School Photo Time Daddy

This morning I had the day off of work. I woke up after the birds, to the sound of the bedroom door opening and my wife standing there with a hot coffee. What she said next blew the last remaining brain cells I had left clean away. My wife announced the kids were happy watching a kids film downstairs completely in German. What?!! I grabbed a dressing gown and flew downstairs faster than a superhero to check out my bilingual bears, who were indeed watching in German. I asked if they were both happy. “Oh yes, Daddy!” they replied, as if this was normal. What worries me is that another hour and I would need a translator app just to communicate with my pair. I guessed at least they were learning and did what every parent does on their day off, went to the kitchen to bake a cake, only kidding I went back to bed.

Bed was short lived when I found out we had to be at school early for group photos. My wife said they had to look super smart. However, based on last years photos, why bother. My kids looked like they had just completed survival school and given each other a hair makeover. The comedy began when one of them had their eyes closed and the school said for a small sum of thirty hard earned pounds I could buy a copy, or even purchase a photo of them on a mug. Sorry school, but the only mug would have been me if I bought a copy! Yes I know sentimental and all that, but I promise the photo was that bad, so with only one child with theirs eyes open we saved the money for another year, and this year was it.

When we arrived we had to stand in a line out of the hall, and round the block like they were giving out school dinners, and the first hundred were free. As we got closer my kids were pulling down wall displays whilst we put them back up, not to be naughty, oh no, just so we could have a ‘closer look.’ As we got to the front, our kids sat down before the photographer could say “Hi,” and sat on the bench neat and tidy with cute smiles so you ask what went wrong? Well when the photographer told them to put their arms around each other, oh my little girl did but maybe a little too tight, as my son was going bright red and even the photographer had to say “Maybe a little looser just so your brother can breath.” The photographer took the smile, looked at the result and smiled and said “That’s it”. Hang on my little photographer, was the smile and “That’s it” meaning good that’s it, or good grief that’s it, but we have to wait?

I drove my wife into town for an errand and what made me chuckle in a small town the size of a shoebox with a sign on a traffic light by a wall saying “Warning police operate in this area”. Oh so that’s where they all are! Shame, I was hoping they would visit our area but clearly this small town had such a crime wave they all live in this small town. I was worried in case they popped up from behind the wall and shouted boo!

When we picked up the kids from school I was horrified when I saw Captain Chaos come out of his class with a face that looked like he had done ten rounds with a professional boxer. I immediately asked what happened and apparently he took the lid off his pen, and it shot into his face, and blood came out. Well that’s a new one on me son, who knew pen lids were so dangerous? It was at that moment I realised it was school photo day, so asked “When did it happen, son? Before photos, or after?” and prayed for a good answer. “Oh just before, Daddy, but it does not hurt any more.” came the reply. I was a little sad but then realised anyone that knows our son will realised that Dangerous Dave was just setting the scene for the future battles to come.

When I saw my little girl out of her classroom I was handed a chopped up shoe box that was a house and was told it was just for Daddy. Now kids, I hate to break it to you but Daddy did pay the mortgage so it’s ok I can promise we can all stay in our house made out of bricks. Then I began to panic! Now when you said just for Daddy, does that mean I have been so bad I am being kicked out tonight to sleep in a shoe box under the stars with all the creepy crawlies? If anyone needs me tonight I am sleeping in a shoebox with slugs and more sellotape than a craft shop lashing up the shoebox, sorry house walls.

Night night everyone, see you all bright eyed and bushy tailed next week.