Saturday morning and all was well, that was until my wife announced she was going out, and later coming back to collect Captain Chaos. Oh great, my wife was only going out a short time, meaning there was not enough time to go out, so we were trapped inside the house like a prison sentence. The door shut and I was already preparing for a large scale riot, when my little girl bagged the television, and my son went up to his room. Sorry family what just happened, no arguing, no asking for snack? I started up my computer and prepared for a great time, when I had not even put in my username and Captain Chaos asked how long until snack time. Now just repeat “Snack Daddy!” every few minutes until you’re ready to crack up and that’s my morning. I finally cracked and handed out snacks, then my wife appeared like a white knight crying “oh mummy we’re glad your back.” Hang on kids I’ve suffered here too, but nope I sat in the corner like the big bad parent.
When Captain Chaos and my wife left I told my little girl that mummy had my car so we are walking in the rain for some lunch as a treat. My little girl came down ready for summer, so I pleaded for her to change so I was not photographed as the worlds worst parent. My little girl did change her mind and agreed to wear socks and a raincoat, with her summer outfit. A wise person once said to pick your battles, and I knew there would be another battle later, so I was saving my energy. We headed to a scenic cafe and was told I could have a seat for lunch, but could not stay longer then two and a half hours! Sorry my little cafe owner but my little girl would not sit for longer than an hour if you chained her to the seat, so I think we’re safe.
We were given a menu and my little girl choose a sandwich and customised it so heavily, she had virtually created a new lunch time menu. It was not long before lunch arrived and I savoured every bite, particularly as pay day was in a few days, so I did not have much money. As I took my third or fourth bite, my little girl announced she was done and could we go. Whoa tiger, my coffee still has steam, and my sandwich only has a few bites do you think we could hold on. Clearly not as I got ‘the look’. I poured the coffee down my throat stripping the lining of my throat, and put the whole sandwich in my now burnt mouth. If you saw me leave, I was the one with cheeks like a hamster who had lost feeling in their mouth, due to the burning sensation. We headed home where my little girl saw a supermarket and claimed she needed something to ‘remember the day by.’ Sorry my keen princess, could we take a photo and go easy on daddy? Apparently ‘I don’t get it’, no my expensive princess it’s like my wages, ‘I haven’t got it.’
We headed in for a ‘cheap comic’ and after celebrating many birthdays while she choose, she appeared with a comic so expensive I check for the gold leaf pages. My little girl then announced we needed a comic for Captain Chaos. I felt my pulse because I’m sure I stopped breathing and then it came to me like a bolt of lightning. Let’s get a cheap toy which is around half the price of a comic. We found a toy which I checked said one pound fifty pence. I skipped down the aisle with the cheap toy and my little girl announced could she put the expensive comic back and get a cheap toy too. After fist pumping the air and screaming ‘yes’ too loudly, she picked one up too. Now my big mistake was that I took my little girl’s word it was cheap, and I will pay for that mistake in a moment.
Yes people I was happier than a rat with an open dustbin from a takeaway.
I queued round the block and back for a till, and I scanned the toys, and a grand total that sent me spinning and light-headed appeared. I held the shop till to stop myself fainting and turned to my little girl, who now had puppy dog eyes, and with many people looking at me behind in the queue, I realised I had no choice but to buy them. It would have been cheaper to get the comic, but hey I had a happy little girl, right? When we got to the doors my little girl announced ‘why not treat yourself daddy?’ Daddy is flat broke but then I saw a free supermarket magazine and said ‘oh look a free magazine’ that’s all I need.
So just to recap I had a burnt throat, indigestion and a free magazine that would be lining the food bin within the hour, whilst my little girl wore a smile and an expensive toy. We headed home and Captain Chaos thanked me for the toy, and my wife announced we were making pizza for dinner. My wife got the bowls out and filled them with tomato sauce, vegetables and meats and said to make our own pizza. I watched the kids lick the spoons and put them back in the bowls, and realised while they had pizzas fit for a king, I would be eating bacteria on pizza dough fit for the bin. When the pizzas came out, I almost imagined the germs suntanning themselves on my pizza in the oven, and when mine came out I wondered if I needed a pizza cutter, or a tetanus jab.
We sat and watched a family film, which was as excited as waiting at a doctors surgery, and later herded everyone to bed. As I sat on the sofa surrounded by the contents of a chewed pizza and old drinks bottles, I realised within nine years potentially my little girl could leave home. I sat on old chewed pizza a happy Dad with pepperoni on my jeans, and sweet corn stick to my bottom a happy dad.
See you all next week everyone!