As I write this today its my birthday, and yes I’m 18 yet again. What better way to celebrate your birthday than to be off of work and celebrate with your beautiful wife, but she mentioned something about dropping the kids off at school. I can get the kids ready for school so I thought it would be easy, but I just realised being a mum is a lot harder than I thought.
I personally love surprises but this birthday the kids had told me for days what I was getting. The cake and chocolate boy had been making sure that the first slice was his, and could it be filled with lots of chocolate. Ok so all surprises were now over, today my presents were all ripped open and now the largest portion of my cake was already gone before a candle had even caught a glimpse of it. My wife announced we had minutes to go before the first drop off and, as usual, we did battle with the toothbrush. I simply asked my little girl if she could brush her teeth, wash her face and put her shoes on. What my little girl heard was sit on your bed, read a comic until Daddy explodes. When I saw her again she had the fairy garden look of complete innocence and was asking why I looked like a crazed wild animal. I realised I had asked too much so I explained slowly like I was in a foreign country, because we all know if you speak slowly abroad it helps right?! I asked again, this time dropping the shoes requirement and just asking for face and teeth, to which she replied “Oh I did not realise.” Sorry my little hygiene expert, but I am not just here to expel oxygen! I listened to my teachers and they taught me that if I didn’t clean my teeth, then expect to smile with brown teeth.
Coming downstairs I was now realising we were late, so I strapped something to her feet, (they could have been breakfast cereal boxes as I was concerned) and bundled them into the car. My wife drove like we just carried out a bank job. As we got out to walk my little girl to school my son announced he needed toys to entertain him whilst on the way to my little girl’s school. As we were in my wife’s car which is basically a toy box on wheels with a steering wheel at the front for entertainment, he had no problems dragging out so many toys I feared we would be mugged by a bunch of under fives. As we started to walk, my son insisted on doing his crawling speed. In the end it was announced I could carry him on my back. Superb, nothing like back pain to help see in the birthday. I used to be six foot, but now I’m only around five foot something thanks to carry two children and toys.
As we dropped off my little girl we set off for my son’s pre school which, based on the speed my son set off, must have been good. In fact as we queued at the door with other parents, each child was now chomping at the bit to get in. It made me laugh because you never see this at work, with everyone just eager to get to their desk, but this pre school must have been good. As they dived in we almost got a wave before he shot off, and I was now ready for some birthday relaxation.
A quick coffee in a coffeeshop, and looking into my wife’s eyes with love to realise she was just tired and not staring at me with love. My wife wanted to look into a clothes shop on the way back to the car, and I found the ultimate clothes shop in Dorset. They have a sofa and mens car magazine at the back, and when I say sofa, this one was so big I almost lost myself in it! I let my wife go shopping and said “Just come back for me.” Whilst I indulged in the luxury of the sofa I heard the manager announce that they were hoping to put in a coffee machine soon. What?! Am I the only one who has found the most amazing clothes shop in the entire world? I spent 10 minutes of sheer bliss, and came out way more relaxed than I came in. I may have to start pretending my wife is in the back of the store, while I sit in comfort and peace on my own with a coffee. I wonder how long before they twig I just needed peace?
As we arrived home, my wife announced we had time for a quick sandwich before we needed to pick up my son. Are you kidding me? We had only just arrived home! What happened to the hours of doing nothing and how come we are already running late? Sure enough my son exited pre school doing about a hundred screaming something about his sister and dinosaurs but I was fairly confident his sister was not a dinosaur, and none would appear in the pre school.
The rest of the afternoon was a blur, of rushing to pick up my little girl, then to swimming lessons where my son announced at the top of his voice he needed a poo, and it was coming. I flew down to the changing rooms to put my son on the loo, who spent so long he had the toilet manufacturer’s name on his bottom.
By the time we arrived home, my wife was cooking tea, and I made a startling realization that it was less stressful at work and I in fact, had an easier time at work. Sorry my wonderful wife for dreaming you drank tea at home sitting with your feet up for hours. Of course this was not what I thought, it was someone else of course (currently have my fingers crossed behind my back, looking out for bolts of lighting in the sky!)