I swear getting dressed as a child was quicker in my day. Five minutes and I could be out of the door, after all, as a child you don’t need to wash. As my little girl would tell you, “I had a wash yesterday, and my teeth look ok.” My little girl is now five years old therefore she can get dressed herself, but it depends on the mood she is in. Take for example this week, Monday she started with getting dressed, washed and ready without me sitting on the bed rocking and dribbling. She even managed tights, which any dad will tell you were only invented to annoy dads, and only girls seem to understand which way round they go, and unless there is a label, I now ask my little girl, who just gives me the look that says I thought you were meant to be the smart one.
Tuesday we went completely down hill, with me growing in confidence and sending her upstairs on her own. Ten minutes later I went upstairs expecting a fully dressed child. What I arrived to was tumbleweed and silence with no sign of life in her room. I looked in my son’s room, and all I found was a bad smell, and a terrible noise that could pass for the Gruffalo but that turned out to be my son still fast asleep! I would have checked for terrible claws, but I was on a mission. I checked our room, and found only my wife who asked how things were going. “Oh just peachy” was my reply as I headed out the door to continue my search. When I looked in the bathroom, I began to panic until I heard a giggle from nearby. As I looked in her room, I saw some legs hanging out from under the little table in her room, to which she yelled “Surprise!” Surprise?! You must be kidding me! I am due out of the door in fifteen minutes, supposedly with my little girl in tow and she had been hiding under the table playing piggin’ hide and seek!
Wednesday was a belter as it started with my little girl announcing she could not go to school today. In the interest of pure humour, I asked what she was dying of. I was told “I cannot go to school today as I am wearing a plaster.” I was more than confused, so I asked why. She laughed and exclaimed “I have a plaster on my foot and it’s tickly!” After losing plot yet again, I started to grab clothes at an alarming rate and tried to speed up the process by announcing “Oh look, I’ve got ‘Everything’s Rosie’ knickers.” To which she announced “You mean ‘Dora the Explorer’ Daddy.” Please world, tell me what I did wrong? I’m a good boy and do not understand why I am being punished.
Thursday was all out painful, and yes we did get dressed, but it took nearly an hour. I know some people say you cannot rush a girl, but my boss has a clever phrase which goes along the lines of ‘if you turn up on time you get paid.’ They’re funny like that. I tried reasoning with her and explained Daddy needs to get to work on time, but she just said “Don’t worry Daddy.” Being cute, I thought I would play my ace card! I usually reserve this secret plan in cases of emergency. On this occasion I was breaking the emergency glass! I announced her favourite tv show was starting soon and neither of us would want to miss it. She just looked and said “Mummy has sown my label into my tights at the front.” What?! This was terrible! The only way I know the tights are on the correct way round is by the label, and now even my wife was messing with my mind!
Weekends are always funny, because I play a secret game with my wife called the jumble sale game. My little girl amazes us, and dresses herself unsupervised and unasked by the time we wake up. However, the clothes don’t match and the combinations are terrible! So we imagine she has gone to a jumble sale and you have to guess how much she spent. Most weekends it’s around 20 to 30 pence, but this past weekend she arrived looking like she was back in the eighties and got mugged! This was a 10p outfit good and proper! She had even managed to ‘save’ money by not buying that special wax to imitate the ‘just got out of bed look’ as she really had!
If you are a dad with children, don’t listen to other dads who tell you to look forward to them being grown up. I say enjoy the under fours, cherish every day. By the time they hit five, it could take up to an hour and a half to get them ready. I am already nervous abut my little girl wearing make up as that could mean her not coming downstairs until after lunch, but girls don’t wear make until they leave school, do they?