You Know Whose The Boss Right?

I always like to think I am the head of the household, but I secretly know my wife is the boss, although I never admit that. It’s hard when even your kids reaffirm this, like this morning when I took the kids downstairs while Mummy had a lie in. As we got down I quickly turned on the television, gave my little girl the remote, made drinks and put them beside them. I should have drunk them for them to save time as well, as Captain Chaos shouted to me in the kitchen “Daddy can I have a drink?” My son then proceeded to come into the kitchen to tell me I was slacking, when I pointed at the coffee table beside my son and pointed to his drink. Captain Chaos then thought for a second and then asked if I could bring him breakfast into the front room. Whoa there my hungry tiger, we don’t eat breakfast in the front room, do we?

Five seconds later my son appeared again and asked for breakfast, so again I said at the breakfast table yes, sprawled out on the sofa like a king no. This carried on for around thirty minutes of me saying no, and offering the breakfast table, and it was getting very boring. My wife came down to a sea of hugs, and asked for breakfast in the front room, and when my wife said “No, but you can have it at the breakfast table,” Captain Chaos immediately said “Ok Mummy” and got up the breakfast table. Sorry, what just happened? I have been saying this for what feels like hours, yet my wife rides into the front room like the tv hero, and immediately is obeyed!!

We were going out to a children’s farm today, so we tried our hardest to motivate our kids to get dressed. It worked for my little girl, as she shot up to her room like a rat up a drainpipe. My son however had all the enthusiasm of a dog going to the vets. Nothing was going to motivate him, and he lay on the sofa like we were going to tow it behind the car, to save disturbing his relaxing time. As time was ticking on, I started to get him dressed when my little girl needed help, so I left my wife getting Captain Chaos ready for the day, and when I came down my wife was putting on a second pair of pants. Sorry sweet-cheeks, but why is our son wearing two pairs of pants, or is this some new superhero thing going on? My wife looked at me for a while then the penny dropped, and as my wife was clearly not at her sharpest this morning I decided for the safety of Dorset I would drive!

The journey in our new car was long and painful, as we had to listen to a children’s music CD, with points awarded for enthusiasm, but I fear they were only motivated by a pay check being held in front of them saying dance and sing, and we will give you money. I think it was safe to say they will not be appearing on Broadway any time soon. As we arrived we called the rest of the family to be told they were at least twenty minutes away, so my wife stated on the phone that we were going for a relaxing cup of coffee and cake.

OK, did everyone hear that? ‘Relaxing’ cup of coffee, you guys are my witnesses that I was told ‘relaxing’. Well we passed the gift shop, play centre, and a chip shop, and the kids were like a puppy seeing a ball for the first time. They almost knocked a lady flying in the entrance to the cafe with the giddy excitement. As the family chose their drinks and cake, I paid and turned around to see the family sitting at a table which was also a fish tank. Trouble was it was very low, and I had to sit so low I felt I had gone down a few flights of stairs to the basement. I then noticed a sign that said this table top may move, and before I knew it my son had dismantled the fish tank, and I was getting ready to hand over my credit card for the damage. I managed to reassemble the fish tank, when the kids announced they had eaten their cake and were ready to go now, and even my wife said she had finished her cup of tea. Sorry my keen beans, I have not even put my lips to my coffee yet, as I was fixing the damage to the café, and my coffee was near nuclear in heat. My wife said I could find her and the kids, but fearing getting lost, I poured my coffee down my throat stripping the lining, and apparently this was a relaxing cup of coffee. If this was relaxing, not sure I want to find out the stressful bit!

Immediately as we left the ‘relaxing’ coffee where I felt more stressed out leaving than I did arriving, we saw a kids horse ride, which needed gold coins. If this meant a few minutes of peace then its money well invested, but no sooner had it started than I turned around to hear the music die. What happened!? I was expecting a few minutes, but it felt a lot shorter and even my son clearly thought so and whacked it. It’s ok son, lots to do and then two heroes arrived! In my eyes they are heroes and should be wearing their pants over their trousers! My father-in-law and mother-in-law turned up, and suddenly my kids were even more excited! Amazingly they had a calming effect, and I knew everything would be ok, or at least I thought it would.

We entered the soft play centre, and when I went to pay, I held my debit card expecting a right fleecing, after all I am a parent so usually that means just charge what you like as a parent I must be loaded after all. Then the lady announced a fee for all the family and I had to check are you sure? Its too cheap. It was confirmed that was it, so it was a happy day, with two happy children and one very happy dad! The kids shot off, and a few of us ordered fish and chips at the restaurant. They told us to come back in twenty minutes as there was so many of us. As I entered the soft play centre, my son was sitting on the next ride awaiting another gold coin. This time it was a ride that takes you up and down, and considering I put my back out lifting my son last year, I felt very sorry for the ride, and put in the gold coin. I heard the motor strain to lift him and was ready for a puff of smoke, but the machine went up and down with ease, and my son again had the biggest grin. As it finished we sat down and the fish and chip shop staff brought the food in boxes to us! Hang on, cheap entry, two happy children, and delivery service on the food to a soft play centre, did they think it was my birthday today? But hey, if this means jumping up and down singing happy birthday, then bring on the balloons, I was loving this farm!!

Now we have a slight confession, as my kids just love plain water, we were not being fleeced for mineral water, that claims to have been filtered through someone’s bladder, then some iffy rocks and bottled down the river. We had packed tap water, and yes I know I am tight, but sometimes you have bad months, and this was saving money big time. As own drink was banned we felt like we had sneaked in alcohol, as we had to hide the bottle and virtually made my kids drink out of my wife’s handbag. You would have laughed, as the kids, and us adults surveyed the area, and when the coast was clear they drank the tap water, and quickly got back to the mountain of food on the table. Both of my kids then announced what about tomato ketchup? So my sister-in-law suddenly pulled out sachets of ketchup like a magician! Sorry, is this another female handbag trick, as my wife’s is like a magicians black bag, and can pull most things out when you need it. Food at church, bang, out comes food, drinks for kids, bang, one each, dirty hands, bang, cleaning gel, blood spurting out of limbs, bang, out comes the cartoon plasters, as they heal faster than plain ones apparently. Seriously my sister-in-law today you impressed me big time!

Today was a fun filled day, and I cannot recommend this farm highly enough. We will definitely be coming back, so the best way to judge how good the place is, did the kids fall asleep on the way home? It must have been good, as Captain Chaos was so asleep we could have inspected his tonsils, and my little girl looked like she had switched off her brain, and was just sitting there in silence. Now as a parent that is value for money!!