The World’s Most Expensive Wee

Sunday mornings were made to be enjoyed, and as I woke up it lived up to its name, freshly ground coffee, relaxing breakfast, refereeing minor fights between kids, you know, all the usual stuff. We were a little late for church, so we all jumped into my wife’s car, affectionately known as the toy box on wheels.

My wife loves shocking me, and her next statement was her best yet. My wife announced how much she loved driving my car. Now for those that do not know me personally I am a very slow driver, in fact during my wedding my best man announced to all the guests that a push bike once overtook me, but that’s for another day. My wife announced my car could go like she had stolen it if she needed it to. My wife then confessed how my car can overtake like a race car with rockets, and how my car was apparently moving like a wild animal that had badly burnt it’s bottom!

I got out of my wife’s car in complete shock at her new revelation and entered the church service where Captain Chaos announced he needed a wee, and we only had a few seconds. We moved like an Olympian and made it just in time, where my son passed wind so violently I started having blurred vision and gagging. I found my way to the door and cracked it ajar for fresh air, whilst my vision returned. As we left the bathroom, it smelt more like a chemical experience that had gone horribly wrong, so I apologise for all those that went in after Captain Chaos. Having joined the service I advised my wife to give it a few weeks before using the church loos.

Following church we were at my mother-in-laws for a quick lunch, then my wife had to go out for an hour. My wife asked if I would like a lift home, where Dorset Dad got cocky and said “No it’s ok, we will walk in the fresh air, sunshine, and feel magical when we arrive home.” We both know it was going horribly wrong, I was just in denial. No sooner had we left my mother-in-laws and waved my wife goodbye, my son announced a wee was coming and started holding his crotch like a seasoned pop dancer performing moves usually censored on television. We rushed like the clappers down the road, and suddenly Captain Chaos announced he could no longer walk as he had injured his foot badly. It looked fine to me, but as he held his crotch and performed a dance, I scooped him up and ran as fast as I could.

I passed a huge cycle race event where members of a cyclist club had portable loos, and I confess I was tempted, but as I looked at the portable loo, I realised I could not get my son and me in there, and after his last violent wind experience, there was no way I was cramming myself into some plastic lunch box, and allow myself to experience the back firing from his bottom. I ran into a coffee shop where the staff gave me the look that said “You will be buying something!” We exited the toilet and I ordered a coffee, then two little voices announced “We are so hungry, Daddy, if only we could have a cake.” Honestly, if you had been there you would have pictured a scene from a film with tears in your eye where the kids begged for food. I knew with all fellow adults eyes looking at me I had no choice. As they chose their cakes, Dick Turpin behind the counter asked for almost £7. Fabulous, just fabulous, that wee just cost Daddy almost £7, which has to go down in history as the world most expensive wee! My little girl announced as we got out of the shop, what a wonderful day Daddy. I had tears in my eyes, but for a different reason and started the walk home, when a market traders shouted, why not get some sweets, go well with the coffee. Hang on a minute my little market traders, Coffee Shop Colin just robbed me for £7 for a wee, now you want me to line your hand with gold coins too, I don’t think so. I just smiled and walked on whilst the kids complained we had no sweets. Yes my little kiddie winkles, Daddy has no money either.

As I got through the front door of our house, my little girl patted me on the back and announced “Don’t worry Daddy, you can have a nice rest!” And who said I was feeling old?