The Holiday Mark 3 – Part 1

I have learnt many lessons from the past two years worth of holidays with children, and I have to say that year three with two children has started very calmly! I played down the holiday and said very little about it this year. Only when my little girl and Captain Chaos woke up, did the excitement begin. I sat downstairs waking up with a coffee when I heard the ceiling coming down, and upon inspection I found that they were both jumping on their beds. Having calmed them down by threatening to cancel the holiday, which worked better than I expected, I announced my big treat. This instantly worked with my kids as they were soon asking me what I needed done. I only had to mention what I required and they would do it, followed by “I love you Daddy!” Now I firmly believed this would not last, so I asked for them to start getting dressed working on the theory that if they only put on clean tops, I was on a winner!

The big treat was that I had a tablet computer and had purchased a blockbuster of a film that they could watch on the journey. I also had a small speaker in the rear of the car for true cinema sound. Now when I was a child watching TV in my front room without the signal cutting out was a miracle, let alone a film. We watched films on a huge breeze blocked sized item called a video recorder that always allowed us to watch a blockbuster film once every few months. The film was always at least ten years old, and jumped, which when we complained caused my dad to suddenly jump up and complain about tracking. By the age of ten I was a master at ‘tracking’ and could fix any film!

We set off in good spirits with the ‘home cinema’ in the back and arrived at our first stop. My wife had bought a comic for the children that included a frisbee free of charge. When she told me the comic was £6, I suddenly came over all funny, and started having weird breathing issues. Six whole pounds for paper that was fit for wiping my bottom, as no other muppet would read it, and a frisbee that even the dogs nearby had rejected?! As I voiced my complaint, my wife announced it also came with a free blow up ball. Oh goodie! Does it also come with £5.50 worth of free toys, because otherwise you have been mugged. The kids and my wife parted to ‘allow room’ (which I found hysterical as there was so much room between them) for my wife to take a running kick to launch the ball which then shot up in the air the grand height of at least two centimetres, and went forward about two blades of grass! Well kids, there is £6 of value, keep watching as Mummy is going to show us how to really kick it! Now please bear in mind that this blow up football would not move more than a few centimetres. I was now watching my wife ‘really kick it’ for sheer entertainment. As predicted, “Something must have gone wrong!” my kids were informed by my wife. Now we can either agree that a) you were shafted when you bought the ‘value’ comic for £6, or b) your football skills have diminished since football school my princess of loveliness.

The moral of this story is always supervise your wife when she is shopping for comics. You may think I am being tight, but please remember that the comic cost more than the fuel in my car to get us to the holiday, well almost!