What’s Junk Food Daddy?

What a week, seriously! I know, I know you say this most weeks Dorset Dad, but let’s take Monday. I showered, changed and was ready for work when my little girl came into the kitchen, asking to cut her a bagel ready for toasting, for breakfast. I stopped getting lunch boxes ready for school and started cutting the bagel, when my little girl announced “While you’re at it, put the bagel in the toaster, and put some butter on it.” I turned in disbelief to find she had cleared off to watch television! Hey family, if you find it gets too much, or you get too stressed out, you will let your personal butler know, won’t you?

Moving onto Tuesday morning. Again, I showered, changed and was getting lunch boxes ready for school, when Captain Chaos arrived downstairs like an early caveman, half asleep. As time was pressing on, I offered various breakfasts to which no answer was forthcoming, despite numerous attempts. Minutes later a voice cried out “Where’s my breakfast?” I walked back into the living room and defended myself, repeating what I had said. Captain Chaos proceeded to inform me that he had already given me his order! I’m sorry son, I hadn’t realised this was a fast food restaurant taking breakfast orders.

When Captain Chaos exited the stalls I was gagging, and had blurred vision.

Fast forward to Saturday. I awoke to the television switched onto ear bleeding sound levels, levels that were last heard at a music festival. I floated downstairs to find Captain Chaos downstairs as well. Before I knew it, I was being given breakfast and drink orders. I completed the food order, and after serving the kids I went back to bed. My wife announced there was a play on at our local library and it started in around an hour. I tried to hold back my laughter, and almost wet myself when my wife said we should make it easily. Sorry princess, but our family has never made it out the door from pyjamas to coats in under an hour. I was proved wrong of course. We were however, almost late as everyone was sat in the car, whilst Captain Chaos packed the entire house for the road trip. I eventually locked the front door and looked through the windows of our house to see a house that looked liked it had been burgled. My wife said to smile, but it was hard as I was worried we would come back to find squatters had moved in.

The play was amazing, and it supported our local library which is an amazing resource, not just for books, but many other things. I decided to announce some big news. Yes I had a treat, a big treat! I am not a fan of fast food restaurants, and the kids have only been twice in their lives, but today Daddy was backing down and we were eating pure junk. As we got in the car to travel thirty minutes to the fast food restaurant, I put on a famous film soundtrack which was like a musical. Little did I realise the kids would stare our the windows bored, whilst my wife sang along like she was on a west end stage. At one point it involved whistling. My wife again was very much enjoying it and whistling along like a bird that had been shot and was dying a very painful death. By the time we arrived all of us were gagging to get out of the car, and not just for the restaurant.

The restaurant was as expected and the food was again average, but the kids received a toy that would be broken by nightfall, so it made their day. After the restaurant my wife wanted to go to the supermarket and look at some clothes. So I volunteered to take the kids to the cafe and earn brownie points, while my wife browsed in peace. I took the kids and they pointed at brightly coloured drinks that would light up at night if the lights went out like an emergency exit. For sanity and sugar high reasons I said “No!” and said they could choose a cake instead. My word, they chose the cakes on size not on taste and the tray groaned as I carried it to the cashier with a coffee. No sooner had my lips touched the coffee than Captain Chaos announced he needed a poo. I ran like the wind with the kids, left my little girl with my wife and raced to the loo. Let’s just say when Captain Chaos exited the stalls I was gagging, and had blurred vision. We went back to my wife who clearly saw something was wrong as I kept making retching noises, and asking for fresh air. My wife laughed and gave me the look that said to ‘man up’.

We headed home and as we opened the front door, (thankfully to no squatters,) the house looked worse than it did earlier in the cold light of day. Computer tablets went on and it made me laugh because even though they had batteries, and had held their charge they were instantly plugged into the mains. It was easy to locate the kids. Just walk round to each plug socket in the house and you would find the kids within seconds.

After dinner my wife announced bath time, which usually means a flooded bathroom floor, water going through the kitchen ceiling, every face flannel goes in the bath, iffy stains round the bathroom and an entire loo roll used. This usually resulted in a grumpy Dorset Dad.

So if you see me on Monday and ask me, so how was your weekend Dorset Dad? My answer? That will be “I survived!” Night, night everyone, see you next week as usual, bright eyed and bushy tailed.