You Cooked What?

Can I start by apologising to everyone in Dorset last night. If your lights were dimming I’m afraid that was us. Last night our kids asked us to charge just about anything with a battery, and we had wires hanging from most plug sockets. In fact it was so bad, that when the lights went out it looks like an airport runway with little lights blinking.

The next morning I presented fully charged gadgets, to which both kids looked at me like I spoke another language. I did cough and mention “Thank you Daddy!” I was told I could put the gadgets on the table. Can I kids? Oh thank you! Your servant was worried you would be without them so I waited here all night! We had my sister and mum coming over, so I was as excited as a puppy seeing a new sofa to chew on. I showered and changed, and as I came downstairs I was told to make a pudding for dinner. So I rustled up a Panettone bread and butter pudding, which contained so much sugar and dried fruit that if this had a calorie warning it would suggest a funeral plan before eating! My motto is no calories, no flavour!

My sister arrived with her two year son. My kids immediately became calm, almost parental like showing my sister’s little one how to use the toys. Sorry, what just happened? Normally the toy is throw against the wall, subjected to screwdrivers, and anything that can be used as a hammer to stress test the toy, but no, just pure calm.

My motto is no calories, no flavour!

As dinner arrived it was funny how all the children had eyes like dinner plates when garlic bread came out of the oven. We served the kids first, but before the adults had even sat down, their plates looked like a food bin. Forks and knives, instead of being put together to show they were finished were thrown in the floor, which is Captain Chaos way of showing enough was enough. We moved dessert up a gear and gave them chocolate mousse. By the time the kids had finished it looked like an electric chocolate fondue had had exploded in a catastrophic extravaganza. Thankfully wet wipes saved the day before my pudding was served.

I’m not sure why, but if I ever cook for you I always get nervous. It’s silly things like, will it taste okay? Will they like what I made? I served pudding with custard, and as I served silence fell. I waited like I was expecting my school report. No sounds were made. My sister’s little one came in and asked for a taste. As he started to munch he screwed his face up and swallowed like it was a food experiment that had gone very wrong! Fortunately everyone else piped up how much they enjoyed it.

It must had been the dessert that caused my sister’s child to have a bottom explosion, and boy did it explode! At one point my sister said I could do the nappy, to which I politely said those days were gone, long gone. My sister laughed and said I had forced her to do my kids when they wore nappies, but I explained I was doing her a favour and giving her a taster for when she had her own child. That was my excuse, and I was sticking with it.

It was not long until my sister and mum had to go, and quiet fell once again upon the household, thanks to a kind dad charging their computer tablets. As we had some chipolata sausages, I suggested movie night and hot dogs. This went down well, until I said we needed to walk to the supermarket and buy some rolls. My goodness did I say walk? Surely not! What horrible parent would suggest walk? Just as we entered the supermarket it was suggested we buy a new film and toys. I politely explained I had not won the lottery so it was just rolls. As I collected the rolls Captain Chaos presented me with a toy he found in the fruit and veg aisle. Okay supermarket people, why, oh why, are you punishing us poor parents? You know the kids will have a melt down, and who in their right mind thought let’s go and get some carrots, potatoes, oh and you know what, a new toy for the kids! Now, sorry about my moaning, but you know who you are and what you did was pure evil! After a showdown between father and son, today the father won – but only just!

Movie night was a great success and the butchers fat sausages earned big smiles from the children, even if the film they chose was as dull as ditch water. The plot line went something along the lines of a bad guy wanting to become good, but the story writers had a few ideas and stretched them over two long and painful hours. To me it was like torture, but it made the kids day happier, and which parent would not go the extra mile?

Night night everyone, see you all next week bright eyed and bushy tailed.