After a hard days work, I got in my car to see beautiful hot sunshine. As I drove home I expected two children and a wife to greet me with open arms whilst I sat in the garden with a fresh coffee. Fast forward to me opening the front door to find two children slumped on the sofa with faces that looked like a cartoon character that has been hit with a frying pan. Rather than get into an argument I headed into the kitchen to find my wife was feeling rather poorly, so I headed for the garden to eat worms. I sat in my seat and guilt got the better of me so I started to help cook the dinner. I got the usual request for something else as they’ve never liked sausages apparently. It wasn’t until my little girl saw the tinned spaghetti that things went downhill fast. My little girl asked why we had it in the house and “Where are the beans?” I explained it was spaghetti or nothing which was a bad idea as she announced nothing was the preferred option! Hang on my two hungry grumps, I’ve just arrived home from nine hours of hard graft, whilst you guys played ‘Spot The Mug Who Had To Go To Work’, and now I am doing my bit for survival and cooking food that is edible and will not catch fire when one of you beat the TV or start a punch up and I have to leave what is cooking to sort out the situation, just the average day really!
Dinner was a fun time with arms folded and a refusal to eat dinner until they realised I was a man on the edge. Suddenly it went from grumpy faces to happy faces claiming it was the best dinner ever. Well glad that’s all cleared up! No sooner had the cutlery hit the plate than dessert was being requested. Now this was something I hadn’t thought of, but my wife conjured up two chocolate puddings from the fridge. Now to be fair, I had examined the fridge but hadn’t spotted them, so how my wife pulled that trick I do not know but I asked if she could rub the magic wand for a cherry ice cream. I got one raised eyebrow which was code for “You are taking the mickey, right?”
Well, I had two semi happy children. My wife and I collapsed at the dinner table whilst my kids went off to destroy, sorry ‘explore’, the house. All was going well for at least two minutes and then it happened. An almighty crash came from upstairs. It sounded like the first floor was meeting the ground floor. Then calm footsteps descended down the stairs and my little girl serenely came into the kitchen and announced “Wait until you see what Captain Destruction has done, you might be upset Daddy.” I carried my phone and credit card upstairs calmly preparing to ring our local builders. Now at this point I can hear you thinking what a cruel and heartless man, not even thinking about your poor son who could be injured. Now what I had not told you was you could hear a happy him from downstairs so whatever went down at least two floors was providing exciting entertainment.
As I opened the bathroom door a scene which would not have been out of place in an end of the world film was before me. Our ex-shower curtain and every fitting was now around the toilet bowl like a bad curry, and my son was standing in the bath fully clothed with more shampoo than our local supermarket tipped on his head with bubbles rising higher than my blood pressure. In the name of entertainment I asked “Why, son?” “I’m only washing Daddy.” Well what do you say to that? I could hardly discourage washing as it normally takes force and bribery to get them into the bathroom in the first place. My loving wife came to my rescue while I beat the floor crying. I then attempted a scene befitting a sitcom of putting the shower rail and curtain back up and watching it come back down again. At one point it did stay up but following a sneeze it came to meet my feet. Neat party trick, but I was losing the will to live whilst my son was having the time of his life.
So what did the Dorset Dad learn today? Well, when I leave work there is a lay-by with a small garden. If you’re a fellow parent just give me a heads up and I will bring a spare chair and we can all rock backwards and forwards together. Night everyone. Sorry, my loving wife, please do not touch the shower rail and best not to pass wind in the bathroom as the shower rail needs a little adjustment!