Ask me a question! No, sorry not that one, try again! Ok, try asking me “How was your week Dorset Dad?” I’m so glad you asked. Well it’s been going down the pan, and accelerating faster than my kids when they spot a sweet shop. Let’s start at the very beginning when my son got down from the breakfast table without asking, and I was ready to read the riot act until he announced with his hands cupped “No, its ok Daddy, look I’ve got a flea!” I did ask if he found a family of fleas and their travelling circus, but he persisted “No, I want you to be serious Daddy, I’ve got a flea!” You know how it goes, curiosity killed the cat and all that, so I asked to see it. My son parted his cupped hands a little, and I saw a live fly. I rushed him out of the door and we let the fly go, but now I had a question, which I know you are also dying to ask! I asked him how he caught the fly because, no offence, but the only time my son moves that fast is to the kitchen when food is announced. My son just looked at me and said he just cupped his hands together and caught it. Ok, impressive party trick then!
You’re now thinking how is your week going down the pan then? Well try day two when my fly whisperer caught a live bee which then stung him to let him know he was not happy living in my son’s private zoo. I could go on, but suffice to say Saturday was a new day. I went to bed Friday night optimistic, full of hope with a spring in my mattress and joy in my pillow. I was woken violently at just after 6am to my son in the middle of the bed and me clinging to then edge, and an argument between the kids. Oh well, I moved onto my car insurance in an attempt to get the price down. I quickly got showered and changed, grabbed the phone and began to haggle. I thought it would take quite some time, so I quickly downed a coffee and started to brush my teeth when the bathroom door burst open and my son proclaimed that he needed the loo badly. This should set the scene, so I walked downstairs and started chatting to a lady about my car insurance. When the car insurance lady asked if I had anything to declare my son walked into the kitchen with his pants round his ankles! I forgot I was on the phone and told him to pull up his pants! I quickly apologised to the very confused lady on the other end of the phone and continued to answer questions whilst helping him to haul his trousers up.
I was happy when I finished the call having halved my car insurance and saving a packet of money, so I made the decision to buy the kids a new tablet as well as taking the family out to lunch. Before we went out we played a quick family game where you roll a dice and either put feet or hands on coloured spots. Halfway through the game my son decided when you roll the dice and land on purple it means hit your sister, so we packed the game away and had time on the stairs to reflect. Shame really as I wanted to sit on the stairs with door shut, and if it’s one minute for each of my years then this meant 42 minutes of peace! Now this was heaven but sadly I was a chicken and could not think of a crime where no one was hurt, yet would mean that I could sit on my own in peace for 42 minutes.
I declared I would take the family out for lunch, and as we all needed some fresh air, I said we would walk into town with our rain coats, as it was light rain. As we arrived in a very posh delicatessen which has a cafe, I was almost going to ask if we should go, as we were about to bring the tone down, but we decided to sit down. Under our table was a box of toys, and even before the menu arrived the helicopter toy fell to bits in my sons hands. Thanks to ‘Destroy It Dan’ I was now a nervous wreck so I offered to line up and order the food. At the end I apologised to the staff, but asked if they could bring over an industrial size bottle of ketchup with the meal. As the food arrived we waved a book over my son’s food to cool it but his idea was to grab a chip and dunk it into the water then eat it! Yes, even I was ready to throw up and see my fifth birthday meal. After half a bowl of chips the water was as murky as pond water, and parts of ketchup and chips were now floating like life rafts! One posh lady looked over at our meal and asked what my wife was having. The waitress announced in a posh voice it was Welsh Rarebit, I was ready to correct her and say, no sorry sweet cheeks that was Welsh Rarebit, but now it’s many dirty hands touching toast missing the cheese as my kids were dipping in and helping themselves, and the yellow was the napkins torn up from my son. The lady order the food and I just managed to save the glass water bottle from flying towards the floor, as my kids helped themselves and knocking everything flying. My wife announced her bladder was bursting. At this point both kids decided they were going with her. My wife did put up a fight, but after two kids tugging on her clothes, gave up and said they could come. I looked at my phone for a few seconds and when I looked up, someone sat themselves down at our table looking at the menu. I told him we were going, and picked up the coats beside him. Now for the life of me I cannot understand what possessed him! One, I was sitting with coats at the table so clearly it was busy, but two why our table? We looked like we had a punch up at the chimps tea party with a blood bath at the end, only the blood was ketchup, but hey someone clearly liked the mess, and I left him to it.
We hadn’t even got out of the café when my son announced he wanted sweets and proceeded to melt down faster than cheese in my little girls paws. As we negotiated the high street with our now little bundle of anger, we looked like the sort of people you cross the street to avoid. My wife said to go on, and take my little girl home. As we walked in the now torrential downpour as we had taken so long thanks to Meltdown Matthew, I turned around to see my little girl walking down the road with her tongue out. I asked in the name of science what she was doing, and she announced “Oh just seeing what rain tastes like.” And, I asked, what does Dorset rain taste like? With a dead pan face she announced “Oh just like pond water.” Well that was a statement that rocked the environmentally pure nature of water to my very core.
As Meltdown Matthew arrived home, he pleaded to play the guitar, so he picked up my wife’s guitar and gave a heavy metal band a run for their money. I looked around and everyone else had cleared off! Here I was being subjected to a fast pace racket that made air guitar look tame. Let’s just say I don’t think he will be performing any time soon, and yes my lovely wife, I did notice you clear off whilst Captain Chaos gave his star performance! As the concert drew to a close he left the front room like he was electrocuted and whilst I was happy it was over, I found out seconds later why the concert ended prematurely when my wife screamed someone had wee’d up the stairs and over her leg!
So Saturday afternoon I was scrubbing the stairs on my knees and spraying fabric air freshener so the stairs didn’t smell like an archway under the railway station with cigarette butts and the smell of days old urine. Our stairs were now fresh as a daisy, well a daisy on its last legs anyway, but it was a little better, and my wife appeared with a fresh pair of trousers, although this was followed by another scream, and apparently another change of trousers but I was now officially hiding and if anyone asks whether am I a man or a mouse, just find me in the garden outside eating cheese and squeaking!
So Dorset Dad, how would you sum up your week? Now some people have asked me to look on the bright side, so for you people saying I have been a little pessimistic this week, then here is my summary! This week we have hit rock bottom with a startling crash and the only way is now up. There how’s that for positive?