Today was a rare day as I woke up naturally, with the sound of kids playing on their own in their bedrooms quietly. Yes people, I did say quietly, so I pretended to be asleep enjoying the moment until I felt my bladder about to explode. What do you do? If I get up then the kids will want breakfast, television, snacks, blankets, changing the channel, and if I stay in bed the chances are I would end up with a bladder that aches for ages after hanging on for too long. Eventually I lasted ten minutes before sneaking to the bathroom like a SAS soldier and pressing the short flush on the loo. I popped my head out of the loo and realised I had got away with it, and could go back to bed, but the chances are I might wake my wife who had announced she was super tired, so to earn brownie points I crept downstairs to watch television all on my own.
It was an amazing experience! I was able to change channels and watch what I wanted. I decided the experience was so good that I made myself a fresh coffee and sat enjoying the whole thing for ages. I realised that having the TV remote control all to myself was a luxury I had not experienced for a long time. It did not last though, as the kids came out of their caves and started testing the stairs as they thumped down, like a wrecking ball working it’s way through the hallway. The lounge door burst open like a saloon bar from a western and the list of demands started. I was about to say I was a broken man, but I had the remote control to the television to myself for a few hours so nothing could ruin day, or so I thought. No sooner had I started to carry out the demands from my kids than the electronic piano in the front room started up. My kids had formed their own heavy metal band which sounded like it needed recycling. I say heavy metal band as the volume got louder and louder until it was turned up to ‘my ears are bleeding’ level!
My mother-in-law phoned and was wondering why our house sounded like an audition for some heavy metal rock band. I asked the kids to turn the volume down, which must had got confused for “Could you turn it up as my inner ear is not yet bleeding, so please try harder.” At this point you are wondering why I did not give them earphones. For those who are asking, try telling a small child to wear ear phones, that’s like asking a wild wolf to just look after a chicken and keep it safe, it is not going to happen!
After listening to the end of the heavy metal concert for a few minutes longer I went upstairs to shower. This was a bad idea because I came back down to find I had been burgled, well I say burgled as I can only presume this had happened as the mess was so bad I could not tell where the kids were playing and where the living room began. The kids appeared from under the mountain of cushions after I had requested that they get ready as we were going out for cake and coffee. I must have persisted for around thirty minutes announcing we would miss the cake and coffee as they were only there for so long. I am fairly sure I could have mobilised an entire battalion of soldiers and kitted them out with various tools, tanks and boats quicker than my kids. By the time we got into the car, I was ready to slump over the dash with my wife and ask to be put out of my misery.
My wife drove her ‘shoebox on wheels’ to the place where we had decided to go and as we arrived there were signs all saying “Enjoy your walk!” At no point did they say leg it round the park like your pants were on fire! I was out of breath by the time we got to the cafe, and was totally deflated when we saw them close the door and drive away. My hopes for fresh coffee had gone down the pan. My wife announced “Don’t worry kids, I have some biscuits in my bag.” Whoa there Mary Poppins, is there any chance you packed a travel mug in your bag which is suddenly like Narnia? My wife just looked at me and informed me that I was taking the mickey, so I crawled round a deflated man. Both of my kids, fuelled by biscuit, jumped in every puddle known to man, and by the time they jumped into my wife’s ‘shoebox on wheels for a car’, they were wearing most of the park.
My wife announced that on our return it would be bath time so I had a short drive home to prepare myself to get wet and for the floor boards in the bathroom to be soaked. You would think only filling the bath a quarter full you could contain the water, but its like a shipwreck in the bathroom by the time they have finished with toys. Usually I could swim to the loo by the time they had finished. My son was first in and I had decided to hide and enjoy my own peace. All of a sudden I heard the ten second warning to get up the stairs and ran like my life depended on it. My wife asked me to wash my son’s hair, so I duly followed orders and went into the bathroom, to find Captain Chaos emptying the entire bottle of shampoo into the bath. I am not sure about the national debt but I am fairly sure Captain Chaos was doing his bit to raise the family debt! I shrieked about the now empty new bottle when he proudly showed me the brand new bubble bath empty bottle as well! No wonder there was more bubbles than a science experiment! Captain Chaos had emptied two brand new bottles, and was just about a head above the bubbles which were rising. As if emptying full bottles was not enough I turned around so see a line of empty loo roles on the shelf. I shouted out to my wife to ask why we had a trophy cabinet of diarrhoea awards to be told we were collecting them for a reason. Oh beautiful! As if a house that has the burgled look was not enough, we now look like we have a family bout of the squits and were in danger of a visit from the fire brigade as we posed a fire hazard with the number of loo roll innards on display! Apparently we would be glueing them together, but based on the amount of toilet rolls on the shelf I am expecting an arctic lorry of glue to cope with sheer volume of toilet rolls.
Normally I would have been totally defeated but today I can proudly say I owned the TV remote for a few hours, which in my books is called a mini victory! Bring on tomorrow kids, Dorset Dad is ready!!