What Are Adverts, Daddy?

Disclaimer:

Like all my blog articles, this was written a year ago, long before the current lock down situation we are now facing. I hope this blog makes you smile, and all your family are keeping safe.

Friday night and as I went to bed tired and exhausted, my wife started prancing round the room like she had had an accident downstairs. I asked in the name of entertainment what had happened, and then leaned over the bed to find her measuring her stride. Apparently my wife had a new fitness tracker that needed to know how far a stride was. I fell asleep with a huge smile that only my wife seems to bring, when she announced her new latest greatest fitness tracker said she had done two hundred steps, in our tiny shoebox sized bedroom. Apparently the fitness tracker also said my wife’s heart rate meant she was a medical miracle, and lucky to be still alive. I recommend that ‘Fitness Fiona’ sent the watch back, but apparently she was going to ‘sort it out tomorrow’.

It was too late to stop, so teddy bear said his eyes were burning!

Saturday morning and I had a luxurious lay in, with the kids downstairs watching their tablets; oh Wi-Fi how I love thee. My wife announced we had bacon sandwiches for breakfast, sorry sweetie pie but why did you not say this last night, I would have set the alarms to just before the birds got up. Having showered, changed, and went downstairs, my wife said she was searching the Internet for the temperature to cook bacon. At this point, if I was a car it would have said out of fuel, so I said to just crank the oven to hot, and come back in fifteen minutes and judge it from there. My wife asked how would you tell, so I tapped on the glass door, and said it even has a light, and maybe, just maybe we could go ‘old school’ and use the two mince pies God had kindly given us. Apparently my super lovely wife, whom I love so much said I was on the verge of cooking it myself, so I apologised and said how lovely she looks today, wearing that . . . Okay I confess I could not remember what she was wearing, but she would have made it look good whatever.

Fitness Fiona returned and was not ‘fixing’ her new improved fitness tracker, so I went to the bathroom, to start using the toilet to see a teddy bear looking at me. It was too late to stop, so teddy bear said his eyes were burning, and how he would need counselling for years for emotional damage. I washed my hands and duly returned bear to his rightful owner, and said not to listen to bear whinging about his eyes burning.

We asked our kids to get dressed as it was almost lunchtime, for the answer to sound like “No”, so I said the Wi-Fi may be erratic over the next few days, to which the answer sounded more like a “Yes.” Queue fist pumping the air, followed by victory noises and victory dance. I suggested to my wife we purchase a movie to watch tonight, and having looked for an eternity, I found nothing. My wife said she would have a look, and found a film from 1989 for ten pounds. Hang on a minute princess, back in 1989 video recorders were things of wizardry, and websites were pipe-dreams, and you want me to pay ten pounds, sorry sweetie pie, but I’m not paying ten hard earned pounds for a film back in the disco days.

Having got dressed, we popped into town where my wife said we could get comics for the kids, cake for everyone and coffee, as Daddy got paid this week. Whoa their tiger, easy on the benefits, as I was cranky at buying comics, which are recycled toilet paper, with toys fit for the bin within twenty minutes, but then my wife smiled nicely and off we set. Both kids chose their expensive comics, and just before we left town I saw a charity shop and remembered movie night. I was on a mission, and found some cracking bargains for just one pounds fifty, so I was quids in with a wallet that was smiling, and Dorset Dad who had an even larger smile. This was quickly wiped off my face when I saw my little girl carrying a pile of bonfire material, sorry great books, so I eventually said she could have two. Peace reigned for two seconds, when Captain Chaos announced he needed a toy too, and choose one that last saw daylight when the swinging sixties where still to come, but apparently he ‘needed’ it. As I headed out of the door with more bonfire material, I realised that not only was that 1989 film cheaper, but I could have taken the entire family to the cinema, fed them with popcorn and overpriced drinks, and still paid for the petrol and parking.

As we got home Captain Chaos announced he had a block of plaster, and a small tool to chisel out a hidden toy, which was for fun. I think we all know where this is going, and I took a turn first and after ten minutes lost my grip on reality, so my wife went next who also lost the plot, so I got a dirty great big screwdriver and smashed the life out of the block to retrieve a plastic bust of someone. This promptly got lost on the table, Mummy and Daddy had blisters, and were now ten hard earned pounds lighter, with a magazine that was dumped on the table, which Daddy will probably use to light a barbecue next week.

As evening arrived, we closed the curtains, put in the most expensive bargain film known to man, where my kids showed their age. They are of a generation that streams films instantly, and created one hell of a complaint when adverts came on the DVD. I started thinking fast and said you get adverts on the cinema, so could we hush up with the complaints to management? Can you imagine explaining video tape rental, and sometimes having to rewind the tape, adjust the tracking and remembering to plug in the remote with a wire? They said we have moved forward with technology, but I think this has come at a cost of patience, which kids don’t have, thanks to the Internet.

We kissed the kids goodnight, and as I went downstairs it looked like the only possible way of clearing the house was to move everything outside and start a fire, including the sofas, which were begging to be out out of their misery.

On that cheery note I will say goodbye, and see you all bright and breezy next week. Have a fantastic week everyone!