Never Lick Or Pick

Just imagine for a moment you came round my house for dinner. The smell of food is tantalising. The plate arrives and you pick up the knife and fork. At that point Captain Chaos announces to everyone “We learnt at school you mustn’t lick or pick it!” What’s the first thing that comes to your mind? Yup, mine too! My knife and fork went down, and the contents of my stomach started coming up. Seriously, what has this world come to when they teach kids not to lick or pick? I looked in horror at my wife, who then clarified things, announcing it was forest school, and they mustn’t lick or pick things like berries. Phew! I thought the world had gone mad.

My wife left Friday night, and I put the kids to bed and after a week that hadn’t treated me kindly, I turned the hot water tap in the bath onto near nuclear. After checking no one needed to empty their guts, or drain most of their body weight in urine, I slipped into the bath to watch stickers float round. Why me world, why me? I’ve had the week from hell, and now I’m taking a bath with stickers. I admitted defeat and jumped out hoping for a miracle. As I went past Captain Chaos, he was using so much sellotape making things, I was worried the floor would need reinforcing due to the weight of sellotaping going on. I was not sure what he’s making, but if that’s my Fathers Day gift I may need a knife so sharp you could slice paper into thin wafers just to open the wrapping.

Yes I’m fully expecting the ceiling to fall down by next month.

Morning arrived and I duly went downstairs to make the kids breakfast. Clearly I was too slow for Captain Chaos, as he started barking his orders for a drink, as he was thirsty. Clearly his legs had packed up temporarily so, as I was now washing up the dishes, I asked my little girl to make him a drink. As she poured the water into a bottle she put it to her face. I was beginning to wonder if she had found some love for Captain Chaos’ water bottle, but no, she announced “Yup, that’s cold enough, he can have it now.” Sorry, but are you having a laugh? We have to check the temperature before serving it? Sorry my keen beans, but how it comes out of the cold tap is how you’re having it served. If you have any complaints, then the kitchen closes immediately and it then becomes self service.

Captain Chaos had an appointment with the hairdresser, and my wife was running late. I made her breakfast so she could munch whilst getting ready. Yes people, with the brownie points I was earning, I was untouchable for the next hour at least. I then offered to run my wife and Captain Chaos into town, and when I came back that’s the last I saw of my little girl for the next few hours. When my wife arrived back she asked how my little girl had been. I informed her that I had not seen her for hours. My wife looked worried, so I said it’s okay and screamed “Lunch time!” to which a thunder of footsteps like a stampede of animals in a zoo was heard hammering down the stairs. I announced my little girl was fine, and we raced through lunch ready to go see a circus.

I have never been to a circus, so I did not know what to expect. I have to say what a team of very talented people. They entertained our kids and showed them laughter, tricks and amazement for two hours making it fantastic value for money. We said we would visit again next year when they are in town.

As we arrived home, I prepared a barbecue and a quick salad. I had to smile as it took me around an hour to prepare and wash up, and it was demolished in three minutes! It was at this point my wife revealed the ultimate punishment on a dad. I thought my brownie points earlier meant I was going to be treated like a king, but alas it was not to be. My wife announced bath-time, and we all know what this means. Yes people, my little girl had apparently squirted enough shampoo in her hair to make a buy one get one free deal positively rubbish. My son poured a bucket of water over the bathroom floor, which went down the floorboards and should be coming through the kitchen ceiling as we speak, and it’s not even seven pm at night.

Now I know what you’re thinking, surly you’re just being over dramatic? Maybe just a little, shall we say, sensitive? If you know me, ask to come round for coffee and when you’re in the kitchen look at our ceiling. It’s filled with water stains and feels like a wet wipe! Yes I’m fully expecting the ceiling to fall down by next month.

Oh well, tomorrow is a new day filled with hope, scrub that, filled with optimism. See you all next week lovely people. Have a great week!