Like all my blog articles, this was written a year ago, long before the current lock down situation we are now facing. I hope this blog makes you smile, and all your family are keeping safe.
Sunday morning, and I woke up a refreshed man, all except I needed the bathroom really badly. I leapt out of bed, and jumped across like I was sliding across a car bonnet in the 1980’s. As I got to the hall, the bathroom door was closed and now I was bursting! I held on standing in the hall for five minutes, wondered if holding on this long was medically bad for you. As my wife arose from her hibernation she whacked the door, went in, and relieved herself. On coming out she asked why I was standing in the hall. Oh you know just admiring the décor, now could I use the bathroom before there is a clean-up needed in aisle one.
I used the bathroom and opened the door, and before I showered checked no one needed to drop their guts. Sorry just realised that’s in poor taste, sorry let’s start that again. I checked no one needed to relieve themselves, and the answer from everyone was that I was good to go. Having started showering, someone started knocking on the door like the special forces were about to break the door in. I quickly wrapped a towel around myself and shot out, as Captain Chaos went in like a rocket.
We had spent thirty seven pounds, and not made it past the end of our road!
As I stood outside for an eternity I knew what he was doing, and knew it would require an extra strength gas mask to shower. As Captain Chaos came out, I went in as the smell rose and the room started spinning. I showered in record time and sprayed enough deodorant to make a sizeable dent in the ozone layer. We spent the rest of the day with great friends, who made four hours seem like four minutes, and I realised everyone needs friends like these, it was like have your smartphone battery at one hundred percent.
The next day was a national holiday, and it’s not often I say this, but thank your Your Majesty The Queen for bank holidays, you’re a superstar! We announced we were going to a giant house and forest nearby, where they serve ice cream in the forest, and as I had some money I would buy lunch. You would have thought I just said who wants to tidy their room, as the reactions were slightly underwhelming. By the time we had whipped up some excitement, a punch up ensued over the ownership of a writing pad. I’m sorry my little newspaper reporters, but could you not use another pad, and maybe you could have one each? Arguments over, we jumped in my wife’s toy box on wheels, come rally car, and popped to the local shop to get some money out for ice creams. My wife passed a comment that she was starving, so being the ever loving husband, I spent two pounds on chocolate for all the family. My wife then announced she needed petrol and filled up with thirty five pounds of fuel. Having got out of the petrol station at the end of our road, Captain Chaos said he did not have his travel bands, and was about to throw up. Seriously you could not write this stuff, we had spent thirty seven pounds, and not made it past the end of our road!
We turned the car around and headed home, where my wife obtained the travel bands, and a sick box to throw up in. As we arrived forty five minutes later, we all agreed on lunch, and sat down at a table with overpriced sandwiches, two grumpy children, and tucked in pretending we were the happiest family in Dorset. Captain Chaos took a look at ancient photos of staff who use to tend the gardens, and turned his volume up to stadium levels, announcing “You see that old gardener who died, he looks like that old guy in the queue, look him!” As all eyes in the cafe turned to us, while my wife and I looked at the ground, and pretended we had died too.
Moving on very swiftly we headed to the play park, where old trees were turned into climbing frames and toys, and had been there many, many years. Less than five minutes into the park, Captain Chaos came back with a piece of bark almost as tall as himself. We stupidly asked “Did it fall off?” Seriously stop laughing, no seriously stop. Captain Chaos announced “No, I pulled it off.” Oh fab, now we have upset a cafe customer accusing him of looked virtually dead, and destroyed part of the play park. I asked my wife if home insurance covered this sort of event, but apparently not.
As we set off towards the car park, Captain Chaos was struggling to carry a large branch of a tree, part of the play park, and his lunch box. He did ask each of us could we help, and we all said no. Now I know what your thinking, letting a child struggle like that is just cruel. You see, we were all worried as we passed CCTV that we would be on the wanted poster the next day, for taking half the forest and play park with us. Seriously just a few more trips and Captain Chaos would have had more wood than we paid in entrance fees.
We jumped in the car to head home, and I said to my wife could I put some music on? My kids agreed it was a great idea, and took control, playing the same song over, and over again. By the time we had got halfway home, my two disc jockeys had succeeded in winding us up with the same song over and over, and now it was us parents begging to get out of the car. As we got behind traffic, we begged them to hurry up, as two parents were suffering. Oh don’t worry it gets worse, apparently they claimed the song had become quieter and could we turn the volume up? That journey felt like forty five days, not minutes, and I was the first out of the car once we got home.
As I went to bed, I started searching for a pair of wireless headphones for each of the children. Yes people, I’m a genius. See you all next week, bright and breezy.