Your Maths Is Terrible Daddy

Well people, today as I write this we are off to see my family, who live a few hundred miles away, to celebrate my nephews first birthday. As we woke up this morning we were all calm, which is surprising, usually I am running round like a headless chicken trying to get snacks, drinks, prise people away from the television, and check everybody has done a wee. It was so calm I went outside to remove my windscreen cover and scrape the frost off the rest of the car. I came in and put the car frost cover over the shower rail, and went downstairs to find my wife packing snacks, and breakfasts in bowls with cling-film on. Whoa there my little cafe worker, why are we packing breakfasts? Apparently it was to save time. I was shocked to see my wife making porridge in a bowl and packing a spoon. Now I was nervous as my car was pristine, and here was my wife packing most of the breakfast table and cutlery draw to ‘save time’. I herded the kids into the bathroom for pre-journey wees to a sea of moans and groans that there was no wee, so I showed the way and went into the bathroom to find my car frost cover gone. Immediately I rushed out to line up the suspects to find out its location before it was chopped up for parts before sundown. Apparently Captain Chaos was curious so it was now hanging in a new location. I retrieved my car cover and went into the bathroom only for everyone else to say they still did not need a wee!

I shepherded everyone into the car after the kids had packed most of their toys for a journey that would last a few hours, but judging by the bulging suitcase on wheels it looked like they had packed for months. Having sat everyone in I reversed out and started down the road. Suddenly breakfast bowls came out, and my wife tucked into her porridge. Great! This meant I would be wiping cereals and porridge from every crevasse of my car for weeks! Did anyone save time by eating in the car? None whatsoever, only a grumpy driver and a car full of washing up and spoons. As we headed down the road my son started his maths questions by telling us that ten plus zero is eleven. What would you do? Yup, me too. I corrected him which resulted in a full on debate about how Daddy was wrong and he was right! He continued to persist that I was wrong and how right he was. Well my little mathematician, one day I will standing outside school after a maths class punching the air screaming “Told you so, told you so!”’ but today was not that day and I was still cranky from my mobile cafe I was clearly running. My kids then said how long before the food bank was cracked open and we had crisps. We both said it was 8am and no more food would touch our lips until at least 9am, and we were being firm, nothing, repeat nothing, would break us as parents until 9am, this was the law. After thirty minutes in a tin can with shopping trolley wheels we both broke and the crisps and biscuits were broken out.

We arrived at the services where I filled up the driver with caffeine and frog marched my hungry dustbins to the loo, where Captain Chaos decided to dance to the service station music like he was busking. I was half expected people to start throwing change whilst he then moved into night club mode busting moves that could have taken someone’s eyes out, so we started back to the shopping trolley on wheels and left for our destination. Now the question is why was my son angry with Dorset Dad? All because I had forgotten to download something else on the tablet, so to show me how cross he was, the tablet became stupid and was thrown. I apologised for being forgetful, and now having unlimited Wi-Fi on the move and promised to download the movie tomorrow and I was forgiven.

As we arrived at our destination the kids got out and the toys, which were now over the back seat flowed out of the car and onto the floor, so I picked them up and put them into the car. We had a great time with my nephew and family and had a meal with the best sausages ever, and as it became dark we started back home and I was told the cold left over sausages were packed in our boot. Yes people, my Mummy does love me, and as I drove home that night in my mind I was already making cold sausages sandwiches with more sauces than a supermarket drizzled all over them! Talking of food, my kids then asked after a massive meal, could they break out the biscuits as rations were running dangerously low and they would just make the services, and could they have a midnight snack? Sorry my humans dustbins, at midnight you will both be snoring so no to the midnight snack, and one biscuit only. One biscuits apparently mean three, so there must have been a communications breakdown between the front seat and the back seat. Maybe my car is bigger than I thought, as I was sure they heard one, but with a steering wheel in my hand doing sixty miles an hour I thought It best to smile and pretend Daddy could drive. I switched on the full lights on the front of my car as it was dark and realised they were so dirty they could have been candles at the front, so I waited till the services, wiped them down with a trusty wet wipe and pressed on. As we were halfway home my sat-nav packed up. Now my sat-nav is a genius and has never let our family down, so I was in mourning people, and upset that a family member had indeed ‘died’ on us. My wife, seeing I was clearly upset, said she would be my human sat-nav and keep me in the right lanes. I quickly realised I was in the wrong lane ten minutes later and heading potentially to a different county. It was at that point I realised my human ‘sat-nav’ had also packed up and was now gazing out of the window in a different direction to the motorway signs asking if I was sure I wanted to go in the wrong direction. No problems family, Daddy will struggle on with two sat-navs giving up on me!

As we stopped at the services I performed CPR on my old sat-nav that was 100% more reliable than the human ‘sat-nav’ that has spent the last 100 miles looking in the wrong direction to the motorway signs. My wife said she would take over the driving as I nursed my old sat-nav back to life. I was overjoyed when my old sat-nav came back, and gave her a little pat when I heard a grunt. Had my sat-nav made a new noise or was my sat-nav trying to tell me it was dying in pain? I turned around to find Captain Chaos communicating in grunt code that he had finished with the tablet and I could have it. Sorry son, my grunt code is a little rusty. As we turned into our driveway I was celebrating and fell asleep really quickly before the kids remembered the midnight snack. Night night Dorset Dad, see you all next week!