Why Are You Grumpy Daddy?

Sundays, oh Sundays you’re my favourite day, relaxing and peaceful and stress free, hang on why is someone screaming at me in the shower? As usual my kids wait until I am in the shower and then either proclaim they need a poo, or the worlds longest wee. This time all I could hear was shouting and mumbling like some 1980’s train station announcement. I was behind a shower curtain, so fearing the house was on fire I told whoever it was to come in. Captain Chaos came in claiming he and his sister had started a café and I could come downstairs and purchase something. I said I would be down soon, then it dawned on me, I already had bought the food, supplied the electricity and here I was being charged again! If you think that’s bad, wait to you hear the prices! I sat down on the kitchen chair and perused the menu with a drink of fizzy cola costing £3. Sorry my young entrepreneurs, but the entire bottle only cost us £1.29 yet here you are charging a small fortune. Image going out to dinner only to be told you were paying for the electric, heating, mortgage payment and oh, and bring your own food. Yes I was a little cranky and claimed I had no money on me, which was true as I had just come out of shower and was only half dressed.

As my wife and I were trying to go out, with my wife taking Captain Chaos to another party and me taking my little girl to church, we asked for the kids to brush their teeth. When I went into the bathroom minutes later everyone was gone, the toothpaste was lining the sink, the taps were running full stream and the toothpaste top was floating in the sink. I was more than a little cranky now and frog marched my two smelly breath monkeys upstairs to turn the taps off, and brush their teeth properly. Two kids just looked at me from the bathroom door like we hid ogres and monsters in the bathroom. I resorted to horror stories and said “If you don’t brush your teeth you will have smelly breath and your teeth will fall out!” Boy, if you could see their toothbrushes go! It was like they were using electric ones going back and forth rapidly.

I took my little girl to church and when she came back from the children’s activity she had two paintings, which were beautiful but very wet, and it was raining outside and I had no car. Guess who carried the painting back home? Yes people, I had all sorts of paint colours running down my hands. My wife came back and offered to make lunch and asked me what I would like. I asked for one thing and when she handed over the sandwich it was totally different. Now don’t get me wrong, I loved the thought that was there but this morning I was robbed at my kids café for a drink, now my wife was interpreting the lunch menu totally differently. I could not say anything but she realised something was wrong when I looked at the sandwiches inspecting the surprise and working out what I really had. We both laughed until I opened my packet of crisps, and now I was very grumpy. I opened the standard size packet of crisps, to find nothing but air, and when I fully opened it, a few crisps in the bottom. Now I know we have an obesity problem around the world, but sorry crisp manufacturers, you’re taking the mickey now. I feel old but I remember when I was a child the packet was filled with crisps, and you actually got value for money!

Mother Nature decided to punish all parents for the day and opened the heavens store of rain. Everyone was trapped inside, so when I went downstairs to help cook dinner, I was feeling the pain of our router. There was the television going and the tablet, and the kids were swapping between them. Whoa, now that’s multitasking for you. I whipped up some Yorkshire puddings and when I returned to the front room I found Captain Chaos gone. I stood at the bottom of the stairs to find him on the toilet with the door wide open and the tablet propped up outside the bathroom so he could watch it. Forgive me if I want to fumigate the tablet before I next touch it.

As no one was having a punch-up I finished cooking dinner with my wife and called the kids, to be told “You know Daddy, Mummy is the brains of this family, and you are . .” Now to save time insert a long pause because the kids had the same face they have when they are thinking hard or pooing. Apparently I am a member of the family, not an intelligent one, and not in charge but I am a member. Thanks kids, and there was me feeling insecure! Forgive me when I felt even more insecure when the kids announced that my Yorkshire puddings were ok, but Mummy makes better ones. Lets recap shall we? Mummy’s in charge, Mummy cooks better and has the brains in this family, leaving Daddy who is good at . . .

If anyone needs me I am the grumpy one upstairs hiding in the bathroom. Night, night everyone!