not working so he wanted to look inside. I explained politely it needed a new battery and it would have been good but now it was fit for the dustbin.

I should have asked where the screwdriver was but this turned up on Sunday in the fridge, after all where else would you keep your screwdriver?! I put Captain Chaos into his bed and he grinned back and I left. My wife came back and asked how my evening went. I explained I had refereed a punch up of biblical proportion, and our son was now moonlighting as a repair technician in his bedroom at night. My wife grinned like my son and we fell asleep until we heard the sound of someone throwing up with tears. It turned out Captain Chaos was sick and was spraying his bed with around three years worth of dinners and was in a bad way. My wife volunteered to take him to the bathroom while I tackled the room.

I’m sorry princess, but last time I saw a room like this was when I went to a sewage farm on a school trip many years ago. I changed the bed wishing I had a gas mask and at least nine pairs of rubber gloves with a chemical suit. All I had was jogging bottoms covering my dignity and two hands that not even I wanted to be near. It was at that moment I spotted Captain Chaos favourite toy of the moment and realised it was in the middle of Captain Chaos fifth birthday food. I held my breath, swallowed my pride and plucked it out fearing I may never hold a sausage roll with pleasure again.

Having washed my hands many, many times I went back to bed and snuggled under the duvet. Just as I started to lose consciousness I heard the sound of retching followed by “It’s okay, I caught it.” Please tell me my loving wife, you are holding a box and not two hands cupped together, because if it’s the latter don’t bother trying to come back under duvet until you have bathed in industrial cleaner, then you can come back in a day or two! Fortunately my wife had magically found a sick box (as you do) in Captain Chaos room.

I slept well that night and it was only in the morning I remembered the night before when I woke and almost accused my wife of smelling like the sewage farm I had visited at school. I remembered we now had old bed sheets sitting in the bath, covered in sick. My kids then woke and asked what we were doing today. Well kids, how’s your washing machine skills?

Have a great week everyone and see you next week bright eyed and bushy tailed.