What’s Food Poisoning?

Imagine ordering breakfast at a restaurant, only for the chef to hold the bread up to the light and examine it carefully, both sides! Little off putting isn’t it? That’s how I started Sunday in the kitchen, when my wife asked if I wanted toast. By the time she finished forensics on my bread I was not sure. Apparently it was an old loaf that needed using up, so she was checking for mould! I will forgive you if you decline to eat round my house, so don’t worry.

My little girl woke up holding her mouth, and my wife confirmed she has another loose tooth, to which my little girl jumped up and down shouting “I just made a pound in money sitting in bed.” Enjoy the moment now my little entrepreneur, because after the teeth have gone, the only other way is to actually find a job. As we sat down to breakfast, both kids turned on their tablets drowning out the kitchen radio. I was now struggling to hear, followed by my little girl who was drinking from the side of her mouth, sounding like the drains being cleaned. I gave up after checking my pulse, having just eaten suspect bread and went for a refreshing shower. I started using the toilet, having only just enjoyed the peace, when Captain Chaos started knocking the door down like trained navy soldiers, ready to break a door down. With the knock of doom came the fatal words “It’s coming Daddy!” Sorry to paint a bad picture, but I had my boxers round my ankles and nearly fell over rushing, and smacked the door handle on the way down. I opened the door to find Captain Chaos grinning, whilst I was still recovering from nearly stacking it, and a door handle imprint in my forehead. I went and saw my wife who laughed hard. Who said I never get sympathy?

One bag of water had ‘accidentally’ flown up in the air and gone over a six foot hedge into the next door neighbours gardens.

As I went downstairs I found the curtains opened, and Captain Chaos wondering past the front window with a bed sheet on his head, shouting “whoooooo.” I’m not sure if he was trying to send our elderly neighbours to heaven early, or if it was a cartoon he was re-enacting, but if you wondered past our window this morning asking if we had a screw loose, I’m afraid not, it’s all part of the normal Dorset Dad way of life.

Later in the afternoon we went round friends for dinner, and fortunately they love us warts and all. This was to be a very good thing, when all the children came inside during the rain, asking for food bags. We did ask what for, and were told “Oh you know to catch rain, we’re having a competition on who can catch the most rain.” So what would you do? Sounds innocent doesn’t it, so we gave in and gave all of the kids a food bag. Now it was not raining that hard, so imagine my complete shock when around three, maybe four minutes max one child comes in soaking wet, shouting Captain Chaos threw a bag of water over them. My wife did the walk of shame, while I pretended to be a mouse, and not a man, and still to this moment have no idea how he collected so much rain water so fast.

My wife had a strict talk with Captain Chaos who saw the error of his ways and apologised. We said it was over and forgotten, and after saying sorry many times, took a fresh bag outside again. So as parents we went home happy and content, with happy children. Now we both know that’s not true, as around sixty seconds later all came running in saying one bag of water had ‘accidentally’ flown up in the air and gone over a six foot hedge into the next door neighbours gardens. The culprit was nameless, but I was fairly sure I knew whose hands were last holding the bag, and prayed that the next door neighbour was not a body builder wearing boxing gloves, soaking wet, asking to meet the father.

Needless to say we said goodbye to our friends very quickly, and drove out of the street like we had just stolen the car. What was lovely was having such good friends. We laughed hard at this, and promised to have dinner at our house late at night, when the kids were in bed safe and sound, and by safe I mean no sandwiches bags full of water.

Night, night everyone, hope you all have a fantastic week.