Sick Box Simon

If I let you inside my mind on a Friday afternoon, you would just see pictures of food passing by, in anticipation of a fantastic meal when I got home. I’m not sure why, but Friday evening meals always seem to be a bit more exiting, so the drive home was a little quicker than usual. As I got in, there was Captain Chaos slumped on the sofa with a cardboard sick bowl from a hospital. Upon getting inside I was told he had tonsillitis. My wife had been at the doctors, so I offered to cook and as I served the meal, I suggested we all sit in the front room with meals on our laps, to keep Captain Chaos company. My wife suggested it would be messy, but I announced “nope, everyone will be careful, trust me my ‘Little Muck Magnet’.” I sat next to Captain Chaos and had the first fork locked and loaded, and put it to my mouth taking in the smells of various herbs, whilst Captain Chaos snorted, then spat into his cardboard sick bowl next to my food! Down went my fork and pretty much the rest of the evening.

Having woke up Saturday refreshed, my kids were both arguing about money, and it turned out my little girl had given some of her money to her brother, and was planning on spending the rest today. I pleaded with ‘Miss Moneybags’ to save her money, and then she could afford more expensive toys, rather than cheap tat. Argument won, and peace was on the way, until she announced “okay Daddy” and whipped the money back off her brother, and said she changed her mind! My little girl left, Captain Chaos was grumpy and I still had no peace. Not surprising really, it was like going to the bank and being given free money in your hand, then whipped away at the door. I handled the situation like a pro and went into the bathroom for a very long shower, whilst my resident loan shark and Captain Chaos argued. All in all I could have handled the situation better, but I genuinely was trying to do the right thing. To say Captain Chaos was grumpy was an understatement, and I got out of the bathroom to find he had tipped a large glass of juice over the table, in displeasure.

Onwards and upwards, Saturday afternoon was spent like a hospital sick ward, and my wife saved the day announcing we were having a pizza and movie night. Captain Chaos mustered up enough strength to prepare his pizza, well I say pizza it was more like half a dairy of cheese, with a small piece of bread underneath. My little girl was a little more conservative with the cheese, and asked could we put on the exciting film. As the credits started rolling, both kids looked at each other and then us, and announced they had seen the film before, but in the name of pizza and staying up late would watch it again. Seriously the film was dire, and revolved around some sea creatures saving the ocean I think, because I could feel the blood draining out of myself slowly. I sneaked my tablet computer into the room and my wife sneaked her phone in. Like naughty school kids we sniggered and both surfed the Internet for at least ten minutes, before getting busted like school kids eating sweets at the back of class. Now what? I checked the remaining time left and it was an hour, or sixty hard and long punishing minutes of torture.

A few times I thought the film had finished, and reached for the remote before getting told off and told to sit back down by the kids. By the time it had finished, I had almost counted the fabric hairs in the carpet, and redecorated the house in my mind. I rushed the kids upstairs like the house was on fire, and had them in bed, tucked up and in the land of nod, ready for something amazing on the television. My wife tortured me by announcing would I like a sneaky dessert full of calories? Oh my little bundle of red hot love and radiance how I love you, then I remembered I was on medication which meant I could not eat! Seriously who would do that to their husband, I now went to bed, starving, with an onset of severe, and I mean severe boredom, and went to sleep dreaming of that naughty dessert that could have been.

So you’re all thinking after a rubbish Saturday, surely Sunday must have been amazing? Well what can I say, shall we mention one of my kids kicking someone’s football into the next century, or maybe the bit about one of my kids making another child cry, or should we go with pruning my wife’s favourite tree in our garden, well we say pruning, it was more like hacking, as part of the tree was put into a flower vase and mounted in the front room. If you visit the house please go easy on me, and don’t mention the miniature tree in the vase.

Maybe, just maybe we could go with dinner where we turned out head for a split second, and I mean split second, in fact so quick Olympic runners have had photo finishes for slower times. As we turned back there was captain Chaos squirting half a bottle of tomato ketchup, and using a dessert spoon to eat it.

Between you me and the gatepost I am off to work soon for a rest. Whoever said parenting was easy, would you just give me a hand and flick them for me please?

Night, night everyone, see you next week!