What About Daddy?

Sundays. They really should be the best day of the week, but somehow or another my kids manage to ensure they go down hill faster than a roller-coaster. Take today for example, I woke to my wife bringing me a hot freshly filtered coffee smelling of revival. Brownie points to my smooth wife. Happiness quickly left the building when I heard my wife at the front door shouting “What about your father?” Sorry my coffee barista, what do I need to attend to so early, having just let my retinas see daylight? My little girl shouted up the stairs that she would like me to plug her tablet in to charge. Are you kidding me? You want me to get out of bed just to charge the tablet? Apparently it was serious as even my wife was booting me out of bed for it.

I duly plugged in the charger, attended to my weekend princess and rushed back up the stairs. Within seconds my wife’s mobile phone was going off like she was a celebrity. Apart from opening a window and throwing it out, I did the right thing and took it to her. Within moments we heard “I may have missed!” muttered from the bathroom. One child, who remains anonymous, had a little accident and the floor was now covered in water. My wife informed me that we would now require wellies to reach the sink! I was almost to the door when I heard my wife shout “Where’s the loo brush?” and then a little later, “Okay found it.” Just how bad had was it in there? I did the right thing and turned back like a wimp. I reasoned that our bathroom only had room for two hamsters, and even then you would have been done for overcrowding! I knew the accident must have been rather horrendous as my wife did not want to talk about it.

My wife was playing the piano at church so left early. Before she left she asked me to make roast potatoes for Sunday lunch. I love cooking so I was like a kid at Christmas gathering fresh rosemary and garlic to make them taste out of this world. Captain Chaos came down asking what I was doing. I informed him that I was making roast potatoes and would he like them normal or extra crunchy? I presumed he would choose extra crunchy, as I slow roast mine for extra crunch. “Just normal Daddy!” was the reply. He then wandered off, which begs the question, why bother putting in the extra effort? I was feeling a little down, but decided to go for teeth shattering crunchy for my wife.

As I got to church I started talking to someone very briefly whilst watching my children run off to see Mummy, as she practised with a band to play in church. Out of the corner of my hearing I could hear a beautiful sound, interlaced with arguments and punch ups. It’s not often you hear beautiful music interlaced with punch ups, so I knew exactly what had happened. As I got into the main hall, all eyes were on me. I frog marched the suspects and sat in the middle of them. As you can imagine, having your dad sit between you is as embarrassing as wearing your underwear on your head! I sat and basked in the embarrassment level, with a score board in my mind that said ‘Dad 5 – kids 0.’

Having your dad sit between you is as embarrassing as wearing your underwear on your head!

Following church, I helped my wife cook dinner, and brought out a mountain of food roasted with extra crunch, and gravy goodness. I must sound like a chef, but it really was flavour packed and steaming with goodness. Captain Chaos arrived on the scene and asked how much he had to eat. My wife said at least five mouthfuls, to which he pointed at the carrots and gagged, covering his mouth like he was about to throw up. Following intense negotiations dinner was over. My little girl got out her box of sweets that she had bought at the school fair. As she opened them Captain Chaos started dribbling. My little girl promised him a sweet. As he stretched out for one she suddenly whipped the box away and said he was not allowed to view them in the box, and she would take the sweets out. I’m sorry, what just happened? It was like going into a shop in the town centre only to be thrown out, saying they would bring the contents of the shop out into the street! Please don’t ask, as I was there and I still don’t understand! All I know is peace reigned. Peace never lives very long in our house, so I was prepared to remain naive.

As we headed for the evening our house looked like it had witnessed a violent burglary, followed by a fire, followed by a wrecking ball. I announced in ten minutes there would be a mass clean up. Two little voices piped up letting me know that they understood. Ten minutes later I announced that the television was being turned off, and to start clearing. Interestingly two bladders suddenly needed to be emptied badly! I’m sure they had forgotten that I was a child once, and knew all the tricks! I shouted up the stairs that they had ten minutes before consequences were issued out. One voice shouted out “You know I’m on the loo!” I said “Don’t worry, relax you now have eight minutes!” The loo flushed and everyone thundered down the stairs. I was panicking as I did not yet know what the consequence was, but in their minds it was bad as they moved round the house like their bottoms were on fire!

One tidy house, two kids bedtime stories read, and one knackered Dorset Dad. Night, night people, see you next week, bright eyed and bushy tailed.