You’re Being Paranoid Daddy!

My little girl has been going on for a while about a movie involving small cartoon horses, and could she go, so me and my wife tossed a coin, and Lady Luck decided that my wife should lose two hours of her life, and I should stay at home with my son! Wait, hang on, I just realised what just happened, can we swap, as we know this is only going to go one way. As I begged my wife to stay, my son grinned and said “It’s just you and me, Daddy!”

I had to get some paint so I took my son to the paint shop, and on the way back offered to get my son a ‘cakey’. I was on another diet, so just asked “What would you like son?” My son asked me to point out which cake had so much chocolate he would be diabetic by the end of the day, and when I pointed to the pure chocolate cake, he grinned while the plate groaned under the weight. What happened next rocked my world to the very core. “Daddy, if we lose you, then we get a new daddy!” Now, I always worry about whether I spend enough time with my kids and am I making them happy, so for me, Mr Paranoid, this comment was not helpful. Well thanks son, are you politely trying to tell me that my ‘Dad of the Year’ award entry form is not happening, but he just stroked his chocolate cake, so clearly I was not doing too badly!

We saw really great friends of ours in the café, so Captain Cheer Daddy Up left and went over, as I chatted to the people in the queue, reassuring them that I am not a rubbish dad, and how much I care for my son, watching his very move in case he hurt himself. This swiftly left the building as we turned around to see my son wearing a tray, and then the tray launch like a fighter jet to the floor, and crash! I am fairly certain the crash was so loud that the elderly were adjusting their pace makers, and steadying themselves, as I paid and whipped my son’s cake over to try and regain peoples trust. Even Mr Chocolate could not decimate the cake, it was that large and so full of sugar, so he used the café as an Olympic race track, until what must have been a piece of his cake tripped him up, and he flew like a super hero without his cape into the table. I was seriously worried about him as he jumped up, and hobbled down the café, but this time he was like a classic car whose engine has just blown up. I grabbed my coffee, and we left. I put my super hero in the car, and he asked me what was for lunch?

I took cake boy to the local shops and he said he wanted cheese and crackers. I wasn’t sure if we had crackers at home, as I don’t eat them. Something about chewing sawdust and floor scrapings that puts me off, so I pointed at the cracker aisle and asked “Which ones does Mummy buy?” “Oh these ones, Daddy, trust me!” He confidently told me. He choose the most expensive selection box, that I was sure were the same ones as the Royal family use, and the cheese was just as expensive. When we got home, I prepared the crackers to Cake Boy’s now very high standard, and waited for a hug and a “Thank you, Daddy.” All I heard was “Err, ‘gusting” And saw the cracker spat on the plate, like a school boy spitting paper balls. Whoa there ‘Cracker Boy’, what was wrong? Apparently this was not the right crackers, and the cheese was funny, so he decided that he would just eat the crisps. Oh that’s okay then, for a minute I thought I had wasted an obscene amount of money on dried crackers and cheese that should have been lining a Royal sandwich, but please don’t let the money thing mar your lunch experience.

As my wife got home and saw the cracker selection box, she asked me why I had bought such expensive crackers, and only the stupid would buy those expensive ones! When I informed her that ‘Cake Boy’ said they were the ones she bought, she said something alone the lines of “You have just been fleeced!” Thanks for cheering me up Sweet Cheeks. That night I went to bed paranoid and broke, but hey tomorrow’s a new day, right? Even my wallet has finally stopped shaking!