More Hand Gel Daddy

Last night my little girl was staying over with her cousins, and in the morning I really missed my little girl. My little girl and I both get up early and listen to the radio whilst eating breakfast. I sat there like ‘Billy No Mates,’ and found the radio empty; it was not the same without my little girl. All was not lost however, as Captain Chaos was providing enough comedy to make up for my little girl being missing. Captain Chaos announced he had been to the bathroom, but unfortunately his aim was slightly off! Apparently he had accidentally wee’d over his entire pack of playing cards. Had it been me I would have binned them, but my green recycling warrior laid them out on the kitchen table to dry, yes people you heard me right. Tonight I’m getting a takeaway until the kitchen table has been fumigated or burnt.

My little girl returned and we headed to the theatre to watch a fantastic show. However, when we got there it’s a good job my kids are tall, because they started robbing you at the entrance. Apparently they wanted money for a booster seat! I had already spent money on the tickets, but now I was being robbed blind before I had even seen my seat that I had paid a kings ransom for. To ensure you’re totally broke, the theatre then waved programmes at our kids. We both know it will line the recycling bin before the week is out, but no, my kids wanted the world’s most expensive recycled paper. By the time I saw my seat, the only thing lining my pockets was keys to a clapped out car, and a recycled tissue.

You’re confused flower, we need food, not cleaning materials!

At half time my kids shot out of their seat like a racehorse. I didn’t get there in time because people, with more money than us, had pre ordered posh drinks with a bucket of ice. Captain Chaos believed it was fair game and had his dirty paws in the ice bucket. He then slipped with an ice cube and shot it through a queue of people. I was dying of embarrassment and picked up the ice cube just as the people who paid for the posh drinks came back. Thankfully, all the queue kept quite, although the people who paid for the posh drinks must have wondered why an entire queue all smiled at them that day.

Okay now to confess our naughtiness! To save money we smuggled the kids drinks in to save being robbed at the till for water more expensive than the petrol we used to drive here. Trouble was my wife had lost track whose water was whose. Thankfully Captain Chaos had been eating minty sweets like they were going out of fashion. My little girl took one sip and nearly sprayed the drink across two tables. My wife announced ‘Okay, wrong drink!’ My poor little girl had been subjected to minty backwash that had more bacteria than the local river bed.

We headed back to the final half of the show when we realised Captain Chaos has been knocking back sugary sweets and was now on a high. As the lights went down Captain Chaos raised his feet in the air, and we spent nearly an hour sitting next to a live eel who looked like it was being electrocuted. When the lights came up we shot out before other parents had a quiet word about a refund, because the second half was virtually unwatchable, thanks to our electric eel.

We headed to a famous burger chain believing this to be a ‘treat’. As we ordered I walked to a table but it had a few items on it. My wife immediately started mumbling ‘Tissue, we need a tissue!’ You’re confused flower, we need food, not cleaning materials to buff a table to a shine last seen by royalty. I relented and got a tissue out of my pocket when I was told “Wait!” My wife rummaged through her hand bag, which was larger than a magicians bag, and pulled out hand gel. She sprayed it and told me to “..wipe that in.” Heavens above, here I was buffing the table to a mirror shine, while my food was shivering. Now the vital part – I had now forgotten was which one was the boy’s toy, and which one was the girl’s and yes people, I got it wrong. Oh boy, did I suffer with one happy child and one claiming their life was over as we knew it.

As we ate the actors and actresses came in and my wife knew one of the mums. Yes people, I was star struck as the cast were amazing and I realised my loving wife was now connected with the entertainment world. Me, I know the people behind my favourite coffee shop bar, but that does not count. As we drove home the kids virtually fell asleep and so did my wife driving. No just kidding, but a great day was had by all.

See you all next week, I’m just off to get more tissues and hand gel in case we eat out again. See you all next week bright and shiny.