This past week I have been decorating our front room, putting all of the furniture in the middle with a little walkway around the edge. Now what amazes me is that the moment I opened the paint tin, it makes anyone under the age of eight need a poo or wee. There I was up against the wall with a roller trying to allow my little girl to go to the loo, and I was spread eagled against the wall like a police search. No sooner had she passed, than my son announced he had a poo coming, and fast. Again I hugged the wall, and within less than sixty seconds I was hugging the wall for two children to squeeze back past as it was a false alarm! Typical, just typical! So I waited until the evening, then found they came back down after being tucked up for the night as they needed to “….tell Mummy something.” There I was, spread eagled up a wall with a roller, muttering with my wife announcing that I was a grumpy old man. No princess, it’s just that it felt like the M25 in here all day!
Today was Saturday, I had finished and was just putting up the picture frames and photos. Now bear in mind that my wife is just like my mum. She grabs a bag of nails, whacks them into a wall at random and hangs photos. So imagine my surprise after ‘Random Rachael’ says to get out the tape measure. Sorry my ray of loveliness, but why do I need a tape measure, surely I can do what you do and randomly whack a nail in a wall and be done with it. Apparently if you paint a wall, you have to measure and get pictures in line and in the middle of a wall. Imagine my frustration when I had two thieves in my room, nicking my tools, pencils, tape measure and spirit level every time I turned around. In between me going up a ladder, measuring and finding no pencil, coming back down getting cranky, the thief then confessing, going back upstairs for the pencil, and then coming back down, my blood pressure was rising faster then interest rates!
Having hung the new curtain rail, as the last one did not match the paint, I sat down and let the kids systematically destroy the house by erecting a two man tent in the front room, and bringing down from their bedrooms anything not bolted down to the floor, while my wife left me to fend for myself. I saw my wife many hours later a broken and desperate man on the edge. My wife made food and threw it at the chimps. Most food ended up on the floor. In fact I am thinking that to save time, I will open a bag of crisps and just throw them on the floor because I know that’s where they’ll end up anyway! I am seriously thinking I could feed a small town just by the food I scape off the floor. How? I hear you ask. Is it because I have small plates? Nope, they could be mistaken for flying saucers it’s just that my kids have ants in their pants, and keep moving even if we have no music playing.
As the sun went down, along with all hope, we asked the kids to clear up. I was in for a major shock when we got to Captain Chaos room. It looked like a burglary scene that had been undisturbed for weeks. Both my wife and I got on our knees and began to try and salvage the room. At this point Captain Chaos chose to stand on the bed and proudly announce “I am Pharaoh, and you are my slaves! Oh by the way you’re doing a good job!” Whoa there my little slave driver, nice of you to admit we are treated like slaves, but forgive me for getting slightly cranky.
I left half the man I was after a four year old who was clearly smarter than the parents to say good night to my little girl. As I sat on her bed, ready to tell her I love her, I noticed half of the kitchen along with food, with multiple breakfast bowls and cups strewn around the room. Hang on a minute ‘Kitchen Kate’, how come you are moving the kitchen up into your room piece by piece? She then asked if we could move the fridge upstairs as she loves food! Now this was clearly my little girl, as my first flat had the kitchen backing onto the bedroom, and if I sat at the end of my bed, and stretched I could open the fridge. This was my ultimate man flat, and many a night blue top milk would just find its way into my bed. I am sure my little girl will be like this, and I will look on her first flat with happy memories.
I cleared the bedroom of a full plate set, said good night, only to spot another bowl which I emptied and picked up. My little girl announced “Look at the mess you just made!” Now here I was apologising to my eight year old little girl for the mess I had made! Clearly I am not the smartest cookie in this family.
Never mind, the lounge is painted, the curtain rail is still attached to the walls, and I have a new plate set. Who said life was not exciting!